Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Un-Arrival

I want to post about the joys of Family Therapy that I experienced today... But, we'll see. The other thing to comment on today.... I was waiting in the lobby for previously mentioned therapy when one of the Directors walked through and saw me.
"Are you still doing well?"
Yes.
"K. I'm going to talk with a couple of people, but I think I am going to officially put you on the Alumni Recovery Speakers list. If that's okay"
Yes.

I suppose that my one word answers to her suggestion this time are better than me literally laughing at her the last time. But I can't help but to have those moments of doubt. Thinking there is NO way that they would actually want me to speak... Thinking that would clearly be a mistake.
I was such a pain in the ass patient. I've been the definition of defiant, treatment resistant, whiny, spiteful and just downright not caring about where I ended up. All on their watch.

But I actually think that she is serious.
And I'm kind of in shock.

I'm nervous.
I fear that people would feel like I haven't been out of treatment long enough to be speaking on behalf of women in recovery. That I'm a fake or a fraud.
That what I had to say was stupid, or void of anything meaningful.
That I was just another obnoxious person trying to tell them, 'You can do it!' without really having a clue what recovery is like (as I have sat in on those Speakers and felt this way)

I know that I hold myself to different standards than others and WAY over think things. Other people seem pretty excited. When Timmy heard about it, there were tears of pride welling up. When I told my T today, she agreed with the decision, thinking that I am a good representation of what recovery really looks like. "you haven't arrived," things aren't perfect but they are real....

Guess she has a point there. Still lots for me to overanalyze... It's a nice surprise though.
I never, NEVER thought that this would be a reality for me. That I may be able to maintain weight, keep the really crazy behaviors at bay, and blah blah blah but not ever truly instill change, and certainly not enough to be noticed and recognized by The powers that be at The Mansion.

Okay, maybe I am feeling a bit proud if myself.