Saturday, June 23, 2012

Emmy

Today would be my beautiful friend Emily's 24th birthday!
I know that I post this picture everytime that I write about Em... But it's the only one I have. We met at The Mansion and weren't allowed cameras. Luckily, I can't follow the rules all that well (esp the ones I deem pointless) and snuck this picture in on my last day.... Otherwise, I wouldn't even have this one to share.

Em,
I have been thinking about you a lot lately. About you and my daddy, about loss and change. It has definately been a killer of a week. You would think that I would have learned by now, through the 2 million distinct times that would each understandably teach me to live in the moment; to be grateful for what I have, in whatever capacity I have it in. Because, life happens and will take it away in less than a moment. It happened all growing up for me with D... with every stroke, sickness and surgery with my dad... It happened with friends and my health and freedom and sanity... It happened with you.
It makes me so angry with myself that I can't ever seem to just let it go, to just accept my circumstances and the people in my life and just try and enjoy it. Because with everything I mentioned above, that moment comes, and its gone. And no matter how much I try or wish or plead with God or the Universe to give me 10 minutes of The Way it Was back, I can't have it. And then I'm stuck blaming myself for everything I had the chance to do but never did. I wish so much, Emily, that I would have pushed harder those last few weeks to stay in contact with you. That when I thought of you the morning you left us, that I would have called you, instead of waiting for when I had "more time." I don't want to continue to be the kind of person that is so set in their ways that the only time they ever learn a lesson is after it's too late to fix.
I have spent the better part of the last couple of days being so bitter with the cards life seems to incessantly deal me. I even have been doubting that God. Doubting that He is watching out for me. That He just won't show me that he cares about me personally.
And then my phone rang.
It was my mom, who was wanting to check in with how Barney was doing and how I was holding up. I said I was fine fine fine and just wanted to get off the call so badly when I heard Mela in the background ask if she could say hi. I didn't feel like chatting, so I asked her about her day. She told me that she went to a friends birthday party at Build A Bear, (Mela LOVES stuffed animals, or "snugglies" as she calls them). I asked her what she named her newest bear. "Emily." I asked her if mom told her to pick that name or where she came up with it. "I donno. I just wanted her to be Emily." I started to cry and told her that I have a friend named Emily who's birthday is today... She was so excited and yelled to tell my mom. "MOM!!! Did you know that Stephanie's friend Emily and my bear Emily have the same birthday!!!" It was the most precious thing.
Thank you Em, for teaching me another lesson and sending down that little message to me today. That God and my Daddy and you are on my side and that you are watching over me. It couldn't have been any more perfect.
I miss you. Happy Birthday. Rest easy Friend.