Monday, December 19, 2011

Countdown to CA

You know your room is a mess when, you slide out of bed at night, (well, the half the bed i sleep on, as the other half has become my second closet), knock a book off my covers, dance around the phone cord, step over the UGG's and run right into the space heater.
My jammed baby toe will thank me for this in the morning.
Dear Optics Company,
Make contacts I can sleep in.
Love,
Me
T minus 38 hours until my flight home and the To-Do list is getting ever so lengthy.
The Procrastination Queen is on the loose!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

"Whoopsie"

I am in love and utterly OBSESSED with Ms Chelsea Handler and her round table hilarity on Chelsea Lately. It gets my giggle fix for the day...
She never fails to teach me about all kinds of stupidity in the realm of politics, celebrities and reality television...
She's opinionated and inappropriate... Constantly
Always gifting me with some moments of exposure to raunchy things and still making me laugh!
I know that this may make me sound lame but I don't mind.
I have watched the new episodes of Chelsea EVERY day Mon through Thurs since Aug...
What can I say. I love this slutty, blonde, half Jewish, half Mormon, big chested, vodka loving, midget fetish'ing, New Jersey Bitch ...
Some people wish to shed tears with Oprah...
others would die to dance with Ellen (not gunna lie, I'd do it)..
But me?
I have actual dreams about making it onto the Chelsea Lately show;
be it for my lastest book, grammy nomination or YouTube brilliance.

I can only hope that my wit and humor will continue to grow so that I can be even HALF as entertaining.

And Chuy?
I Love that little Mexi "Nugget"

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Un-Arrival

I want to post about the joys of Family Therapy that I experienced today... But, we'll see. The other thing to comment on today.... I was waiting in the lobby for previously mentioned therapy when one of the Directors walked through and saw me.
"Are you still doing well?"
Yes.
"K. I'm going to talk with a couple of people, but I think I am going to officially put you on the Alumni Recovery Speakers list. If that's okay"
Yes.

I suppose that my one word answers to her suggestion this time are better than me literally laughing at her the last time. But I can't help but to have those moments of doubt. Thinking there is NO way that they would actually want me to speak... Thinking that would clearly be a mistake.
I was such a pain in the ass patient. I've been the definition of defiant, treatment resistant, whiny, spiteful and just downright not caring about where I ended up. All on their watch.

But I actually think that she is serious.
And I'm kind of in shock.

I'm nervous.
I fear that people would feel like I haven't been out of treatment long enough to be speaking on behalf of women in recovery. That I'm a fake or a fraud.
That what I had to say was stupid, or void of anything meaningful.
That I was just another obnoxious person trying to tell them, 'You can do it!' without really having a clue what recovery is like (as I have sat in on those Speakers and felt this way)

I know that I hold myself to different standards than others and WAY over think things. Other people seem pretty excited. When Timmy heard about it, there were tears of pride welling up. When I told my T today, she agreed with the decision, thinking that I am a good representation of what recovery really looks like. "you haven't arrived," things aren't perfect but they are real....

Guess she has a point there. Still lots for me to overanalyze... It's a nice surprise though.
I never, NEVER thought that this would be a reality for me. That I may be able to maintain weight, keep the really crazy behaviors at bay, and blah blah blah but not ever truly instill change, and certainly not enough to be noticed and recognized by The powers that be at The Mansion.

Okay, maybe I am feeling a bit proud if myself.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Cheesecake Rocks!!!


I can stop watching this... and I can't stop smiling...
I wish I had learned the whole dance and got in the video,
but I love my Cheese Family!
Momma and Manager Shelli Rocks for making this all happen.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Roomies

We're cool

... I think...

