Sunday, January 27, 2013

Sunday Funnies (Week 3)

So... This is going to be yet another example of my extremely inappropriate humor.. But, I'll just roll with it.
This past Christmas, my lovely friend C, gave me this as part of my present. 

What is it???

I'll tell you! It is this spiral bound booklet with 2 sets of pages that you randomly turn to create new "curse words." Some of them come out better than others. However, for whatever reason my picks end up being the most disgusting combinations. No lie. Other people have given it a whirl and they come out mediocre...

I told myself that no matter what came up for me when I was taking these pictures I would post... But, even I have limits apparently of what I will post publicly as attached to my name. The first of the 2 words that came up I don't even say aloud. So, I had to go back on my initial deal and post option 2. 


If you can use it in a sentence this week.... I donno what I'll do, but you'll get some kind of prize from me :)
This gift has more than paid for itself in personal entertainment value


Disclaimer: This post does talk about PTSD and about certain aspects of my personal trauma. And, while it's not graphic, if you don't feel that reading about such things would be good for you, I would recommend not reading this post

This has been a really stressful last couple of days. I have been going back and forth mentally trying to decide whether or not to write anything more about the catheter situation here on my blog... I feel embarrassed and a plethora of other not-so-fun emotions and I wouldn't be me if I wasn't trying to deny the existence of such emotional pain.
But, I decided this morning to put on my Big Girl Panties and share.

At times it still seems completely surreal that I have a catheter. I mean, it constantly hurts and it's not that I forget that it is there, but more that I my brain can't quite process that I actually went through with getting one. I have now had it placed for just shy of 3 days and I can't express enough how much I hate it. Physically I don't think that it is helping me; and instead I believe that it is making things worse. I have majorly increased my fluid intake, but I am still producing such small amounts of urine... Based on my intake, I am falling majorly short in the output end. I have been talking with Barney's sister (who is a nurse) and am more convinced now that placing the catheter was probably not what actually needed to happen as it may not be that I "can't pee" but more that my kidneys aren't producing enough urine, which no catheter can help.

I am still spinning mentally about how everything went down at the hospital on Thursday. I tried to muster whatever courage that I could when talking to the doctor about why this fairly routine procedure was going to be so hard for me based on my trauma history. I NEVER want to tell people that I have "weaknesses" or limitations because of my past. And while I couldn't guarantee that disclosing any of that information would make it easier, but I had to at least try.
I could feel the mammoth-sized lump in my throat and the shake in my voice as I told the doctor that I was feeling so hesitant to have this done and wondered if I could have something for anxiety through the procedure as I have severe PTSD. The response, "Were you assaulted or something?"     Yeah... Something like that.
He said that he could give me a small dose of Ativan pushed through my IV. I agreed, feeling dejected as I already take that dose of Ativan for general anxiety management every day. After a few minutes with medication in my system, the nurse came back and was shocked that I couldn't feel any difference. She left and came back with another small dose. I was so terrified of having this procedure done that the 2nd dose didn't help me either. Genevieve (RN) said that I wouldn't be allowed another dose for a while so "we might as well just get it done." I hesitated and agreed.
I tried to look at my friend J who was sitting with me as a distraction and as a source of strength in order to ground myself. Genevieve asked me to remove my undergarments and open my legs. I froze, and felt myself rushing out of that room mentally. I vaguely heard her repeat the instruction and then felt her force me to do it for me, as I  wasn't "cooperating" with her. Next moment the tube was placed. I felt a few silent tears leave my eyes as the nurse quickly left me in the room. I was crushed that even with all my "bravery" and raw honesty, that these medical professionals didn't treat me with more gentleness and sensitivity.

