Saturday, September 13, 2014

Hell Days.

Another attempt at a fresh start on this blog. Maybe it is because I so desperately need one. Maybe I am running scared to my Blogger because I can't seem to get myself to use my actual words... I guess that it doesn't really matter.
I am here...

Welcome to September!!!
September is my beast of burden... I know that it sounds childish, or melodramatic, or uncessary to hate an entire month... But, I'm feeling like an unecessary, dramatic child.

I wish that I was able to take these 30 days in stride. Have a couple days here and there, but still be able to maintain my head above high water. But, year after year I am proving myself wrong.

I myself am almost ALLERGIC to acknowledging my feelings and then actually ALLOWING myself to express those difficult emotions... I feel like I have tried to crawl my way through these 30 days for the last several years. I don't think I have been very successful in that goal so far.
And this may come off as whiny, or attention seeking, or like I am looking to the couple people who read this to "feel bad" for me... And I assure you that that's not the case.

I started just typing this list for me. In order to hopfully validate my own experience. So that by getting all of these down, I would be able to sit back and look at the cluster fuck mess that is September, that I would be able to allow myself 10 minutes to not try to "be better, be more effective, be more present, be more helpful... be MORE..."

I also know that there are things on this list that are not negative things. I GET THAT... But, for anyone who deals whose has or does deal with depression, axiety, or grief, YOU know that even Big Important Days (for positive reasons) can be just as overwhelming.

So, Here it goes...

6th- Best Friend's Birthday... Born pretty close to each other at home in CA. Only 8 Days my senior... Old Hag ;) 
11th- Patriots Day. Another Birthday of a close friend.... and just 2 days ago THIS YEAR, was the day we put our family dog of 15 years down. Unexpected just how DEVASTATED I took this.
12th- Another new date this year... My mom's birth father passed away. We haven't been super close to that part of our family for so many years, but he's still my grandpa.My mom was scheduled to fly out here today (13th) for the weekend to be here with me for my birthday and to help support me through a couple of the harder days of the month for me coming up. She isn't coming. Rightfully so. She said that it would be smarter to be around A LOT more people from home right now. But I can't help but feel disappointed... I'm a selfish child. I know.
14th- Birthday Girl. Made it to my late 20's... SCARY!!! Finally old enough to not have my health insurace covered by my family. Oi Vey!
15th- (slightly removed.) But the anniversary of my stepdad's dad's death. He died the year that S came into our family, but it is still another big date to weigh on the hearts of our family.
16th- 6th anniversary date of my daddy passing away. Always too hard to get excited and enjoy my birthday knowing that just hours away was the day I lost my hero. Still 6 yrs later, but not much easier. 
23rd- 3rd anniversary date of the day I lost one of my closest friends to suicide. Cheesy I know, (But Em and I made A Pinkie Promise together the last time we saw each other, promising one another that we would NEVER give up fighting for recovery and for our lives. 
25th- 2 Year anniversary of a sexual assault. Enough said on that really.

I started drawing a calendar into my Art Journal.... And rather than numbering each day of the calendar, they are just 30 circles across one page each one filled with a drawing/ color representation of the day. Not the most colorful month for me...

I told my family at the beggining of this month... Partially joking- mostly serious: That they had 30 days in order to do WHATEVER  they needed to do, so that we could make it through this month with only those said days that eat at my heart relentlessly... I jinxed myself... Because we have been torn wide open with 2 deaths in 2 days...

I don't know what to do!
I know that things are harder than maybe they could or should be because I don't actually have a treatment team at the moment... and given that, I think that I have done a pretty damn good job managing to not do anything drastic or stupid. And that truly is an acommplishment. But I would give almost anything to be able to curl up and cry with Timmy, or to have Reese sit across from me and lovingly tell me that I can do this. I need that. But, as of now, it's not an option...

So, I wrote these things down, hoping seeing them all in a list, I could cut myself some slack for not feeling like I am managing myself well. Not sure if it worked...

But, There is no hiding my hatred for this month. Some people celebrate an entire "Birthday Month." I call September, "The Beast," and "Hell Days."

so, in closing.

You know that you are the hardest month of the year for me. I already asked if we could have no new/extra shitty situations to face... and that didn't happen...
But, if you could PLEASE knock it off... 7 soul crushers in 7 days is growing unbearable.
My calandar already has too many Fun Sparkly Stickers on it. Cause I couldn't find any depressing stickers to collage over the top at the scrapbook store. It's looking a little bit tacky.

Monday, June 30, 2014

I'm Goin' on a Camping Trip

I was presented with an interesting opportunity yesterday while perusing my News Feed on Facebook. Twin posted that she was excited about starting at Camp NaNoWriMo on Tuesday. That Camp will serve as a sort of catalyst for her to continue working to get her novel completed.
What is this? I'm intriuged! Trurns out that in the months of July and November (november being National Novel Writing Month) this site opens up to thousands of budding novelists, so that they can give themselves the chance to put themselves on a month long spree to write like crazy... Giving them the chance to put their words out there, get feedback and encouragement throughout the month. Virtual Writing Camping... I was hooked. What could possibly go wrong?
Now I find that I am not so sure. I "technically" have a blog, (this blog) that I have never been able to string longer than a couple of consequtive months of posting on. Becoming a published writer has been on my Bucket List for years; that I want to write my own book, tell MY story... That goal has sat there, a dream floating in my mind for a long time... I have spent more of my free time reading and writing for most of my life... But I have found myself stuck teetering back and forth.... There's the short-lived, intense spark of fire and confidence telling me, "Why not? You absolutely could do that! There has to be someone, somewhere who would be able to surf on that crazy brainwave that I live on" Then to, "Nobody would want to read what you have to say. It's not that exciting, not smart enough, clever enough, original or important enough to have any one but yourself to take the time and enjoy reading through." And that's when my dream balloon would slowly deflate back down into hiding until the next gust comes through.
But I jumped on the idea and told Twin that I wanted to join in. That I wanted to write my own book, that I could do it too. Even though the start of this Write-a-Thon was less than 2 days away and I had NO concrete idea as to what I wanted my marathon story to be. Will I tell "My Story" as a memoir, as a fictional story with a character plot that mirrors my own experience, or some other random story coming together that has absolutely nothing to do with me? Perhaps I have inflated my balloon a bit too early to last through this party.
But, tomorrow Camp NaNoWriMo opens and I have a goal of 50,000 words to hit by the end of the month. I am in a Private Camp Cabin, with I believe 5 other aspiring writers, who know each other through some degree of association. So, I guess these 5 are going to have front row seats to my potentially disappointing circus act. Which is the cause of a bunch of my anxiety. But, I suppose that in the chance that my Writing Act is not as hard on the eyes as I fear- Hey! At least 5 people were there to see it! 

I have only been camping three times in my entire life, and I have never found it enjoyable. I have woken up panicked and disoriented with vertigo, bug bitten, burned by a ember from our campfire, and stuck painfully holding my bladder and bowels for 3 days until I could get back to a civilized and sanitary bathroom.
I am pretty far from being a Priss, but apparently involunatry constipation in the wilderness is where I draw the line.
Hopefully, I come back from Camp in one piece.