Friday, September 3, 2010

Cycle

I feel like, every several weeks, I feel "the urge" to get my hesitant, anxiety ridden bum, back on the computer and try yelling to myself,
"STEPHANIE, JUST BLOG ALREADY!!!!"
I proceed to then type some small form of update for anyone, if anyone, who still reads and then... several weeks later the cycle starts over again...
So.. Here We Are... Start of Cycle...

Things for me have been... well.. lots of things...

Work is good... I have cut out another shift per week; which cuts down my money-makin hours, but greatly increases my ability to stay sane and smile at the intolerant woman who has just asked for her 7th (NO LIE) refill of her Diet Roy Rogers...

Me and my Love Bug Jack
Boo and I
I just came home from another amazing home visit. Spent 5 days in CA with the fam to celebrate Marco's 19th birthday & just chillax away from  this fine state of Utah. I was feeling oh-so-ready for a little Time Out, and it was exactly what I needed.... I head back the 2nd week in October to see lil' Miss Diva Mela turn 4 and we are ALREADY counting down the days over the phone...

I miss her smile and laugh ALREADY!

Life in therapy, A.K.A. Timmy and Teffie Land are quite up in the air.... We are doing levels of work that I never thought could be as possible or as painful as they are. To say that I am taking risks, might be the understatement of my lifetime... This does however, make all those hours that I spent outside of my "Sanity Hour" unbelievably hard and at times, seemingly unbearable. I have never been one to lean on ANYONE for ANYTHING; so I currently have found myself, for the first time to feel "needy;" I word I never wanted to live in my universe. Through this process, my T has been nothing short of amazing, validating, patient.
I know without a doubt that I would never have been able to do what I have done with anyone else.
In the last few weeks we have been talking a lot about our dynamic and how it is changing, where it is working, where it is lacking, etc.. etc... and after the world's longest sob fest sesh on Thurs, I finally left Timmy's office with a HUGE QUESTION....

Is working together still in my/our best interest???

At any other time in my life, this question would have been "the end of the world," the biggest drama, worst-case-scenario level of catastrophe. If you were to try and tell me that Timmy and Teffie aren't the "best team EVER," I probably wouldn't just laugh in your face, I'd throw some freshly made, secret recipe, Cheesecake Factory whip cream at you too..
But, shockingly... I am not feeling as "Apocalypse Now!" as I thought I would. If the decision is to have me switch T's and see someone new... yes... I will be sad... devastated and have to spend some time working through that transition... AND... I will be extremely relieved that we aren't ending with one of us "firing" the other, angry, resentful, confused and without closure. It will happen because, I am trying, for maybe the first time ever, to TRULY decide how I actually am going to heal (for GOOD), what I need to in order to get there, and how I'm actually going to get those things taken care of.

This may not make sense to any of you.... But, somewhere inside, it makes sense to me... and I'm sure if I can push past this Lame Update Cycle I've been in, more goodies are forthcoming....

So, hello again blogging world....