Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Living... Breathing... Thinking...

I am sorry that I haven't really been posting recently. Things here have been a bit hectic and so blogging kind of fell to the wayside. Not that I didn't go through day to day things and trying to catalog them away to try and blog about them later that evening... Which then would never happen. Mostly because I have been completely exhausted.

I have spent most of June in and out of ER's and admitted to try and get my medication and my heart and kidney functions to normalize. They have been all over the place for a while. And each day things just got more difficult to fake away, more in the forefront of everything that I tried to do.

So, unfortunately, mostly, I have been trying to keep my panic level under control, keep my body from flipping the bird at me. All without a ton of success.

While I was admitted in the hospital last week, I was pulled aside to talk to my medical doctor whom I see outside of the hospital. His office is like 2 blocks away, and he walked over in order to chat with me... He took me outside to the otherwise Off-Limits Courtyard.
We ended up talking for over an hour. I NEVER cry around doctors, never tell them I am in pain, never give them much of anything really. But, I CRIED with him.
I have been feeling so hopeless... so lost... almost too exhausted to give even a half an ounce from my "Resiliency Reserve Tank."
I knew that I would receive an A for effort, but I was still weakly treading water. And this straight A student could care less about throwing her perfect little crown in the nearest dumpster.

He started broadly talking about spirituality (these conversations can end semi okay or VERY badly with me), so I am sure that there was a lot of flinching and fidgeting while I sat there.
He told me that he had just finished reading "Mere Christianity" By C.S. Lewis (one of my FAVES)... and that the main concept that he kept hearing throughout the book centered on hope. He said that he knew that from where I was sitting... Giving up was not a crazy idea. That the work I have been doing would induce that in anyone.

He said, slowly, pausing trying to wait for my shallow breaths to subside for a sec...
"Stephanie, As long as you are Living, Breathing, and Thinking... It's not over... It isn't too late."

I sat for a second and tried to process that in, while simultaneously working on bringing oxygen into my body... Then I looked a little confused.... And CP picked up on that immediately... There are people who are alive, but are unable to breathe on their own... There are people alive who have no grasp on logical reality. Their thinking is incorrect. (He then went off on a disclaimer that people who suffer in those ways are not lost causes... )
More... He wanted to show me that by bowing out of the fight now, was "stupid," because "You aren't done. It may feel that way... But, it's not over for you... You still have all three. You can still do it."
This is the words that greet me every time I go to see CP
"Respect is earned
Honesty is appreciated
Trust is gained
Loyalty is returned"

Of course that brought forth small scale water works.

I can hear what he is saying... and logically I know that he is right. I have SO many people who are fighting along side me right now. So many people on CP's mantra for the day. And even if my depression pushes his well intended motivation away for a bit... it has stuck. And I am still here.

Living... Breathing... Thinking...

And to add to that... Fighting; even if only by lifting my head up each morning when I feel sick, exhausted, hopeless.

That and we spend time each session reading the quote on his wall.

I kind of LOVE working with him. His compassion matched with the fact that he is a world class listener (unlike many professionals)... I know that I have landed myself a gem..

What do you all think about these 2 quotes? The quote he shared with me in the courtyard... Or the one painted on his office wall? There may been some flaws in the first quote... But, I can't seem to stop saying it on repeat through my mind. And I go so far as to squint my eyes open each morning making sure that I can check off all 3 from the List... Still alive, breathing by a yawning attach, and still having 339485039485 thoughts starting their daily sprint. Then mentally saying to myself... "Well I guess that's not it for me today..."
Has anyone ever said anything to you in a Beyond Low moment that you were able to use to push you forward?

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Sunday Funnies (Week 26)

Happy 2013 Half Birthday Sunday!

Oh... Isn't this the truth!

It bugs me every time I open this stupid game that I ever opened this game's Can O' Worms.

But, I can't help it... Those darned chocolates. 

Happy Birthday Ems

I miss her everyday. I wish that she was here for me to call or leave her a cheesy voice mail with my sing song Birthday jingle in it... But, I can't... Acceptance is a heartless and horrible Bitch that I would love to kick around a bit...

But all I can say tonight... Is Happy 25th Birthday my Beautiful Friend. 

In the group dedicated to remembering Emily... Her dad posted this today...

June 23, 1988 ~ September 23, 2011

One of Emily's favorite passages:

"Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? ... No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below--indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35, 37-39

In the margin she wrote, "i am loved. always. forever."
I love this... I immediately grabbed my set of scriptures and highlighted this... Writing "I am loved. always. forever" in my own margin, along with today's date and your name. 
Ems... I can't say enough how much I miss you... How much I wish that you were here. But I know that you are resting with the angels... Right where you belong if you can't be here with us. You have such a good and pure heart. I know that you are celebrating with the angels today. 

I will continue to fight in your honor.

I know you are with me...
Always.... Forever....

Saturday, June 22, 2013

SYTYCD Never Disappoints.

What this show brings to my life
1. Gives me something to look forward to EVERY week. 
2. It gives me chills
3. Makes me yell at my TV in excitement, saying "WOW," "AHH... Did you see that?!?"
4. Induces the need to dance around my house, blast music, and look up dance classes to take!
5. I kill my stupid muscles trying to stretch... (Because no way can I be a professional dancer ;) if I can't stick my long legs straight up in the air)
6. Makes me smile and brings joy to my life
7. Inspires me to find something that I am as passionate about as these dancers and Just Do It!

This dance is PHENOMENAL! I think that Barney and I have watched it like 10 times already. So damn cool. I can't get this song and this choreo out of my head

 And nobody can deny how friggin cool this dance is.

I don't think that it would matter how long I trained... I could NEVER do this. They are truly amazing! Both times that they animate the sound of cocking a pistol are my favorite.

