Monday, June 20, 2011

Messy, messy, messy

Blah.. I'm a mess. It is 3 in the morning and I have yet to see the insides of my eylids... I have 3 unfinished blogs that need to go up, with pictures and such showing what I've been up to the last few days (going back to work, Father's day and other such randomness)...
But I am scared. I am scared to close my eyes... Because when I do, its all there. So many memories.
I swear... I know logically that doing trauma work is important and a step that I need to be taking. But it is making everyday functioning damn near impossible.
Insomnia, panic attacks, nightmares blah blah blah.
I need to get my shit together.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

All I Have to Say Is

Imma Gansta...
yes.. that is a leg of C's PJ's that she cut off to make shorts.
What????

Monday, June 13, 2011

New Digs

Here is me with my lovely new car, graciously borrowed from the rental company. It is a 2009 Jeep Patriot. So, now C and I are both driving silver, relatively new Jeeps. They look so cute together in the driveway... And apparently I am from New Mexico... At least that is semi-close to my peeps over the border.
All I have to say is.. I'm liking the ride

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Getting the Groove Back

So, today was my first real day of Day Patient, accident free and all.. So, I wanted to write a bit and post some Le Mansion pics that I illegally took on my final day of incareration.
Day is.. well Day. Except like multiplied by a gazzillion. The last time that I was on Day Patient, there were 5 of us. Today, we are a group of 17.. It is a tad nuts. It definately tests the imits of my addled PTSD'd, easily overstimulated brain.

Hougnou.... My NY girl for Life!


I saw W for a bit as she wanted to chack in and see what was going on with my accident and all.. First thing she said was, "What the Hell? Definately not what we planned for your first day out." Seriously... She wanted to know what was going on as a result of that.. I told ther that having my body hurt all over is making me remember trauma pain and is bringing up a bunch of big time emotions and memories. which is Major Sucko.

Leah
I must say that I miss my girls a lot. I get to see them, in passing to the Dining Room as such; but not enough.

My beautiful Roomie Erika

The Food Goddess decided to tell me today that I have about 2 weeks left of weight restoration. Which I suppose is both a good and a bad thing.
Good: not much time left
Bad: I feel like my body is in a place where I can be done NOW...
So lets just say that out little meeting didn't go so hot.

Room 17.. Party Room. Home of the
Cardigans and Mansion Clothes Store
My assignment for tonight... Is to write a letter to Jack as to what we are going to do for his next birthday. To apologize for breaking my promise and being in treatment instead of at home for his birthday and o give me "something to hold on and look forward to," in the hopes that my "passive suicidal ideation" will decrease.
blah blah blah...
I also found out the Timmy will be coming into my sesh tomorrow, to kind of give me some perspective as to why she has been completely non-communicative with me since I got to the Mansion. Hopefully it goes well. and that she and I can go back to being cool again.
if not... I just donno if I can keep going to her groups and passing her by in silence.
Wish me luck 




Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Happy Discharge to Me



the culprit

So.... I have been free for less than a day from the reigns of Le Mansion.... and I'm went to see my doctor,and on the way home... this little culprit tire decided that it wanted to explode on the freeway and cause me to lose control of my steering and hit the enbankment going about 75. I spun around several times, continuing to hit the wall until I finally came to a stop.

The very nice SLC police came; along with Mr. Firemen, Mr. motorcycle cop and Mr. Ambulance...
I had a very nice panic attack, and so my chief complaint was my anxiety.... to which I had NO Ativan to take, because Le Mansion didn't trust me to leave with any.... So I told them that I didn't need to go to the hospital.

Bye Bye Keanu
I finally had a chance to look at my beloved car when I left the ambulance and walked towards the cop car where I was given a citation for "failure to stay in one lane." ... Are You Kidding Me? Failure to stay in one lane??? well Duh... My tire just blew up.. and now I have to play a damn ticket.

Anywho.. I didn't notice that my head and neck where hurting until I had a chance to calm down.. I called my roomie to come and pick me up, to which she told me that if I was feeling any pain at all, I should be at the ER. So, I called Day Patient and told them that I was in an accident, that I needed to go to the ER and that I wouldn't be back on time from my pass. They told W and she called me, making sure that I am okay.

Ugh. The ER was as lame as it was every time that i go there.. (bah. I hate hospitals). The nursegave me 2 big ass shots in my leg for pain and muscle relaxation. But she gave them to me on my leg... and WAY too low on my quad muscle, so now I have 2 huge bruised and swollen welts on my leg. Thank you Genivieve RN... I had a CT scan done. Showing that, yes, I do still have a brain, but, I have a stupid damn concussion and my entire body hurts.

mostly I am tired and mourning the loss of my beautiful car.

Welcome Home Stephanie
Welcome Home...

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Free at Last

I'm FREE!!!
Today I am a free woman... Able to choose my snacks and give myself a bedtime and, best of all, flush my own toilet. I had a very emotional hello with my closet when I got back as I had missed those darling cardigans that I had left behind...
I haven't called and told anyone yet that I am out, but... I'll get back on the phone-tree ASAP...
Breathe in, and welcome back to the "real world"
inhale... exhale

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Tell One Tell All

Hey Y'all.. I have definately missed being able to come on and blog... It's funny that when you don't have access to the internet and blogger, how much I want to blog; and when I have all kinds of time and availiablilty to do so... I don't.
So...

I'm back in treatment. I've been MIA since May 4th. I don't really know why I feel like I can share this with everyone... but I fell like all these years that I have spent fighting this addiciton, trying to keep it silent... hasn't worked. So, it's about time that I got honest. My eating disorder and trauma has once again taken hold over my life and I felt like I wasn't going to be able to pull through this time without some change and intervention. So... back at The Mansion I am. I am with a whole new team and working harder than I ever have with W and the Food God on my side...
Trauma work is horrifically hard, but I have finally taken the steps to be able to come foward, use my voice and break the silence about what I have gone through.
I'm mad
I'm sad
I'm lost
I'm hurt and heart broken...
But I suppose that is all part of the process and I'm just not used to it all..

I leave here on Tuesday... I don't know how ready I am to do that... But barring The Candyman (psychiatrist) being able to convince my insurance that it would be crazy-making to have me leave in like 72 hours... I'm out... I guess this is just my proclamation that I too am human and struggle. I too have things in my life that I am trying to fix.
That I am a fighter
and I'm going to win.