Thursday, April 8, 2010

With a Squeeze

April 6th, 2010
Dear Daddy,
Today was Kendall's memorial. I have been both very excited and very scared for today. The plan was for Brie to read a letter she wrote to her baby girl and then to send off white balloons; pure, whole and angelic in her memory. I am so proud of her for taking that step to face her loss and turn it into something freeing and healing. To stand without her daughter on her due date; cry, smile, laugh and celebrate her baby girl before sending off a present to Kendall in Heaven more than amazes me.
She told me a while ago that I should write a letter to you, for it to also be part of my healing process. I thought a lot about it, tried to think what I would say, but I got to the point where I stopped. I know that I am not quite ready to let the string go yet
and that is okay...
I was nervous that I would get all emotional and look silly there at the park. Well, I did cry in public and I didn't get embarrased... miracle right???
When we went to let the balloons go, I just kept watching Brie. She was silently crying, smiled, gave her balloon one last little kiss and set it free. I held tighter to my string, almost desperately deciding to not let it go... when I imagined you and Kendall, sitting together, smiling and anxiously waiting for our simple gifts to travel all that way to you.
Even if not scientifically possible, I gathered all the good I have left inside me, "squeezed it" into the string for you both with my fist...
and opened.
I loved watching them all fly at different heights and speeds, some moving so quickly out of sight it was as if they were racing because they couldn't wait to get to you.
I know you'll know which one is mine Daddy... it had a few of my rare precious tears on it.
Spoil Kendall today Daddy. Hug her for me. Hug her for Brie and Brandon and Caden.
We have named April 6th "Kendall Day" and we plan on sending little white reminders and lots of smiles each time the date passes. I am beyond grateful that I got to do this today.
I think that I desperately needed to see that there can be good even after tragedy.
Both of your lives were short, taken from those who love you too soon.

I miss you so much.
I promise that I will never let you go forgotten. I see your loss and life all around me more and more each day.
I'm finishing this letter almost blind from tears and with a smile on my face because I can see Ken and Kendall dancing; free, happy and in a room full of white balloons.
I love you Kendall Penny and Kenneth Lawrence.
Happy Kendall Day Daddy!

You are good
I am your Teffie and
I love you.