Sunday, June 2, 2013

Here I Sit

Here I Sit.... Completely in the dark... At almost 3 AM... Less than 6 hours away from when I start working again with a 35 minute commute not factored in... Not to mention that I have worked almost 30 hours in the last 2 days and am in desperate need of a hair washing (but have yet to move.)

One more work day. One more long shift... Then my drive to Cali.
A vacation...
Super exciting stuff right? 
The break I have been basically salivating for over the last 6 weeks! JBubby's Birthday!!! Snuggle time with my doggie! Time away from here!!!

Yet, Here I Sit... 
Alone... Torn... More down than I have been in many, many, months...

Maybe I just need to get through the next 36 hours and I'll feel better?
Maybe I need to get more than 3ish hours of sleep every day?
Maybe I should just open my damn mouth and just start talking.
Maybe I need to punch my Psych in the groin for messing with my meds and therefore pushing my already deviant neurotransmitters to go on strike; yelling, waving huge cardboard signs covered with their demands in lots of capital letters... maybe they will burn a bra... just to make things interesting. 


Maybe I need to relinquish my "Miss Maybe 2013" title, and get honest about what's gnawing all my insides.

Question: Why don't I seem to care about the fun I could be having in mere hours; care about caring for my needs (reaching out to my supports, demanding more sleep, less work... Hell, just mustering up the energy to wash my damn hair would be nice); care about anything other than how crappy I feel?

Answer: Because the ONE human being on this entire planet whom I have NEEDED to keep improving at validating my experiences (past, present, positive, and not-so-much) being someone that I can retrain myself to lean on and  trust,
did and said the ONE THING that lead me to run away from my home and into the arms of the only person I could find to want me around,
the only one there to hug me back...
No Matter how tragic the consequences of doing that turned out to be, 
No Matter how many years it has taken me to even begin to break the surface of my Trauma Ocean and to start believing that "I am more."
All of that seems of No Matter to me.

Here I Sit... knowing that in less than 2 days I will be back in the same home, with that same devastating feeling that pushed me to start running before I even started 2nd Grade.
Here I Sit... unable to stop thinking over and over that I need to just run away now, to drive away from here and head to those same hugging arms. 

You may call this a horrible idea... The worst possible of risks...

And to that, I simply say...

Why not?

It's what I know best.