Libros

Today I decided to leave the house today, right as we had our first snow of the winter.... And tiptoe down the road to the Library...
Yes, the library...
The last time I entered such a building being while cramming for finals at the Y.
Not going there for 'fun' since going throughout elementary and middle school on Mondays with Marco and Dad.
I've decided that I need to put DOWN the Kindle for a bit and find another way to get through all of these books that I want to read..
Turn real pages and perhaps even use a bookmark.
My list of "To Read" books is just continuing to grow as I browse through new genres and random reviews of books that I never even dreamed into existance.
Also, as I am still working towards my 1 book per week/52 books this year goal, I find myself in the position of needing to find and buy books seemingly every few days.
I feel like some kind of Literature Vampire, "Lit Vamp" I called myself earlier today for short; thankfully needing more and more words, not blood..
Because that's just disgusting. 
I keep finding more and more meaningful quotes and insights to write down in the hopes to try and inspire me in my own writing.
I left about 35 minutes later, the proud owner of my shiny new blue library card and 4 books to devour in the coming days... Wanting to read through them quickly as I had to narrow down my chosen books from today down from around 12. Already excited to go back and find my next gems.
Pace Yourself Stephanie

Then tonight, I had the cutest reading date with my Bubby over the phone. After I had sent the kiddos books for Boo's birthday this month and J FINALLY fell in love with a book series that I got him, I thought that it would be a good bonding experience to read those books with him... Him laying on his bed in CA, me snuggled up next to my space heater in UT. We were on the phone for just shy of an hour and read 8 chapters back and forth in "Mr. Klutz is Nuts," giggling together at all the silliness.
Of course, I was reading them from my Kindle, so I now am supporting my habit and the developing addiction of my 6 yr old brother.
I know, I know. I seem to be obsessed with this kid, how smart he is and overjoyed at how much we are actually alike.
My mom sent me a picture, when she went into J's room to check on him and found him reading via mini booklight...

I almost melted on the spot, as that was EXACTLY how my mom used to find me in my room. I'd read before bed, and then after being told 'lights out,' I'd hide under my blankets with my flashlight until I fell asleep on my latest read OR got busted by mom for being up past bedtime.
I have to admit I am rather proud of myself for helping instill this reading madness into J.
We ended the phonecall with J and Boo asking me to say prayer with them and hearing them sleepy as they turned off the lights, smiling about reading with Stephie.

Good Day. Good Night.

Monday, October 31, 2011

You know that you have pushed your limits too far and that you have watched enough scary movies for the year when you are looking forward to Shutter Island being the calmest movie of the night.
My attempt at a Halloween Horror Movie Marathon...
No Bueno


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Fly

In the words of Nicki Minaj and Rihanna..


"I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive. I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise. To fly, to fly."






This song is my new Theme Song... For now

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Jipped

The Biggest Loser without Jillian is like Christmas without Santa

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Canyons

My Manager recently saw this picture that I took up in the Canyons.. Asked me to send it to him so that he could display it in his house... 
"Steph, this picture is amazing. You even got God in it."

