Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Cracked

Daddy,

I have been meaning to write you for a while.
This is long overdue; but we both know that I do things on my own time clock.
I watched this movie today that had this cute, quirky family in it. The whole time I was thinking about you. The dad helped his son build a tricked out boxcar to race. I remembered building the pinewood derby track and time machine with you; spending time as your little helper.

I miss you

Its been a while since you left. This life was so painful and unfair to you. I'm relieved that you are somewhere you can rest happy and be taken care of.
The holidays weren't the same without you. Seeing lights on the new house looked strange; they don't look as magic as they did when we did them.
I couldn't bring myself to call Grandma for Christmas. I really am sorry if that hurts you. One day I hope can forgive her. I know that the truth will always be missing, but I don't know how to move on from the possibility that she let you leave us. I wish I could understand. You seemed to be feeling better. When we talked on my birthday, you were so excited to start school again.
Did you know you only had 2 days left?
I know that you wouldn't want me spending my time sad that you're not here. Please know that my not crying doesn't mean I don't love you.

I'm completely broken by the fact that we'll never be a whole family again.
There's so much that we missed out on and that I am sorry for.
I love you and think of you often.

I still need you Daddy
I need your help to remember to keep trying to forgive,
to find love for Grandma again,
to find trust and safety in others.
Instead of having the nightly terror of watching you suffer alone that morning,
help me to dream of us dancing together; me on your toes.
You're my daddy
I'm your Teffie
Forever and always.