Thursday, April 29, 2010

Milk Carton

I know that I have gone "Missing" for a while...
Hopefully my picture on the Milk Carton (preferably vanilla soy) reminded you what I looked like.

I don't know if I am actually coming back to the world of blogging fully yet. But, I know that this disappearing act isn't working..

Here is my Mini-update... Things are busy, especially in that marvelous brain of mine. Actually expressing and showing emotions is SO new to me, so I'm still trying to find the ground after a sesh with Timmy these past few weeks. Not that all tears are "bad," or that finding myself distrught is counterproductive...
I am fortunately and unfortunately realising that this is all this drated emotion schtuff is important to do. The small ounces of pain I am "allowing" to come out have rocked the bod physically, proving right all of those people who told me that being the stone cold rock was horrible for me physically.
It seems like a "duh" moment, but No-friggin-woonder-my-body-has-been-refusing-to-work-for-me...
"Duh Stephanie"
They are just sucking me dry.

I also am missing my family... all of them.
Weird! (Esp. to those who actually know me).
That's definately a new one. I am getting more and more excited to take my road trip at the start of June back to Cali to celebrate my JBubby's 5th Birthday with him.
He called to ask me personally to "please come home and squeeze me."
I won't miss it for the world.

This post is random and plotless. I'll jumble more stuff around and come up with something more readable soon.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


I watched the oh-so-hilarious movie 28 Days last night with my besties B and W... Man, I love that movie. I love all the "chanting" and humor that fortunately and unfortunately is life in treatment...
Just wanted to share a few of my favorite quotes.

Betty- "Tonight's Lecture... How many brain cells did I kill last night?"

"Make a wish"
Roshanda- "Custody of my kids.."
Gerhart-"My foreskin back. No one asked me before they took it... They just took it."
Oliver- "Way to share Gerhart... Way to share."

This one kills me.. LOVE LOVE it

Can I say one more time how much I LOVE this movie? Gerhart may be my #2 person of people I wish I had as a friend list... right after Tracy of course. The last quote always kills me. It makes me wonder how many tangents like that Timmy (or any T really) has heard over the course of her time at Le Mansion.
I wish that I could come up with something that brilliant and then be able to keep a straight face through the delivery of lines...
must.. learn... how..

Thursday, April 8, 2010

With a Squeeze

April 6th, 2010
Dear Daddy,
Today was Kendall's memorial. I have been both very excited and very scared for today. The plan was for Brie to read a letter she wrote to her baby girl and then to send off white balloons; pure, whole and angelic in her memory. I am so proud of her for taking that step to face her loss and turn it into something freeing and healing. To stand without her daughter on her due date; cry, smile, laugh and celebrate her baby girl before sending off a present to Kendall in Heaven more than amazes me.
She told me a while ago that I should write a letter to you, for it to also be part of my healing process. I thought a lot about it, tried to think what I would say, but I got to the point where I stopped. I know that I am not quite ready to let the string go yet
and that is okay...
I was nervous that I would get all emotional and look silly there at the park. Well, I did cry in public and I didn't get embarrased... miracle right???
When we went to let the balloons go, I just kept watching Brie. She was silently crying, smiled, gave her balloon one last little kiss and set it free. I held tighter to my string, almost desperately deciding to not let it go... when I imagined you and Kendall, sitting together, smiling and anxiously waiting for our simple gifts to travel all that way to you.
Even if not scientifically possible, I gathered all the good I have left inside me, "squeezed it" into the string for you both with my fist...
and opened.
I loved watching them all fly at different heights and speeds, some moving so quickly out of sight it was as if they were racing because they couldn't wait to get to you.
I know you'll know which one is mine Daddy... it had a few of my rare precious tears on it.
Spoil Kendall today Daddy. Hug her for me. Hug her for Brie and Brandon and Caden.
We have named April 6th "Kendall Day" and we plan on sending little white reminders and lots of smiles each time the date passes. I am beyond grateful that I got to do this today.
I think that I desperately needed to see that there can be good even after tragedy.
Both of your lives were short, taken from those who love you too soon.

I miss you so much.
I promise that I will never let you go forgotten. I see your loss and life all around me more and more each day.
I'm finishing this letter almost blind from tears and with a smile on my face because I can see Ken and Kendall dancing; free, happy and in a room full of white balloons.
I love you Kendall Penny and Kenneth Lawrence.
Happy Kendall Day Daddy!

You are good
I am your Teffie and
I love you.

My Lucky Penny

April 5th, 2010
Darling Kendall,
This is just a little note I've been wanting to write you.
Tomorrow we celebrate your day. A day we all thought would be spent together crying. We'd gather around you and your mommy to marvel that this new tiny life we'd been waiting for is finally here.
It has been so painful ro know that we all will miss out on that blessing.
There is so much to tell you Kendall, and I'm sure that more little notes from me are to come. So, today I just want to say Thank You.
It's overwhelming for me to see how much I have learned from you. More good has been done in your extremly short life than some people ever dream of accomplishing. It is heartbreaking to have you gone, but I truly believe that your sacrifice has shown your mommy that your love for each other would be enough to save her.
I thank you for bringing me my best friend. I'm sure we would have clicked either way; but I know that we were placed in each other's lives to help the other find hope.
I was lost Kendall; lost and looking for someone to cry with, someone to stumble through my grief next to; and through you we have both found a piece of our hearts that was taken.
I never got the privledge of meeting you beautiful girl;
but I know that you are forever part of my family.
You are dancing with my Daddy.
Thank you for being there so he'll never have to spend another day without a princess nearby.
I find peace in knowing that you both have company.
Even though we are not gathering tomorrow to meet you sweet Kendall, so many people who love and care for each other will still be gathering tomorrow and will still be crying. Crying tears of pain that we won't ever know whether you had blue eyes or curly hair along with tears of joy that even though we can't hug you, we still have the amazing woman that is your mother, to hug and have with is as a blessing.
You have shown your mommy that she is strong, that she is loved and that her life will better the lives of countless others. She had forgotten that.
Thank you sweetheart for reminding her.
Tomorrow will forever be your day.
None of us will meet you in this life, but I promise that we won't ever forget you.
It is impossible to lose an Angel.
Thank You Kendall Penny
Watch out for us
You're in my heart.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Happy Kendall Day

I will write more later about my experience today.
All I can say is that it was absolutely amazing.
I will post my letter to Kendall as well tomorrow, and perhaps (if we're lucky) will also post the letter I wrote tonight to my Daddy.
but I just want to say thank you to both Brie and Kendall. I love both of you so much. Not that I would have missed it,
I am so glad that I was able to be there today to see how beautiful the sky was
(because I was cursing it earlier today for snowing on me)..
How beautiful that it looked with the balloon dance.
I miss you Kendall. I miss you Daddy.
I hope you liked our presents.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Brown Truck, Brown Box, Big Smiles...

I waited anxiously all morning for the man in shorts to grace my doorstep and now I am here, writing on my couch from my new beatiful little netbook.
The jury is still out on what in the world I shall name my lovely yellow wonder; any suggestions?

I found this little home for my new baby to live in . I am very excited for it to get here. My cute little netbook family is growing even more complete.
Momma's happy!
Hopefully the snow that has decided to come visit us these last 24 hours was the sky's idea of an April Fool's prank, so if that can be over by tomorrow, that would be greatly appreciated!
Netbook case found at Beeyourselfdesigns...