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Emily

I sit here today wondering what to think, what to write, how to move... But I find myself literally frozen... I found out last night that one of my beloved friends Emily passed away on Friday. My little Em. The beautiful soul who helped keep me sane and happy through a few of the hardest months of both of our lives. The shock of that loss was mixed with the feeling of fear and apprehension. Em would be the second of my CFC Family who has passed away in the last 6 months and the third person from my inner circle of family to pass away or to have the anniversry of their passing take place in the last 10 days.
Losing Emily was a loss that hit so strong, so fresh, I find it hard to breathe; my mind going every which direction wondering what happened or whether there was anything or anyone who could have helped her. My heart broke once again this morning as I was able to glean some information from her family. My darling Emily ended her life, overdosing on perscriptions. The outcome that I had feared the most.
This took me back to our time together at The Mansion. All the countless hours we would spend together chatting on the unit, chatting during meals while the rest of the group played games, talking through FNS movies on the back couch. Talking about the ups and downs of treatment, recapping some of the crazy drama moments and laughing until other girls or staff would ask us to quiet down... Talking about our battles, our deamons, all of the things that we felt the world would strike us down should they know. Emily was the first person I connected to during that stay. She had tried to chat with me a little, when I first got there; but I pushed everyone out, unintentionally intimidating them while trying to hide with my own pain... Pain that Emily saw right through. Our first true bonding moment was while I was on Behavioral Refocus near the end of my first week... I came back from a group and noticed a pink Post-it note stuck to the side of my wheelchair. In the cutest, perfect little penmenship was a note from Em; telling me that I wasn't in this alone, that even if we couldn't talk that we could still support each other in silence...
That moment started our little rule-breaking tradition of passing notes to each other while I was on Behavioral and Caution and then later as she spent some time in similar "therapeutic silence." I remember coming back to the spot at the Behavioral desk where I had a stack of papers waiting for me. At first I thought it was yet another hefty assignment from W (as that would make that day like any other I spent in treatment) but saw that it was Emily's Autobiography. Attached to it was a note from her saying that she was scared to read auto to the group and wanting to know if I would be willing to read it for her. That was it... She'd broken through my 9 foot walls and made it into my heart... and trust me, once you're in, you never leave.
Emily and I were similar in a lot of ways; so we both could help the other out when we could see them getting stuck. She is shy, quiet and withdrawn when you meet her... But once she felt like she could maybe let you in, she start to show more and more moments of that bright, bubbly, smart, hilarious and caring young woman that you just can't help but to love.
Sitting here now, after she has gone... I feel broken. In front of me I have two letters staring back at me from the comforter on my bed. On the left sits the letter that she wrote to me to read after I had discharged. A letter I have read several times in the last few days; bringing me smiles, giggles, tears and memories... A letter that reminds me of all that we had gone through together as friends... She ended the letter by calling me her "Big Sis," which are big shoes to fill as she had lost hers to illness not long before. We both just knew we were going to be friends for the rest of our lives. I may dare to say that I got closer to Em than I had to almost anyone I had ever met at The Mansion (and I've been around a lot).
The paper on the right sits the letter that I wrote for Emily; intended to be given to her the day she left, a small gift for her to open after she had journeyed home. A letter that obviously never made it to her as it still sits in front of me. I kept forgetting to bring it as the time got closer and then after she had left, I made a new promise to send it to her later and just keep talking to her and telling her all the things that I wrote...All the things that I wanted her to remember.
A promise that I can no longer keep.
We kept in touch on and off after discharge, but we hadn't really been as close as we'd planned. I was trying to stay strong and hide my struggles from her; while at the same time, I knew she was trying to do the same.
It makes me wonder...
Wonder, if there was anything that I missed. Anything that I could have done. Em and I also shared the struggle known as doubt. We talked a lot about feeling inadequate, acknowledging our desires to change and make it, but then doubting our ability to actually succeed. We had talked about the option of death, both of us being a voice of reason against it to the other. Eventually we had just promised that we would never follow through with such a decision, if for no other reason, so that neither of us would have to deal with having to lose the other.
I lost.
And I feel its as though I have done something wrong. That there are 2 people in a friendship and 2 of us who made that pact... Not that I would ever claim to be God or to have the ability to choose for someone... But more that I feel as though I fell short of my duty as "Big Sis" and friend.
I probably could go on forever. But I guess this is me trying to make heads or tails of it all. So...
To my dear sweet Emily,
I would never had expected that I would've had to say goodbye to you. This seems to unreal to me. You were such a fighter. You had to fight with your eating disorder and your depression for so long. And as hard as it got and as hopeless as it seemed, you kept going. You had a silent strength that was able to keep you alive and fighting into your young adult years. I truly believe in the sentiment that the Lord places people in our lives at specific times so that we can learn from each other and to feel His love for us, through the love of another. I know that I can speak for every person that has met you, especially those of us who had the honor of being with you at The Mansion, when I say that you have forever touched each of our lives. I honestly don't know if there is a more pure, sweet and caring person on this Earth. Your presence was so calm and gentile. And even if your voice wasn't the loudest in the room; when you spoke, people would listen. You had to go through so much in your life and it is amazing to see how far you took it. Many people would have given up long before, and there was a lot of fear within you, but you kept holding on to whatever form of hope you could find and kept pushing forward with faith. I am so proud and honored to have met you and to have had the privilege to see the real you. I had all but given myself the life sentence of loneliness; when you came along and taught me that I still have it in me to be a good friend.
I miss you so much Em. I know that I didn't come through for you as much as you deserved. But I will make another promise to you now... That you will never be forgotten. That I will do everything that I can to love as much and as openly as you did. To look to the Lord to find strength, and to remember that each of us is invaluable and irreplaceable. My heart aches to think and know how much you were hurting and how you felt on Friday night. Its an unnameable type of anguish that I wouldn't ever want you to feel. I wish you were here to read all of the notes and memories that us girls are writing for and about you.
We love you. We miss you.
We are all reconnecting through phone calls and emails and texts, reminding each other of how much we mean to each other... Not wanting to lose the opportunity to say, one more time that I love you, and making new commitments to each other to fight.
Fight for ourselves and fight in your honor.
While I am so grateful that we are finding good and a sense of motivation and purpose from this, I wish we didn't have to lose you to start.
You once told me that when you write "...." it signifies all the feelings and words that you can't seem to confine to a line on a page. That it is full of all the understanding and love that you have stumbled into for that moment...
I pray that you are finally able to rest. That your mind is quiet, your heart is still; that you are able to be with your sister and then to be a watchful angel over us all. You short life was a wonderful miracle. And it will be an example to many who follow.
You are with me forever Em
Till we meet again
....