Sunday, June 16, 2013


Happy Father's Day Daddy!

You are good. 
I am your Teffie 
And I love you. 

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

It's A Comin'

For the small smattering of people who read this blog...
I wanted to stop in really quickly and let you know that new posts are ON THE WAY... I have pictures of my most adorable little sibs... Stories of lots of laughing and random small unexpected, intangible gifts that we all gave to each other over the week that I was home. I can't wait to finally have some time to sit down and start sharing it all.
Once I am done unpacking and doing some much needed laundry and getting back into the swing of things before I head back to the Land Of The Cheese tomorrow.

But they are coming pronto.

Pinky Promise 

Tuesday, June 4, 2013



I know that my Here I Sit blog from this past week was the true definition of Vague... And, these few lines won't really help another either. But, I am too big a chicken to say anything more.
But, when I tried to go through with my little plan as part of my drive here to Cali;

She wasn't home.

That... Or, she is just as good at hiding her whereabouts and the goings on in her house as she used to be.
Either of which is possible, even though...

Neither of which helps me all that much.  

Stop on my way back to UT then?

Monday, June 3, 2013

Road Trip Game

Oi Vey! 

This has been quite the long drive... I am stopped for a quick jaunt around a gas station parking lot while I refuel the my home-on-wheels for today... And I guess I decided to write a quick and quite pointless post. 

Mostly to just brag about my new little gem I found today... I was getting worried about my ability to stay awake driving solo for my trip today... Especially as I was leaving in the early afternoon instead of my usual 4:30 AM departure... So, I decided to listen to an audiobook, and have CD's for any and every possible genre that my mood during that stint of my trip called for... And, I wanted to find a way to play the license plate game (without having my notebook and pen handy to write down the name of the next new plate that I just spotted down... all while trying to maintain my 88mph speed and trying not to send "Stupefy" spells at every semi truck that I got stuck behind.

When I decided to check the ever wonderful App Store. And, lo and behold... There she was... "US Pl8S" (I would insert the link if my App Store would cooperate with me.) It's quick and easy and all you have to do is tap verifying the state that you just saw and it hides it from the list, whittling down the Out-Of-State'ers one by one...

Yet another list for me to keep track of...
And I LOVE it! 

I played this game with Barney while making this same trip a few summers ago and we were able to spot all but 4 while driving here and back. I wanted to see how close I could get to that or if I could get 1 or 2 more...
And, By awkwardly slowing down, pulling my sunglasses up to try and squint my eyes to see the plate of the vehicle in front of me did a marvelous job in keeping me alert and awake through all 5 hours of the Dead Zone of Nevada...

It is beyond dark and it's nothing but one lane roads for almost all of the last 45 minutes of my 12.5 hour drive. So, I am guessing that I am done Plate Spotting for now....

I have checked off 32 states today... Super happy to get Alaska out of the way (as well as adding Alberta, British Columbia, Ontario, and Quebec) to the list. Canada is EVERYWHERE today! 

Okay... This last stretch of road won't drive itself, no matter how much I wish it to or avoid it by typing a blog post in the dark.

Buckle Up! 
You're almost there.

I Wish Mapquest Had More Epic Looking Maps

Well, I have sat, and brooded, worked a TON, cleaned, packed and did all sorts of random things..

And now...

I drive.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Sunday Funnies (Week 22)

I love the rules of grammar and language... 

Keeps things nice and predictable. Structured. Easy to remember. Easy to follow...

... unless you speak English.

Here I Sit

Here I Sit.... Completely in the dark... At almost 3 AM... Less than 6 hours away from when I start working again with a 35 minute commute not factored in... Not to mention that I have worked almost 30 hours in the last 2 days and am in desperate need of a hair washing (but have yet to move.)

One more work day. One more long shift... Then my drive to Cali.
A vacation...
Super exciting stuff right? 
The break I have been basically salivating for over the last 6 weeks! JBubby's Birthday!!! Snuggle time with my doggie! Time away from here!!!

Yet, Here I Sit... 
Alone... Torn... More down than I have been in many, many, months...

Maybe I just need to get through the next 36 hours and I'll feel better?
Maybe I need to get more than 3ish hours of sleep every day?
Maybe I should just open my damn mouth and just start talking.
Maybe I need to punch my Psych in the groin for messing with my meds and therefore pushing my already deviant neurotransmitters to go on strike; yelling, waving huge cardboard signs covered with their demands in lots of capital letters... maybe they will burn a bra... just to make things interesting. 


Maybe I need to relinquish my "Miss Maybe 2013" title, and get honest about what's gnawing all my insides.

Question: Why don't I seem to care about the fun I could be having in mere hours; care about caring for my needs (reaching out to my supports, demanding more sleep, less work... Hell, just mustering up the energy to wash my damn hair would be nice); care about anything other than how crappy I feel?

Answer: Because the ONE human being on this entire planet whom I have NEEDED to keep improving at validating my experiences (past, present, positive, and not-so-much) being someone that I can retrain myself to lean on and  trust,
did and said the ONE THING that lead me to run away from my home and into the arms of the only person I could find to want me around,
the only one there to hug me back...
No Matter how tragic the consequences of doing that turned out to be, 
No Matter how many years it has taken me to even begin to break the surface of my Trauma Ocean and to start believing that "I am more."
All of that seems of No Matter to me.

Here I Sit... knowing that in less than 2 days I will be back in the same home, with that same devastating feeling that pushed me to start running before I even started 2nd Grade.
Here I Sit... unable to stop thinking over and over that I need to just run away now, to drive away from here and head to those same hugging arms. 

You may call this a horrible idea... The worst possible of risks...

And to that, I simply say...

Why not?

It's what I know best.