Since Thursday, this lovely catheter has been my shadow, my toilet, and my constantly painful reminder of my abuse. I have slept less than 4 hours total in the 3 nights that I have had it... I can't shut my brain down before bed. I can't manage laying in bed, in the dark, trying to sleep with something that isn't "supposed" to be there.
I can't help but feel so discouraged that this experience is turning into such a setback. I have spent several months and almost an entire Inpatient stay at The Mansion working specifically through my trauma as it relates to the restroom (being in that room and the goings-on in there as well). Timmy and I tirelessly and excruciatingly processed the events of my past, doing increasingly difficult Exposure therapy and slowly but surely moving away from my fears. And while, it wasn't "cured," I had come so far in that aspect, that most of the time I don't think twice about needing to plan skills and giving myself pep talks before I try to pee.

But, even with all that Exposure-ing, I finally admitted yesterday to my Sis P, that this experience ended up becoming the Worst Case Scenario... That this procedure was close enough to some of my abuse that having the catheter placed re-traumatized me..that term just looks and feels so pathetic... but I guess a spade is a spade, no matter how stupid the spade looks. I have almost completely reverted to dissociation and deadening myself in order to survive each moment... I have closed myself off from all emotion. Flying between terror and panic to La-La-Land and back again.

I don't know how all of this medical stuff is going to play out. I have no idea how long I will be carting around my Golden Purse, or what it is going to take in order to get me up and runnin' again. And if I think about how long this process is likely to take, I will be so overwhelmed and want to just curl up and give in. So, no future-tripping allowed!

I feel like this post is an extreme case of Oversharing... So, I think I shall stop while I'm behind. I do feel so much gratitude for the people who have been calling to check in or sending a text just to say I love you. Grateful to J for making the journey to make sure that I didn't sit in that hospital room alone, even though I can only imagine how awkward that would be to witness. To my Sis for listening to all of my madness, for worrying enough to help me brainstorm how to proceed and then to get me laughing when my brain hits overload. I don't know what I would do without my friends. J posted a blog talking about how lonely PTSD gets... (Her Wisdom Here) And, as per usual, J is completely right. Trauma leaves everyone to feel completely alienated from people, from love, from hope. And I know that without the people in my life who hold my hand and lovingly urge me forward I likely would have drowned in my trauma ocean a long time ago.
Together is the only way forward.

Thursday, January 24, 2013


(Disclaimer: There is a picture at the bottom of this post of a urine sample.... Don't read this if that would weird you out)

Back in October 2009, when I was in a really rough patch medically, I was being threatened constantly by my Treatment Team (Care Bear and Lena at the time) that if I had a week with even the smallest of setbacks that I would be facing dire consequences... I had pushed and pushed that limit and finally one Friday, Care Bear told me that if my weight wasn't up by the time I saw her on Tuesday I would be forced to get the NG Feeding Tube. Me, being me, was not about to have that happen. I kicked and pissed and moaned and tried every angle possible to get out it...So I got onto Blogger and made a Declaration against said feeding tube (I am currently aware that writing a blog post saying that you are not going to be doing something, doesn't actually mean that...).

No Tube Tuesday (The link to this lovely decree)

 I cleverly called the day "No Tube Tuesday" and was so proud of my ability to stave off from having that night mare come true. I never got the tube while part of that team...
However, here I sit 3 years and 3 months later, having to add an amendment, a caveat to my declaration.
Earlier this week, I made a depressing little check list about all the things that I was unhappy with in my life currently..The biggest pain being the fact that my kidneys are spontaneously deciding to stop working. I mean, I am the Queen of holding my urine for almost inhumane lengths of time, but never have I faced the problem of needing to pee and not being able to.
I used to get threatened all the time that if I was going to continue to not use the restroom that they would put in a catheter and call it a day. I would push that all the way to the edge and would usually end up going while the nurse was bringing the kit down the hall...
My team currently has been trying to get me to go the doctor and get this all looked at. But, I waited and waited and waited... and then I was done waiting . So, unfortunately, I had to suck up my pride today... and get a catheter this evening. Hurts like a mo' fo....
You know what else hurts
My Golden Purse....
Except this is no where CLOSE to being Gold in color.
Mayhaps, I did wait a smidgen too long. Especially since this is all
they could get after not being able to go for almost 8 days.
like I mo'fo... Coming home from the ER with a brand new catheter only to majorly eat it on ice outside my place, knocking my head on the asphalt.
- Possible concussion: CHECK

More on this bullshit later.I'm too sore to keep thinking.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Gold Rush!