Monday, June 20, 2011

Messy, messy, messy

Blah.. I'm a mess. It is 3 in the morning and I have yet to see the insides of my eylids... I have 3 unfinished blogs that need to go up, with pictures and such showing what I've been up to the last few days (going back to work, Father's day and other such randomness)...
But I am scared. I am scared to close my eyes... Because when I do, its all there. So many memories.
I swear... I know logically that doing trauma work is important and a step that I need to be taking. But it is making everyday functioning damn near impossible.
Insomnia, panic attacks, nightmares blah blah blah.
I need to get my shit together.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

All I Have to Say Is

Imma Gansta...
yes.. that is a leg of C's PJ's that she cut off to make shorts.
What????

Monday, June 13, 2011

New Digs

Here is me with my lovely new car, graciously borrowed from the rental company. It is a 2009 Jeep Patriot. So, now C and I are both driving silver, relatively new Jeeps. They look so cute together in the driveway... And apparently I am from New Mexico... At least that is semi-close to my peeps over the border.
All I have to say is.. I'm liking the ride

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Getting the Groove Back

So, today was my first real day of Day Patient, accident free and all.. So, I wanted to write a bit and post some Le Mansion pics that I illegally took on my final day of incareration.
Day is.. well Day. Except like multiplied by a gazzillion. The last time that I was on Day Patient, there were 5 of us. Today, we are a group of 17.. It is a tad nuts. It definately tests the imits of my addled PTSD'd, easily overstimulated brain.

Hougnou.... My NY girl for Life!


I saw W for a bit as she wanted to chack in and see what was going on with my accident and all.. First thing she said was, "What the Hell? Definately not what we planned for your first day out." Seriously... She wanted to know what was going on as a result of that.. I told ther that having my body hurt all over is making me remember trauma pain and is bringing up a bunch of big time emotions and memories. which is Major Sucko.

Leah
I must say that I miss my girls a lot. I get to see them, in passing to the Dining Room as such; but not enough.

My beautiful Roomie Erika

The Food Goddess decided to tell me today that I have about 2 weeks left of weight restoration. Which I suppose is both a good and a bad thing.
Good: not much time left
Bad: I feel like my body is in a place where I can be done NOW...
So lets just say that out little meeting didn't go so hot.

