Friday, March 4, 2011

What is my deal?

This has been quite a long week....
I don't normally talk so openly about this kind of stuff... But my friggin eating disorder has been almost unprecedently loud. I have struggled and cried and thrown ice and yelled at both members of my treatment team more than I ever have. I've noticed that the more that I get pushed to get rid of my addiction, or threatened for the umteenth time to lose my team... the more Ms. Bitch comes out to play.
I feel awful for the way that I have behaved, especially on Thursday with Jess. I basically treated her like I didn't care what she had to say, almost daring her to kick me out, just because I was trying to prove some lame point or something.
I was given over the weekend and until Monday to get my act together and do better. At that point I will have a check in with Jess, get reweighed and report on my behaviors; and at that point they will decide whether or not we can continue together.
Man have I done it this time. I am back at the place where I have ridden the line and now I am going to have to let my team decide my fate. I want control, but have put myself in a position where I may not get to decide what I want or what support I can have from The Mansion.
I have been doing better since that fight... Shocker. I had work today and feel absolutely exhausted. I'm not really looking forward to my double tomorrow... Bah!
I just really hope that I am not fighting too late. That I haven't pushed too hard... too far...
When am I going to learn?