Monday, December 31, 2012

Twelve for '12 Recap

Before This year comes to a quick close, I wanted to take a moment to look back at the goals that I set for this last year. Also, recapping this list will help me focus and narrow down my goals for next year.
So here were my Twelve for '12 and how well I did or didn't do with each one.
1. Read 65 Books (moving on up in the reading world)
This one is a high source of disappointment for me. I was able to meet my 2011 goal of 52 books (averaging a book a week), so I amped up my goal. But I have only 39 completed novels for the year. The list will be a separate post, but I feel as though I have failed my inner bibliophile.
2. Get My Passport. Go to Mexico, Go to Canada... Just GO!
I didn't do this one either. So, no traveling was done.
3. Blog at least once a week (we'll see how this one goes.)
Now I'm 0-3. This was not a good blogging year for me. I think about what I would or could be posting about often, but that doesn't quite count.
4. Complete a "crafty" project- Oi. Another rough one
I am not quite sure if any of these count. But, I drew J a picture of her "Hierarchy of Awesomeness" with my remedial level drawing skills of all the reasons why I adore her. I also, just a few days ago, someone had left some Christmas rope from some present wrapping they had left behind and I cut it into 3 pieces and made a braided bracelet and gave it to one of the server's daughters who came in. Other than that. Nada
5. Read the entire Book of Mormon (Again)
6. Continue to build close relaionships with my fam.
Finally one that I can say that I completed. I have been working with Reese in T individually and with my parents to help them to understand more about me and my history in the hopes that they would be more able to support me in a way that I will allow. I finally went on, and enjoyed a family vacation. Hawaii this summer was awesome. I have never been around my family (my mom especially) for that long without some major argument. I have even caught myself feeling excited to go home both in November and for Christmas this year. I think that marks quite positive progress.
7. Have a Completly sober year
YAY!! I finally have another car!
Unfortunately no. Mind you, I have only a small number of moments or days that I spent not in sobriety, which is HUGE progress. But, I know that doesn't excuse the mistakes I did make.
8. Get another car- I'm becoming desperate.
I was almost positive that this goal was just not going to happen this year. But I am so glad this time to be wrong!!!
9. "Speak"- With Timmy and Tash there to cheer me on
Maybe I can squeeze a half point for this one. I did get the privilege to be a Recovery Speaker early this year. And while Timmy and Tash were unable to make it upstairs to sit in on the group... I was able to have Becca and Jess, 2 of my fave techs ever were right there smiling at my answers, giving me various hugs all afternoon, chatting with La and I... Jess even at one point crying. When I saw her welling up I was like, "Stop that! Why are you crying?!?!" and her response was, "Because Steph. I have known you, watched you and have helped treat you for over 4 years now. and I have been waiting all this time to hear you say something like that." It was such a cool experience.
10. Journal. Even when the journey seems too painful or too boring to mention. (you regret not doing it EVERY TIME)
Yet another goal that I struggled with. I did fairly well until early summer and then my usually avid journal writing came to a halt.
11. Date. More than once. Move closer towards an intimate relationship.
I did. And it was both good for me and extremely rough. Good for me to see that there are men that are interested in me, good to practice taking a relationship slowly, just getting to know another person that I was interested in, being flirtatious, learning to accept his compliments, trying to integrate physical closeness, hand holding, hugging, hell we even fell asleep cuddling. These are all things that I was totally unsure when or if they would EVER show up for me.
The not so good... as he ended up treating me in the way that I fear most. That our attempt at a romantic relationship flopped more than Lindsay Lohan's career, which is a bummer to say the least. And figuring out how to bounce back from that has been quite the task.
12. "Meet" with Dad at the ocean.
It was sad and beautiful and sappy and cliche and all kinds of things. But, I figure that there was no better place to attempt this than Hawaii. Wondering whether the sand that washed up and got all over our toes was sand that he had traveled with. And instead of feeling sorry for myself and feeling pathetic, I just smiled and let my voice carry the words of my letter to him out into the sea. Til we meet again Daddy.

Looking back it seems as though I didn't do as well with my goals as a whole. But I do believe that I have continued to move forward this year. I still have so much that I want to change and improve but I am still a different woman, a better and more whole human being today than I was 365 days ago. And I guess that is the best I can do.