Room 17.. Party Room. Home of the
Cardigans and Mansion Clothes Store
My assignment for tonight... Is to write a letter to Jack as to what we are going to do for his next birthday. To apologize for breaking my promise and being in treatment instead of at home for his birthday and o give me "something to hold on and look forward to," in the hopes that my "passive suicidal ideation" will decrease.
blah blah blah...
I also found out the Timmy will be coming into my sesh tomorrow, to kind of give me some perspective as to why she has been completely non-communicative with me since I got to the Mansion. Hopefully it goes well. and that she and I can go back to being cool again.
if not... I just donno if I can keep going to her groups and passing her by in silence.
Wish me luck 




Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Happy Discharge to Me



the culprit

So.... I have been free for less than a day from the reigns of Le Mansion.... and I'm went to see my doctor,and on the way home... this little culprit tire decided that it wanted to explode on the freeway and cause me to lose control of my steering and hit the enbankment going about 75. I spun around several times, continuing to hit the wall until I finally came to a stop.

The very nice SLC police came; along with Mr. Firemen, Mr. motorcycle cop and Mr. Ambulance...
I had a very nice panic attack, and so my chief complaint was my anxiety.... to which I had NO Ativan to take, because Le Mansion didn't trust me to leave with any.... So I told them that I didn't need to go to the hospital.

Bye Bye Keanu
I finally had a chance to look at my beloved car when I left the ambulance and walked towards the cop car where I was given a citation for "failure to stay in one lane." ... Are You Kidding Me? Failure to stay in one lane??? well Duh... My tire just blew up.. and now I have to play a damn ticket.

Anywho.. I didn't notice that my head and neck where hurting until I had a chance to calm down.. I called my roomie to come and pick me up, to which she told me that if I was feeling any pain at all, I should be at the ER. So, I called Day Patient and told them that I was in an accident, that I needed to go to the ER and that I wouldn't be back on time from my pass. They told W and she called me, making sure that I am okay.

Ugh. The ER was as lame as it was every time that i go there.. (bah. I hate hospitals). The nursegave me 2 big ass shots in my leg for pain and muscle relaxation. But she gave them to me on my leg... and WAY too low on my quad muscle, so now I have 2 huge bruised and swollen welts on my leg. Thank you Genivieve RN... I had a CT scan done. Showing that, yes, I do still have a brain, but, I have a stupid damn concussion and my entire body hurts.

mostly I am tired and mourning the loss of my beautiful car.

Welcome Home Stephanie
Welcome Home...

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Free at Last

I'm FREE!!!
Today I am a free woman... Able to choose my snacks and give myself a bedtime and, best of all, flush my own toilet. I had a very emotional hello with my closet when I got back as I had missed those darling cardigans that I had left behind...
I haven't called and told anyone yet that I am out, but... I'll get back on the phone-tree ASAP...
Breathe in, and welcome back to the "real world"
inhale... exhale

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Tell One Tell All

Hey Y'all.. I have definately missed being able to come on and blog... It's funny that when you don't have access to the internet and blogger, how much I want to blog; and when I have all kinds of time and availiablilty to do so... I don't.
So...

I'm back in treatment. I've been MIA since May 4th. I don't really know why I feel like I can share this with everyone... but I fell like all these years that I have spent fighting this addiciton, trying to keep it silent... hasn't worked. So, it's about time that I got honest. My eating disorder and trauma has once again taken hold over my life and I felt like I wasn't going to be able to pull through this time without some change and intervention. So... back at The Mansion I am. I am with a whole new team and working harder than I ever have with W and the Food God on my side...
Trauma work is horrifically hard, but I have finally taken the steps to be able to come foward, use my voice and break the silence about what I have gone through.
I'm mad
I'm sad
I'm lost
I'm hurt and heart broken...
But I suppose that is all part of the process and I'm just not used to it all..

I leave here on Tuesday... I don't know how ready I am to do that... But barring The Candyman (psychiatrist) being able to convince my insurance that it would be crazy-making to have me leave in like 72 hours... I'm out... I guess this is just my proclamation that I too am human and struggle. I too have things in my life that I am trying to fix.
That I am a fighter
and I'm going to win.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Peace Out

I'm taking a hiatus for a while.. Hopefully not any longer than a few weeks.. But I love you all and just wanted you to know that.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Crazy making

