Sunday, January 24, 2010

Crossed

"Quit therapy...Take a short break...Find a new team...Quit therapy...It will all be okay...I can do it better this time.."

All the lovely things that run around in that mad house of a brain that I've got.
But I'll fight 'em.

Tomorrow I swallow my pride. Tomorrow I make the call so that I can hopefully return to the help that I can actually utilize.
I thought I was brave enough, strong enough, tough enough to prove that I could handle the blow I received from Le Mansion.... But, like it always does, this Superhuman Stephanie gets kicked in the tush.

Therapy with Timmy back in the mix?
Crossing my fingers...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Cracked

Daddy,

I have been meaning to write you for a while.
This is long overdue; but we both know that I do things on my own time clock.
I watched this movie today that had this cute, quirky family in it. The whole time I was thinking about you. The dad helped his son build a tricked out boxcar to race. I remembered building the pinewood derby track and time machine with you; spending time as your little helper.

I miss you

Its been a while since you left. This life was so painful and unfair to you. I'm relieved that you are somewhere you can rest happy and be taken care of.
The holidays weren't the same without you. Seeing lights on the new house looked strange; they don't look as magic as they did when we did them.
I couldn't bring myself to call Grandma for Christmas. I really am sorry if that hurts you. One day I hope can forgive her. I know that the truth will always be missing, but I don't know how to move on from the possibility that she let you leave us. I wish I could understand. You seemed to be feeling better. When we talked on my birthday, you were so excited to start school again.
Did you know you only had 2 days left?
I know that you wouldn't want me spending my time sad that you're not here. Please know that my not crying doesn't mean I don't love you.

I'm completely broken by the fact that we'll never be a whole family again.
There's so much that we missed out on and that I am sorry for.
I love you and think of you often.

I still need you Daddy
I need your help to remember to keep trying to forgive,
to find love for Grandma again,
to find trust and safety in others.
Instead of having the nightly terror of watching you suffer alone that morning,
help me to dream of us dancing together; me on your toes.
You're my daddy
I'm your Teffie
Forever and always.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Regular ol' Tuesdays

Today... the world seems to be rotating in the right direction.
This morning, CB and I did damage control from the horribleness that was Thursday group.
I'm no longer ready to ring her neck before storming from her office swearing and quitting.
And she has stopped calling me an Inpatient Teenager (Guess how happy that one made me?)
She did mention (with a smile), that she wished that she could shake me by the shoulders to get me to feel/trust her/and just let go...
She has coined this new medical problem, Shaken Stephanie Syndrome
Lena came back today for my first appt with her in weeks; and while we set a bunch of new goals, it actually went really well. One said goal is to write down at least one thing that is overwhelming to me that day in recovery and one success I had.
Apparently "recovery is stressful, very hard and is supposed to be overwhelming AND is also possible. Having you come in every week to tell me how well everything is going is nice and all, but it's not realistic nor helpful to you in the long run"
hmm.. never heard that one before. :)
The hope for this assignment is that I can get better at telling others when things are hard for me, instead of having people try to guess or letting my body/behaviors communicate for me.

So, here goes nothing...
Daily Overwhelmer: Having Lena back is good, but my Meal Plan goals for this week are back to being hardcore... which makes me anxious as to whether I can keep them all...
and if I can't/choose not too, I'm scared as to what consequences await me next time...
Va Va Victory: I was completely honest about all the things that I am trying to sqeak by with my Meal Plan in my sesh with Lena. I owned my retardation during her absense which lead to above hardcore goals...

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Like a tongue stuck to a frozen pole

Oh let us see...
Here are a few of the many Care Bear Words of Wisdom for the Day...
(are you sensing the sarcasm already)

"you have ZERO commitment... It makes sense why you have no emotions and how you are slower to change. You have to be committed to something.
Hell, even commit to your eating disorder. I don't recommend it, but you need to pick something."

Sounds like a double dare...

.... don't dare me CB ....

Overreacting

I find it more than a tad embarrassing to have a friend stay over with me and find myself waking up in the middle of the night... SOAKED due to my "non-important" nightmares.

At least my washing machine gets to keep its job...


Sunday, January 3, 2010

New Coping Skill

All I have to do when having a hard time...

.... is take a little drive with my friend... Tracy...

(I'm already giggling for you to watch this!)

Friday, January 1, 2010

Reso-wha?

2010

What does it mean when I absolutely don't want to make goals??