Saturday, March 5, 2011

Crazy making

Tonight was insanity at the restaurant. I worked a double, saw a few people that I knew... sat, talked to, pleased about 50 gazillion people, walked about 20 gazillion more...
Biggest story of the night.. I was greeting and this young 20's guy comes up and says that he was here with his ENTIRE party of 40 and they were ready to get sat... 40 PEOPLE!!!! What in the heck?!?!?!?! We gave them a long large party quote... Lets just say that they apparently were not so happy with that. So impatient, that, no joke, every 20-25 minutes someone from the party came in and asked if even a partial portion of them could sit down...
NO... sit you and your incessant pain in the ass down in the beautiful almost-spring weather outside and wait, like anyone else who would even think to come to our restaurant on a Saturday night to eat.
I really don't understand people
1. I wouldn't even think to have that many people go somewhere that doesn't take reservations
2. I wouldn't stand waiting and meandering around the adjacent mall for that long
3. Hell, I don't think that I even know 40 people to bring to 1 dinner.

2nd story... We had a party of 12 come in for a birthday celebration and they had a special guest.
 A lifesize Justin Beiber cut-out with a bow. It was weird and hilarious... So many people came up and said something about it and taking pictures. So, tonight, Le Cheese had Beiber Fever. Bleh.


Goodness, okay enough and work madness.
I'm turning into a Cheese snob.
oh.. and I broke my shopping break today to buy a lousy bottle of hairspray. I want to curl my hair for work tomorrow... that seems legit enough to break my goal, right????

Friday, March 4, 2011

Advice

Dear Daddy,

I haven't written you in quite a while, but I have been thinking of you lately.
My heart hurts. I am lost Daddy. I cannot seem to figure things out right now. I stopped being a Day Patient too early at The Mansion and now I am completely floundering. I tried to leave and prove that I could do it more on my own. But I am failing.
Mom told me that I am acting like you. Not listening to the advice and help from myt doctors and team, ignoring how my body is reacting, pushing my limits. Her fear is that I'll continue to do it my way until my body gives in and permanent, irreversable damage will be done. She's afraid I'll die stubborn and proud like you.
I guess that recently I have been thinking about what you would say uf you were here. If I grew up with a healthier you, if we could or would have talked; what would you say? What advice would you give me?
Would you tell me to knock it off? listen to those who know, be kinder to my body?
It breaks me because I don't know what you'd say. That I can't use past things that you've said to me play them through that crazy brain of mine. I need help from wherever I can get it..
I wish that you were here so that I could ask you...
I miss you
I love you
But, I'm really sorry... I don't want to end up like you...
I need to figure this out.

What is my deal?

This has been quite a long week....
I don't normally talk so openly about this kind of stuff... But my friggin eating disorder has been almost unprecedently loud. I have struggled and cried and thrown ice and yelled at both members of my treatment team more than I ever have. I've noticed that the more that I get pushed to get rid of my addiction, or threatened for the umteenth time to lose my team... the more Ms. Bitch comes out to play.
I feel awful for the way that I have behaved, especially on Thursday with Jess. I basically treated her like I didn't care what she had to say, almost daring her to kick me out, just because I was trying to prove some lame point or something.
I was given over the weekend and until Monday to get my act together and do better. At that point I will have a check in with Jess, get reweighed and report on my behaviors; and at that point they will decide whether or not we can continue together.
Man have I done it this time. I am back at the place where I have ridden the line and now I am going to have to let my team decide my fate. I want control, but have put myself in a position where I may not get to decide what I want or what support I can have from The Mansion.
I have been doing better since that fight... Shocker. I had work today and feel absolutely exhausted. I'm not really looking forward to my double tomorrow... Bah!
I just really hope that I am not fighting too late. That I haven't pushed too hard... too far...
When am I going to learn?