Tonight was insanity at the restaurant. I worked a double, saw a few people that I knew... sat, talked to, pleased about 50 gazillion people, walked about 20 gazillion more...
Biggest story of the night.. I was greeting and this young 20's guy comes up and says that he was here with his ENTIRE party of 40 and they were ready to get sat... 40 PEOPLE!!!! What in the heck?!?!?!?! We gave them a long large party quote... Lets just say that they apparently were not so happy with that. So impatient, that, no joke, every 20-25 minutes someone from the party came in and asked if even a partial portion of them could sit down...
NO... sit you and your incessant pain in the ass down in the beautiful almost-spring weather outside and wait, like anyone else who would even think to come to our restaurant on a Saturday night to eat.
I really don't understand people
1. I wouldn't even think to have that many people go somewhere that doesn't take reservations
2. I wouldn't stand waiting and meandering around the adjacent mall for that long
3. Hell, I don't think that I even know 40 people to bring to 1 dinner.

2nd story... We had a party of 12 come in for a birthday celebration and they had a special guest.
 A lifesize Justin Beiber cut-out with a bow. It was weird and hilarious... So many people came up and said something about it and taking pictures. So, tonight, Le Cheese had Beiber Fever. Bleh.


Goodness, okay enough and work madness.
I'm turning into a Cheese snob.
oh.. and I broke my shopping break today to buy a lousy bottle of hairspray. I want to curl my hair for work tomorrow... that seems legit enough to break my goal, right????

Friday, March 4, 2011

Advice

Dear Daddy,

I haven't written you in quite a while, but I have been thinking of you lately.
My heart hurts. I am lost Daddy. I cannot seem to figure things out right now. I stopped being a Day Patient too early at The Mansion and now I am completely floundering. I tried to leave and prove that I could do it more on my own. But I am failing.
Mom told me that I am acting like you. Not listening to the advice and help from myt doctors and team, ignoring how my body is reacting, pushing my limits. Her fear is that I'll continue to do it my way until my body gives in and permanent, irreversable damage will be done. She's afraid I'll die stubborn and proud like you.
I guess that recently I have been thinking about what you would say uf you were here. If I grew up with a healthier you, if we could or would have talked; what would you say? What advice would you give me?
Would you tell me to knock it off? listen to those who know, be kinder to my body?
It breaks me because I don't know what you'd say. That I can't use past things that you've said to me play them through that crazy brain of mine. I need help from wherever I can get it..
I wish that you were here so that I could ask you...
I miss you
I love you
But, I'm really sorry... I don't want to end up like you...
I need to figure this out.

What is my deal?

This has been quite a long week....
I don't normally talk so openly about this kind of stuff... But my friggin eating disorder has been almost unprecedently loud. I have struggled and cried and thrown ice and yelled at both members of my treatment team more than I ever have. I've noticed that the more that I get pushed to get rid of my addiction, or threatened for the umteenth time to lose my team... the more Ms. Bitch comes out to play.
I feel awful for the way that I have behaved, especially on Thursday with Jess. I basically treated her like I didn't care what she had to say, almost daring her to kick me out, just because I was trying to prove some lame point or something.
I was given over the weekend and until Monday to get my act together and do better. At that point I will have a check in with Jess, get reweighed and report on my behaviors; and at that point they will decide whether or not we can continue together.
Man have I done it this time. I am back at the place where I have ridden the line and now I am going to have to let my team decide my fate. I want control, but have put myself in a position where I may not get to decide what I want or what support I can have from The Mansion.
I have been doing better since that fight... Shocker. I had work today and feel absolutely exhausted. I'm not really looking forward to my double tomorrow... Bah!
I just really hope that I am not fighting too late. That I haven't pushed too hard... too far...
When am I going to learn?

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Bag Break

I have recently noticed that this little chica has a massive problemo with shopping. Having new cardigans and shoes and anything else that I can find does a little damage to the bank account.... So, this shopping fiend is making an open committment to all here....
I am going to take a 2 week hiatus from my addiction of procuring... Now this may not seem like a long time, but to me, this goal seems near impossible. Yes. I am laughing at myself at how dumb this sounds.
Wish me luck...