The Niner's are heading to the Superbowl!!!!

I must admit... I have honestly LOVED watching more football this season. Normally I watch the "big" games and almost all 49er games, but not much more than that... But this year; in order to get to know more people from work and have new things to talk about that how high my crazy meter currently is, I signed up to be in a weekly football pool. Quite simple... Each week you pick your winner from each game, and the person with the most correct picks, wins the pool and the money. And while I never won the pot, I sure did enjoy watching the faces and sweat off of my coworkers as I was 1 of only 2 females in this pool of almost 30 and I never fell lower than 4th place. In case you can't imagine, that drove their caveman-adrenaline-beer belly-man-selves bonkers. and I love every moment of that.
Anyways. my fantastic team of red and gold came out on top today over Atlanta! Meaning the boys are heading back to the Bowl!!!
All this football makes me think so so so much about my Daddy... Growing up as his daughter, watching him root for this team year after year... Throwing HUGE Superbowl parties at my house back when Steve Young, Jerry Rice and crew were ruling the field. Growing up my parents also had 2 season tickets so we my mom, brother and I would take turns getting to go to the game with Dad. I loved the days that I got to go with my Daddy. We would get all bundled and warm in our red and gold garb, drive to Candlestick Park, maybe do some tailgating. Best part of the tradition for me? Getting my San Fran fresh sourdough bowl full of clam chowder (I have NEVER liked clams, but there is something about the crisp ocean air, the game, the company that made it all taste magically delicious)... My daddy would give me the binoculars to watch the game with...Really I was watching the cheerleaders as I never really understood what in the hell was going on on the field... Anytime the loud boom or noise signifying a Time Out or the end of a Quarter I would grab my Daddy's arm and ask, 'Is it over yet?" I think that 3+ hours was a bit much for me.
During Halftime as the cheerleaders were doing their thing, people were restocking on food and beer, the mascot would be seen dancing around on the field or running through the bleachers giving high-fives and posing for pictures... I would assume that he was a gold miner, wearing a jersey with "Sourdough" on the back. The confusing part about Sourdough Sam for me was the huge sombrero he had on his head.
 "Burrito Man" 
While my dad was still alive, and when it becomes currently relevant, my mom LOVES to tell people that I would scream so loud trying to get him to come over by us "BURRITO MAN!!!! BURRITO MAN!!! OVER HERE!"     and the answer to you potential question is... No, my Mexican-ness knows no bounds. Everything is tortilla related.

Wow. there was an unexpected trip down Reminisce Road... Sorry about that... Anywho, I happened to be at work yesterday while the game was on, and the closer the game came to an end, the less and less productive I got on shift... Celebrating the win with a mini-happiness-hop and high-fives to the strangers that were sitting up at the bar at work. Almost immediately following the time clock reaching 00:00,
I get a text from my mother, "Your daddy is so happy right now!"  I wasn't expecting that (surprisingly)... and I immediately welled with tears, right there on shift. I sat in the office for a few minutes with my fave manager, SS, got recomposed and then went back to it.
The hardest aspect of it being how right my mom was. I could just see his face, could almost feel his excitement. More often than not, I have to look at a picture of him or try comprise up pieces of how I think his voice sounded like when I want to remember him now. Even though the 49ers winning is a great thing and imagining him happy and watching this game from Heaven makes me so glad... but I still miss him so very much. I wish that I could hurry home a week from Sunday and decorate the house, jerseys everywhere, pizza, popcorn, laughing, cheering, screaming at refs. Like everything that surrounded him, I miss his magic. He made everything more fun, more special... The Superbowl is a huge display of athletics, a vie for the best commercial advertising, the end of a long season and there is a chance that if for only just those 4 hours, there's "nothing finer than a 49er!"

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Sunday Funnies (Week 2)

I can't help it.
Just... Too... Awesome...

...even if I am usually of a major Hater of all conversations and jokes and, well, anything regarding menstruation and/or feminine hygiene. 

