Saturday, September 13, 2014

Hell Days.

Another attempt at a fresh start on this blog. Maybe it is because I so desperately need one. Maybe I am running scared to my Blogger because I can't seem to get myself to use my actual words... I guess that it doesn't really matter.
I am here...

Welcome to September!!!
September is my beast of burden... I know that it sounds childish, or melodramatic, or uncessary to hate an entire month... But, I'm feeling like an unecessary, dramatic child.

I wish that I was able to take these 30 days in stride. Have a couple days here and there, but still be able to maintain my head above high water. But, year after year I am proving myself wrong.

I myself am almost ALLERGIC to acknowledging my feelings and then actually ALLOWING myself to express those difficult emotions... I feel like I have tried to crawl my way through these 30 days for the last several years. I don't think I have been very successful in that goal so far.
And this may come off as whiny, or attention seeking, or like I am looking to the couple people who read this to "feel bad" for me... And I assure you that that's not the case.

I started just typing this list for me. In order to hopfully validate my own experience. So that by getting all of these down, I would be able to sit back and look at the cluster fuck mess that is September, that I would be able to allow myself 10 minutes to not try to "be better, be more effective, be more present, be more helpful... be MORE..."

I also know that there are things on this list that are not negative things. I GET THAT... But, for anyone who deals whose has or does deal with depression, axiety, or grief, YOU know that even Big Important Days (for positive reasons) can be just as overwhelming.

So, Here it goes...

6th- Best Friend's Birthday... Born pretty close to each other at home in CA. Only 8 Days my senior... Old Hag ;) 
11th- Patriots Day. Another Birthday of a close friend.... and just 2 days ago THIS YEAR, was the day we put our family dog of 15 years down. Unexpected just how DEVASTATED I took this.
12th- Another new date this year... My mom's birth father passed away. We haven't been super close to that part of our family for so many years, but he's still my grandpa.My mom was scheduled to fly out here today (13th) for the weekend to be here with me for my birthday and to help support me through a couple of the harder days of the month for me coming up. She isn't coming. Rightfully so. She said that it would be smarter to be around A LOT more people from home right now. But I can't help but feel disappointed... I'm a selfish child. I know.
14th- Birthday Girl. Made it to my late 20's... SCARY!!! Finally old enough to not have my health insurace covered by my family. Oi Vey!
15th- (slightly removed.) But the anniversary of my stepdad's dad's death. He died the year that S came into our family, but it is still another big date to weigh on the hearts of our family.
16th- 6th anniversary date of my daddy passing away. Always too hard to get excited and enjoy my birthday knowing that just hours away was the day I lost my hero. Still 6 yrs later, but not much easier. 
23rd- 3rd anniversary date of the day I lost one of my closest friends to suicide. Cheesy I know, (But Em and I made A Pinkie Promise together the last time we saw each other, promising one another that we would NEVER give up fighting for recovery and for our lives. 
25th- 2 Year anniversary of a sexual assault. Enough said on that really.

I started drawing a calendar into my Art Journal.... And rather than numbering each day of the calendar, they are just 30 circles across one page each one filled with a drawing/ color representation of the day. Not the most colorful month for me...

I told my family at the beggining of this month... Partially joking- mostly serious: That they had 30 days in order to do WHATEVER  they needed to do, so that we could make it through this month with only those said days that eat at my heart relentlessly... I jinxed myself... Because we have been torn wide open with 2 deaths in 2 days...

I don't know what to do!
I know that things are harder than maybe they could or should be because I don't actually have a treatment team at the moment... and given that, I think that I have done a pretty damn good job managing to not do anything drastic or stupid. And that truly is an acommplishment. But I would give almost anything to be able to curl up and cry with Timmy, or to have Reese sit across from me and lovingly tell me that I can do this. I need that. But, as of now, it's not an option...

So, I wrote these things down, hoping seeing them all in a list, I could cut myself some slack for not feeling like I am managing myself well. Not sure if it worked...

But, There is no hiding my hatred for this month. Some people celebrate an entire "Birthday Month." I call September, "The Beast," and "Hell Days."

so, in closing.

You know that you are the hardest month of the year for me. I already asked if we could have no new/extra shitty situations to face... and that didn't happen...
But, if you could PLEASE knock it off... 7 soul crushers in 7 days is growing unbearable.
My calandar already has too many Fun Sparkly Stickers on it. Cause I couldn't find any depressing stickers to collage over the top at the scrapbook store. It's looking a little bit tacky.