Monday, July 5, 2010

Still afraid of Fireworks




Dear America,
Just a little note to say Happy Independence Day!!!
Love, Me!

I am unfortunately not the best person when it comes to celebrating this holiday... I blame it on the scar I wear on my stomach from the bottle rocket disaster from several years ago. But, I really don't have beef with the Fourth. 

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been thinking A LOT. Thinking about my past, where I am at right now, and where I am and am NOT going from here. I realized that it has been almost 1 YEAR since I made my desperate move from Cali back to Utah. I knew that I needed to get here and make BIG changes, and I guess I have found myself feeling less than ecstatic about the results of my time here. 
I've been beating myself up a bit, saying that I have accomplished weight restoration, but not much else. I have been craving and working towards having independence in my life for a long time now, and just don't feel like I am that much closer....
The few people I have mentioned this to have tried to get me to see the importance of the changes that I am supposedly  "minimizing," without much success... until today.

Thank goodness I didn't have to work, so while I was cleaning up my room a bit, I pulled out the journal I was writing in last summer and read the entry from 1 year ago today, It wasn't until that moment that I really saw the difference. That girl was exhausted, terrified, sicker than heck, lonely... To say I was miserable almost seems too nice a sentiment. I haven't forgotten the way I felt living at home, but seeing it this way got the point across. 
Loud and clear
I was dying. Sure, physically I wasn't in my best place, but more that I was suffocating in a life I didn't want, killing off the personality that I had worked so hard to let free...
Thinking forward to where I am now... Sure, I am still exhausted, but for much different reasons. Exhaustion from full days at work, spending all night reading my latest page turner, and working on figuring out my life... I still spend moments with Mr. Lonely and Ms. Miserable, but nothing like before. And while I still am looking for something and somewhere to help me continue to grow, I'm pretty far from suffocating. 

I am learning. Learning that in order to achieve this "independence" I so desperately want, that I actually have to depend on other people... For their insight, concern, laughter... 
I still have so much that I want to keep changing and working on... and I tend to want results now, but I'm grateful for today... for 1 year ago today... to prove my own point...

I have changed. 
I am changing... 
I am healing...