Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Living... Breathing... Thinking...

I am sorry that I haven't really been posting recently. Things here have been a bit hectic and so blogging kind of fell to the wayside. Not that I didn't go through day to day things and trying to catalog them away to try and blog about them later that evening... Which then would never happen. Mostly because I have been completely exhausted.

I have spent most of June in and out of ER's and admitted to try and get my medication and my heart and kidney functions to normalize. They have been all over the place for a while. And each day things just got more difficult to fake away, more in the forefront of everything that I tried to do.

So, unfortunately, mostly, I have been trying to keep my panic level under control, keep my body from flipping the bird at me. All without a ton of success.

While I was admitted in the hospital last week, I was pulled aside to talk to my medical doctor whom I see outside of the hospital. His office is like 2 blocks away, and he walked over in order to chat with me... He took me outside to the otherwise Off-Limits Courtyard.
We ended up talking for over an hour. I NEVER cry around doctors, never tell them I am in pain, never give them much of anything really. But, I CRIED with him.
I have been feeling so hopeless... so lost... almost too exhausted to give even a half an ounce from my "Resiliency Reserve Tank."
I knew that I would receive an A for effort, but I was still weakly treading water. And this straight A student could care less about throwing her perfect little crown in the nearest dumpster.

He started broadly talking about spirituality (these conversations can end semi okay or VERY badly with me), so I am sure that there was a lot of flinching and fidgeting while I sat there.
He told me that he had just finished reading "Mere Christianity" By C.S. Lewis (one of my FAVES)... and that the main concept that he kept hearing throughout the book centered on hope. He said that he knew that from where I was sitting... Giving up was not a crazy idea. That the work I have been doing would induce that in anyone.

He said, slowly, pausing trying to wait for my shallow breaths to subside for a sec...
"Stephanie, As long as you are Living, Breathing, and Thinking... It's not over... It isn't too late."

I sat for a second and tried to process that in, while simultaneously working on bringing oxygen into my body... Then I looked a little confused.... And CP picked up on that immediately... There are people who are alive, but are unable to breathe on their own... There are people alive who have no grasp on logical reality. Their thinking is incorrect. (He then went off on a disclaimer that people who suffer in those ways are not lost causes... )
More... He wanted to show me that by bowing out of the fight now, was "stupid," because "You aren't done. It may feel that way... But, it's not over for you... You still have all three. You can still do it."
This is the words that greet me every time I go to see CP
"Respect is earned
Honesty is appreciated
Trust is gained
Loyalty is returned"

Of course that brought forth small scale water works.

I can hear what he is saying... and logically I know that he is right. I have SO many people who are fighting along side me right now. So many people on CP's mantra for the day. And even if my depression pushes his well intended motivation away for a bit... it has stuck. And I am still here.

Living... Breathing... Thinking...

And to add to that... Fighting; even if only by lifting my head up each morning when I feel sick, exhausted, hopeless.

That and we spend time each session reading the quote on his wall.

I kind of LOVE working with him. His compassion matched with the fact that he is a world class listener (unlike many professionals)... I know that I have landed myself a gem..

What do you all think about these 2 quotes? The quote he shared with me in the courtyard... Or the one painted on his office wall? There may been some flaws in the first quote... But, I can't seem to stop saying it on repeat through my mind. And I go so far as to squint my eyes open each morning making sure that I can check off all 3 from the List... Still alive, breathing by a yawning attach, and still having 339485039485 thoughts starting their daily sprint. Then mentally saying to myself... "Well I guess that's not it for me today..."
Has anyone ever said anything to you in a Beyond Low moment that you were able to use to push you forward?