Monday, February 14, 2011

"Love Today"

Today was.... yet another day at work. People for the last week have been asking what I was going to do for Valentine's Day; my answer each time being that Le Cheese is my valentine. I worked a total of 13.4 hours today, on the restaurant's busiest day of the year. I am absolutely exhausted... 
I started out the first part of my shift in the office on the phones. They never stopped.
I told hundreds of people that "Unfortunately, we are not taking any reservations for tonight... We are going to be seating all of our guests on a first come first serve basis."
In response... "But I have to take my girl out..." "Are you f*!^kidding... you're expecting a 2 hour wait? How are people supposed to celebrate?" ... Well... maybe if you hadn't have waited until 6 pm the day of your date.. maybe you could have found somewhere else to eat.
A few of my favorite calls from today were...
  • "We have a party of 16 adults and 14 children for tonight... What time do you have a reservation for us?"   Both of managers just laughed when I told them, neither wanting to talk to this woman with such a brilliant idea.
  • (At about 7pm... middle of the busiet part of our rush....) Guest: Um hi, I would like to plaec an order for a slice of cheesecake to pick up for next Saturday. Me: you're just looking to pick up one slice? Guest: yes. I know that you guys are busy... I want it ready for that night to pick up between 10:30 and 11:30..
    This HAS to be a joke... She wasn't entirely pleased with me saying that we have all of our cakes with ready to serve slices at all times and that she could just walk in next Saturday and get her dessert in less than 3 minutes from our bakery.... weird
At one point it got too busy out front for the front desk to handle... and I got pulled out to work around the front desk for a while... which ended up being for the next 5 hours... My feet are broken due to the fact that I wore my hot grey heels for my officing day... i still can't really feel my big toes.

Surprisingly enough... I did have fun today. I struggled in the sense, that I didn't rock the house with my dietary amazingness.. I don't really know what happened to reset my brain to equate work=old Stephanie... But... That sure is how this weekend went down...
Ze dietician is going to just love me on Wed.... I tried to calll and cancel today... But Timmy got in the way of that. Boo... Brat..

K. This post is way random and most likely extremely annoying.. So, I end here..



Saturday, February 12, 2011

Work Math

Remind me again, someone...oh PLEASE make me understand the seemingly,"World's Strongest Urge" to eat @ Le Cheese when we don't take resevervations.
Today/tonight's shift was the worst. Now it may seem that I say that every time that I have a rough shift... But this one may be some kind of list topper.
I started my desk shift at 11 this morning. This being Valentine's Weekend, lets just say the restaurant was a weee bit packed. 2 hour wait for 2 people... 4 and a half  hour wait for parties larger than 8. Does anyone know what this insanity equation looks like???
221 Names on the wait
+ lovey dovey weekend celebrations leading to sitting and stalling at tables for HOURS longer than it takes to eat
+ angry middle aged men trying to prove their masculinaty by demeaning the women at the host table, like we have complete control over which tables get up when allowing for the  perfect symmatry with table availiability and readiness of guest..
+ Having eating disordered guest Sister Sue come in and then falls over, passing out in the lobby.
Poor thing
+incessant shaking from my anxiety and vat sized amounts of Diet Coke
+6 Deskers....
=
One Crazy Mo-Fo Night...

Now It is 11 pm and I am beyond exhausted... Back to the grind again tomorrow

Ms. Lonely

Here's the picture.

Me...
Ativan and Ambien'd up... Sitting on my couch in my slippers and Victoria's Secret Pink sweats, watching Gilmore Girl reruns for the 398472309482473th time, patiently waiting for my anxiety to decrease, my laundry to be ready to put in the dryer and tiredness to come over me so that I can fall in to that glorious state of slumber that much of the world easily finds a place in.

me...sitting here... I'm sad...
Right now I am going through a big transition. I have been back a work for a month's worth of weekends now... and I have kept myself quite busy the whole time. I love it while I'm there. I am social, helpful, complimented on my attiture, appearance and uber amazing work ethic.... I run around a restaurant for hours helping hundreds of other people figure out exactly what they want....
For those moments. I am Stephanie... I am useful... I am personable...
I am happy.