Friday, January 18, 2013

More Love

I realized about 90 seconds after publishing yesterday's post that it was far too Negative Nancy for me... So, I thought that the best way to remedy that (without removing the post and pretending nothing included in it even exists), was to post something super positive and uplifting.
That doesn't mean that none of those things I listed yesterday aren't happening, because unfortunately they are, but I don't want to be that girl or have that blog that is just one downer post after the other..
So...! I will share something with you that I have been working on recently.
This month will be my 4th month as a subscribing member of the More Love Letters Team in August. I had seen a story about this group online and was immediately drawn to it. At the start of each mouth, I and the all of other subscribers receive an email with a short blurb about the hardships of the person they want to surprise with a bundle of anonymous "love" letters. Usually it is you sending words of encouragement and empathy and hope to someone who needs the reminder.
I seem to not be explaining this very well.. so here is a portion of their explanation
so what is a love letter bundle? Each month, we send out a “call for love letters” for an unsuspecting receiver (or in this case, receivers) in need of a little handwritten goodness. You will then have TWO WEEKS to send over a card or letter to the More Love Letters PO Box. We’ll bundle the letters and mail them all together to a lucky, lucky mailbox with an explanation note from on top. It’s simple. It takes 5 minutes. And really, what’s better than a monthly pinning of “heart to page” for someone who truly needs some love and syllables? So gather your friends, your students, your coworkers or church group, and take on the monthly mission together!
Anyways, I just fell in love with this idea immediately... being the journal fiend and still being someone that would much rather receive snail mail than anything else... this project is right up all my alleys. They also encourage people to leave Love Letters in random public places for anyone to pick up... as there really isn't anyone who wouldn't benefit from such an act of kindness. I have left several letters at Barnes and Noble in books and on cafe tables... and have actually had a lot of fun with it...
By no means do I want to push people into doing this... But if this seems like something that you might want to do, you can get all of the information Here on their website.

Phew, this is much happier than yesterday. Don't fret. I'm not going depressing on you all.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Check It

  • 7 shifts at Le Cheese in the next 6 days- CHECK
  • Severe hypotension causing me to need a BP cuff to let me know if and when I am allowed out of bed in the morning (what a lovely flashback to daily life at The Mansion)- CHECK
  • Decreased kidney function with the consequence of having a catheter threatened constantly- CHECK
  • Due to the complications expressed above... Needing to bring a cardiologist andnephrologist onto my treatment team- CHECK
  • Record low temperatures for the last few weeks turning my already cold blooded self into a full blown icicle- CHECK
  • Negative amount of money in my bank account- CHECK
  • The caring, yet completely unwanted suggestion to be admitted for a 2 week medical stabilization, either to The Mansion, Psych Ward or Medical Floor of the hospital- CHECK
  • Having my T go out of town again for the next 12 days- CHECK
  • Having my M.D. out of the office during my most medically compromised week- CHECK
  • Feeling completely frustrated that all of my physical problems have nothing to do with where I am at in my recovery and feeling scared that people won't see that and just assume that my symptoms are due to my eating disorder- CHECK
  • Writing an entire blog post of a checklist of all the annoyingly whiny aspects of my current experience, just to highlight all the reasons why I am the pain in the ass I am currently-

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Sunday Funnies (Week 1)

There is a third way to look at this!

Which glass are you?

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Sunday Funnies

I have decided that, in order to help me meet my goal for the year of "Blogging at least once a week," I would choose a topic, something small and easy that I could post about. I have gotten stuck this last year by not knowing what or how to share personal stuff on my blog.
So, I am nothing without my sarcastic, mildly morbid, crazy crude humor. So, each week I will post a picture, ecard, or whatever else I seem to find amusing. I am aware that there are less than a handful of people in this world that share my weird mixture of humor components, so people may not enjoy what I post as much as I do... But, I suppose that is slightly irrelevant.
It will be like my own take on a Sunday Comics page. 

