Saturday, June 23, 2012

Emmy

Today would be my beautiful friend Emily's 24th birthday!
I know that I post this picture everytime that I write about Em... But it's the only one I have. We met at The Mansion and weren't allowed cameras. Luckily, I can't follow the rules all that well (esp the ones I deem pointless) and snuck this picture in on my last day.... Otherwise, I wouldn't even have this one to share.

Em,
I have been thinking about you a lot lately. About you and my daddy, about loss and change. It has definately been a killer of a week. You would think that I would have learned by now, through the 2 million distinct times that would each understandably teach me to live in the moment; to be grateful for what I have, in whatever capacity I have it in. Because, life happens and will take it away in less than a moment. It happened all growing up for me with D... with every stroke, sickness and surgery with my dad... It happened with friends and my health and freedom and sanity... It happened with you.
It makes me so angry with myself that I can't ever seem to just let it go, to just accept my circumstances and the people in my life and just try and enjoy it. Because with everything I mentioned above, that moment comes, and its gone. And no matter how much I try or wish or plead with God or the Universe to give me 10 minutes of The Way it Was back, I can't have it. And then I'm stuck blaming myself for everything I had the chance to do but never did. I wish so much, Emily, that I would have pushed harder those last few weeks to stay in contact with you. That when I thought of you the morning you left us, that I would have called you, instead of waiting for when I had "more time." I don't want to continue to be the kind of person that is so set in their ways that the only time they ever learn a lesson is after it's too late to fix.
I have spent the better part of the last couple of days being so bitter with the cards life seems to incessantly deal me. I even have been doubting that God. Doubting that He is watching out for me. That He just won't show me that he cares about me personally.
And then my phone rang.
It was my mom, who was wanting to check in with how Barney was doing and how I was holding up. I said I was fine fine fine and just wanted to get off the call so badly when I heard Mela in the background ask if she could say hi. I didn't feel like chatting, so I asked her about her day. She told me that she went to a friends birthday party at Build A Bear, (Mela LOVES stuffed animals, or "snugglies" as she calls them). I asked her what she named her newest bear. "Emily." I asked her if mom told her to pick that name or where she came up with it. "I donno. I just wanted her to be Emily." I started to cry and told her that I have a friend named Emily who's birthday is today... She was so excited and yelled to tell my mom. "MOM!!! Did you know that Stephanie's friend Emily and my bear Emily have the same birthday!!!" It was the most precious thing.
Thank you Em, for teaching me another lesson and sending down that little message to me today. That God and my Daddy and you are on my side and that you are watching over me. It couldn't have been any more perfect.
I miss you. Happy Birthday. Rest easy Friend.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Game Changer

Holy Curve Ball!

I feel like all my plans, all of the things that I have been gearing up and getting so excited for to happen this summer have left the building.
Saturday, my bestie and soon to be roomie Barney broke her back. She was doing handstands out on the lawn of a friend's house, her spine compressed while she was in the air and she fell straight on her spine. I got a call from her sister at 11:30 pm at work, telling me that Barney was in the ER, that her back was broken and we don't know how bad.
She has since come home, but has basically been immoble on the bed, positioned with wedge pillows to relieve pain and pressure and drugged almost into oblivion. I have basically been there all day, only going home long enough to get a few hours of sleep, work a full shift and then go straight back bedside... Rinse and Repeat...
We were supposed to be moving out of our places like TODAY, which is obviously not going to happen. I feel so bad. It still hasn't really hit me that she actually broke her back. That she's not just sick for a few days and then it is back to business as usual. But that just won't be happening. I am so grateful that she isn't paralyzed and that because it is a broken bone (as opposed to disc damage), like other broken bones, it will heal itself and she shouldn't have chronic or reoccuring issues because of it. But it is still so hard.
I feel bad even posting that one sentence as I don't want it to come across as whining or like I want or deserve pity because that isn't true AT ALL... I feel like such a crap person to even think to myself that this has been stressful for me... I am alive and walking and able to do all the little aspects of functioning that we all take for granted. I don't have anything to legitamately complain about. So, that will be my ongoing goal and focus. To slow down, be patient, be more grateful-minded and less Little-Miss-Checklist...

Sunday, June 17, 2012

What I love about this summer

Reading in the sun EVERYDAY!

I'm officially moving in with my best friend in the whole wide world. I can't ask for anything more exciting than that. We have been talking about it and wanting to do it for YEARS and now it is actually going to happen.
Plus, the third girl who will be living with us... Whom we have never met, seems to be JUST LIKE US... We love the same TV shows, all three of us love reading, we are all clean and more shy-home-bodies than party-drama-social-extroverts. (I haven't come up with a nickname for her for this blog yet...But, its definately on the horizon. It's going to be amazing

Spending hours at 7 peaks, laying out, cooling off by clogging up the Lazy River with our double tube, more laying out, frozen lemonades, reading and REPEAT until toasty tan, tired, and signifcantly farther in the novel I'm reading

Getting back into playing volleyball again. Barney and I have been peppering on a sand court by her place and it has been so much fun. And, I was asked by someone at work to be an alternate on his coed grass team... Now, I have the itch.

Slurpees- I am tried and true Cherry flavored Slurpee girl; but I may be cheating on Cherry with the new Watermelon Lime one. Can't help it. Too irresistable.

Sleeping with a blanket to be cuddly, not because my toes are falling off

Sports Bras

The 2012 Summer Olympics are coming!!!! Which means volleyball, and gymnastics and more volleyball and beach volleyball...

HagenDaz Salted Caramel ice cream bars... They are HEAVEN!

Hiking up in the canyons, sitting up on the top of Bridal Veil Falls with my journal and shades. Best place to clear your head and think. I want to make another trip down to MOAB this year too.

I'm so jazzed for this summer. There is a lot of change coming my way... But I'm mostly just excited. For so many years I have been so blah and boring and bummed out by life that I never got out there and enjoyed my summers. Hiding my body and curled up with all my own madness. Not this year! I am determined to make my life something worth remembering. I want smiling and laughing and just being as the norm.

I'd list more; but I'm going to be seriously late to work if I don't get moving.
So, bring it Summer. This b*tch is taking you on in a bikini.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Unpaused

Alright peeps!
Enough is enough!

I have been typing incomplete blogs, staring at them, wanting to take the next step, hit post and have been dying to rejoin the blog world for almost 4 months now. I literally have dozens of saved blogs that I have started and most are finished but never posted.

Why?
1.  Because like with everything else I do, the longer I go without doing something, the longer it is out of my "routine," the more impossible I make it to go back. Anyone who has ever wanted to stay in contact with me after a time where we weren't talking often, Whatever the reason, knows EXACTLY what the short end of that stick looks like.
2.  I hate that there will be this big window with no posts. They are missing. And I don't want do a marathon recap, and I don't want the things that are going on right know to not make sense because I got cyber-shy. My certifiable need for everything to make logical sense and be in order would rather delete this blog and start an entirely new one than ever dare to try and come back with all that time unaccounted for.
(If any of you readers or bloggers have ever experienced anything like this and have any advice, I'm all ears.)
3. Because I still believe most of the time that nobody wants to read about my life. Not in a "Pity-Party-Everybody-Hates-Me" way; but more that there have been too many moments when I write something, look back at it and say, "Who the hell cares? This is not interesting. Anyone who wants to know this stuff or thinks I am funny or anyone who wants to hear my often inappropriate antics and random thoughts knows where to find me. So why write a blog about it?"

Why?
Because i want to.

Like it or not... Interesting or not... Amusing, relatable, inspiring or not...
I want to.
End of story.

I'm back.