Then... I come home...
I am by myself with the Lorelei's...
and I'm sad.

I don't know what I need to do differently in order to feel that sense of wholeness that I feel when I am around Timmy and people of Le Mansion... I have to become a normal functioning person in society again. I have bills and appointments and roommates and dishes and laundry to attend to....
But, when I am alone, it all seems so unimportant, so uneventful,
so lonely.

I need to find and fill my life with new and good connections again.
This can't be the portrait of all my Friday nights...
Must... find... normalcy...



P.S. Sorry for the "Debbie-Downerness of this post.. I shall add new cardigan pics and laughable moments soon... Just not feelin it tonight.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Flip the Bird

So, I was shopping today and ran across an enmeshment of 2 of my loves.. shopping and Angry Birds

I started off my pleasureful procuring with TOMS... and these lovelies..


They are white and red and all kinds of
unpatriotic perfect.
and it wasn't until I was walking out that I saw this gem in the window of a store that I Never go into.


...irony of it all.. I HATE bacon and all of its greasy grossness. I have since gone out to lunch and tanning wearing this shirt today... Getting comments by several people whom I doubt could care less about what I was eating or abouthow the darkening of my skin is coming along...
it is the video game madness that binds us.. For all Ipod/phone owners, insomniacs and fun people alike Angry Birds is definately where its at....
What else can I say?


I love it.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

12th Eleven?

So... I did something today that made me want to add something of my list of things to accomplish this year...
Make a quilt?
Sew a skirt?

Today I sewed a pilowcase... A pillowcase!!! I know that it seems lame and such to start with that... but I have NEVER sewed anything IN MY LIFE...
Here's the proof
cute right?

It doesn't normally go with my usual OCD solids or stripes... but. I think it adds a bit of sass to my room.
I actually had fun doing it today to.
I don't know that I could remember how to do anything with the sewing machine again like I did today...
But, hey... First step... something small.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Newest Lovlies

Now I know that my blog must seem like I have a shopping addiction... With my "TOMS family" this and "Forever Cardi family" that...
Well rest assured all...
Its true.
I cannot seem to stay away from Nordy's or that beautiful rack of cardigans that seems to whisper sweet nothings into my ear every time that I go.
Here are the newest babies to my cardi fam.
#1 Agua My first had-to-have of the year.. Especially because it draws from my Mexican espanol heritage.
#2- Saturn (here comes cheesey) out of this world cutness.
#3 Zest It looks more lime greeney in real life but it is going to be worn non-stop I believe... as soon as Mr. Snow decides to hibernate and leave me with sunny sunshine chance to skip and play in.
#4 Heather Seascape Pretty darker blue with grey undertones... Can't stop wearing it now.
#5 Majesty Because who wouldn't want to be royalty in this purple beauty.
Momma has gotten busy...
23 kiddos in the bunch now....
Someone MUST STOP ME!!!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Sparkly

I've added a new member to my TOMS family... They are the loud mouth out of all the kids. The flashy, necklace wearing teenager that yells at mommy because she can't stay out past curfew.

They are black, sparkly, full of story and beautiful.
Welcome.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

'11 Elevens

So, being the list maker exrtraordinaire that I am... I decided that I wanted to set 11 goals for this fine new year of 2011.... Not calling them Resolutions or anything... This is Just a To Do List..... 11 Things to Accomplish... Only thing special about this list, is that as I knock something off I want to have some kind of photographic visual proof that that I am doing it... So, you, fine reader can see progress along with me...

here they are

1. Figure out why God gave me 2010. Why did He give me 2011? Why did He give me today?

2. Get back into school. REAL school... no more of my online schtuff...

3. Read the whole Book of Mormon

4. Continue to build my forever Cardi and TOMS families

5. Read 52 novels in the 52 weeks of this year.... Yes. I'm feeling reading ambition

6. Make it out to see my East Coast Sisters

7. Either enjoy Le Cheese or find a job that I like going to every day

8. Learn to play a new instrument

9. Get my Passport and plan a foreign adventure

10. Blog more often

11. Start a novel