Friday, January 4, 2013

Lucky '13

Here we go again. Another Jan. Another List of Goals. I know that people are usually either all about making resolutions or are pretty adamant about not making them. I guess I get around feeling like it's a Pass-Fail type deal by changing the word I use from "resolutions" to "goals." For whatever reason that seems to work for me. Other than my Books To-Read and Gratitude goal, I feel like I can continue to push away from my Little Miss Perfect tendencies by removing a specific # goal, as it seems easier to miss the mark and then therefore use that as fuel to the Why-I-Suck-At-Life argument.
So, here are my
Lucky 13 in '13
1. Read 65 Books- Take 2. I would have loved to increase my reading goal again this year. But, I figure that upping it when I didn't reach my last goal is just asking for disappointment. And, although it isn't a requirement, I would like one of those 65 books to be the 1488 page monster of the unabridged Les Miserables. 
2. Read the entire Book of Mormon- again
3. Get back on the Dating Horse- This makes me nervous. But I know that the longer I continue to avoid this becuase of the train wreck of my relationship attempt with D, the longer I will keep up my Spinster act and keep getting closer to the life of a Cat Lady. 
4. Blog at least once a week
5. Submit my Nursing school application- Don't be a little bitch Steph. It's time to just Get 'er done!
6. Make a 2013 Fave Moments Jar- I'm excited to do this one as it is sort of crafty (which I loathe), but it is still a bit journal-esque. You get a Mason Jar and when you have a day or a experience or a moment that mattered (for whatever reason) you write it down on a strip of paper and stick it in the jar. Then on New Years Eve this year, you open the jar and reminisce on the best of the year.
7. Take a spontaneous road trip- I have wheels now! Where should I go?
8. Sign up for a dance class- or Zumba class... or a class at Motiv8. 
9. Find at least one thing to be grateful for every day. Keep a Gratitude Journal
10. Keep a Daily Gratitude Journal. Find 365 unique things I am grateful for.
11. Pick an organization I believe in and regularly volunteer
12. Participate in a Color Run 5K- Marco did it last year and it looks like too much fun to pass up. Either here in Utah or maybe I'll head back to Cali and run it with Marco. 
13. Reach the 2 year mark out of Le Mansion. Become "real" friends with Tash!- September 6th can't come fast enough!

I know that due to my inconsistency in posting on this blog, I may not have many people that still read it.. But, anyone who does... Do you have any goals/resolution for this year? I would love to see what you are wanting to experience over the next 12 months.

Daily Deals

I have found yet another thing to become addicted to. I know. Super Proud moment for me right?
At the end of November I subscribed to the Kindle Daily Deal email. It's pretty much exactly what the title says... Every morning between 2 and 4:30 AM I get a lovely email telling me which books are going to be on Going-Out-Of-Business status prices of $1.99 or less for that 24 hours. It is almost always 1 Fiction novel, 1 Science Fiction/Fantasy novel, One Romance novel and a children or teens book. 
Romance novels for me are automatically out as you will never catch me reading that garbage. Picture books for kids, not my thing either. So, mostly I vie for the Fiction and Teen novels, opening the email at whatever ungodly hour that I wake up in the middle of the night, sift through those 4 gems, then happily doze back off. The books aren't always ones that I have heard of.. But I am actually quite surprised at how many books that I have wanted to read pop up. Books that maybe I wouldn't really want to pay $15 for at a bookstore, but I'll gladly devour it for $2. 
All I'm saying is that since I have signed up I have purchased 17 novels in just over a month. BAH!!! I already have 250+ novels on my Goodreads To-Read list
so I DON'T NEED any more help, Amazon!!! 
I overwhelm myself with books on my shelf and books on my Kindle that I just want to get through and read, but by adding another novel into the mix every other day practically is just making that pile tower higher. There just aren't enough hours in a day for all the words I want to savor. Looking at my Kindle home page with my list of books this morning, I spent like 30 minutes reading the first chapter or so in like 7 books to try and decide who was next up. 

Who am I kidding?
I love getting these emails. It's like a Goody Grab Bag, or Dumpster diving for books every day. and who doesn't love that?