Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Books Read in 2010

Here is the Official List of Books that I devoured in the Last Year
There are 22 in all.. I was 3 off from my goal of 25...
No mental bashing Stephanie.. Close is close

-A Grief Observed- C.S. Lewis
-My Stroke of Insight- Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor
-The Gift of Therapy- Irvin D. Yalom
-Beautiful Boy- David Sheff
-Biting Anorexia- Lucy Howard
-Beatrice and Virgil- Yann Martel
-The Courage to Grieve- Judy Tatelbaum
-She's Come Undone- Wally Lamb
-We have Always Lived in the Castle- Shirley Jackson
-Fablehaven #1- Brandon Mull
-Fablehaven #2- Brandon Mull
-The Weight of Silence- Heather Gudenkauf
-The Big Over Easy- Jasper Fforde
-The Memory Keeper's Daughter- Kim Edwards
-Fabelhaven #3- Brandon Mull
-Fabelhaven #4- Brandon Mull
-Fabelhaven #5- Brandon Mull
-Frankenstein- Mery Shelley
-Shades of Grey- Jasper Fforde
-Some Secrets Hurt- Linda Kay Gardner
-Choke- Chuck Palahunik
-The Shack- W.M. Paul Young

My Top 5 from the year.....
Beautiful Boy, We Have Always Lived in the Castle, Weight of Silence, Choke..
and my Fave... She's Come Undone- Wally Lamb is BRILLIANT....
Thanks for the pages of comfort and tears and laughter and wisdom 2010.... 2011.. Bring it!!!

Monday, December 27, 2010

Today

Today.. I am free.
Today I shall drive down the icy freeways of Utah and find myself extrememly entertained via people watching at the SLC airport.
Today I shall write in my journal and call friends that I've missed and
definately chew some gum while sipping on some Diet Coke.

Today I head home to Cali.





Today I get to redeem all my missed sqeezes and smooches.

I am SO very excited.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

More of My Fam-Damily

I firstly need to apologize for my obvious disregard of etiquette.... Miss Emily Post would not be happy.... I have on my sidebar the list and nicknames of all the important people in my life and family members..... I realized today that I have woefully neglected a big piece of them... 
Readers... meet 
My Cardigan Family
Oh so lovely 
EEK! Its not hard to see that I give them more than adequate room to grow and socialize and love each other. When I brought home my first BP cardigan I had no idea, not even close how much love I can have for an article of clothing.. Enough to buy 16 different colors that now makes up this family...

Confession Time: You can scream and yell and call me prejudice and a horrendous mother  
because I do... in fact, play a smidgen 
of favoritism with my babies.
My newest love is Butterscotch (#4 from left)
Frenzy (#5) Odyssey (#8), Oatmeal (2nd to last)

Aren't they BEAUTIFUL???
I'll continue to add to my family, but I thought it was long past due that you met "the rest" of my fam! 

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Thank You Gansta Steve

So... Back sooner than I expected... Good sign I hope.? (fingers crossed)

I am here today to tribute my beloved first car "Lacky," who tragically lost her life on Friday in a head on battle with a power line pole. My little brother Marco was surprising left relatively unscathed. However both the car and the pole were not quite so lucky.... The pole was leaning over and apparently knocked out power to 3+ blocks of neighborhood while it was being realigned....

Lil' Bro was helped out of the car by a Good Samaritan who pulled over (whom I have now lovingly nicknamed "Gansta Steve"), as there was fluid leaking from the truck and was catching fire underneath.
Momma Steph over here, was more than a tad freaked when I got the news... But, I of course pulled out my best and most fave Coping Skill, HUMOR to get me through it...
Leaving the ER,
GF, Sarah in toe
I had Marco laughing constantly as he was retelling his story. (ie. "gansta Steve, and making sure that he was properly waxed and juiced up for the day in order to look his finest for Frau Fireman)... He also had the entire hospital staff loving him and relishing in the makeshift shirt/poncho they made him, by cutting a hole in the crotch of a pair of 3XL scrub pants...

I just keep thinking and saying over and over how glad I am that he walked away from this... is home, enjoying a painkiller induced nappy time... The whole family is so grateful for our "Miracle Marco"

Friday, September 3, 2010

Cycle

I feel like, every several weeks, I feel "the urge" to get my hesitant, anxiety ridden bum, back on the computer and try yelling to myself,
"STEPHANIE, JUST BLOG ALREADY!!!!"
I proceed to then type some small form of update for anyone, if anyone, who still reads and then... several weeks later the cycle starts over again...
So.. Here We Are... Start of Cycle...

Things for me have been... well.. lots of things...

Work is good... I have cut out another shift per week; which cuts down my money-makin hours, but greatly increases my ability to stay sane and smile at the intolerant woman who has just asked for her 7th (NO LIE) refill of her Diet Roy Rogers...

Me and my Love Bug Jack
Boo and I
I just came home from another amazing home visit. Spent 5 days in CA with the fam to celebrate Marco's 19th birthday & just chillax away from  this fine state of Utah. I was feeling oh-so-ready for a little Time Out, and it was exactly what I needed.... I head back the 2nd week in October to see lil' Miss Diva Mela turn 4 and we are ALREADY counting down the days over the phone...

I miss her smile and laugh ALREADY!

Life in therapy, A.K.A. Timmy and Teffie Land are quite up in the air.... We are doing levels of work that I never thought could be as possible or as painful as they are. To say that I am taking risks, might be the understatement of my lifetime... This does however, make all those hours that I spent outside of my "Sanity Hour" unbelievably hard and at times, seemingly unbearable. I have never been one to lean on ANYONE for ANYTHING; so I currently have found myself, for the first time to feel "needy;" I word I never wanted to live in my universe. Through this process, my T has been nothing short of amazing, validating, patient.
I know without a doubt that I would never have been able to do what I have done with anyone else.
In the last few weeks we have been talking a lot about our dynamic and how it is changing, where it is working, where it is lacking, etc.. etc... and after the world's longest sob fest sesh on Thurs, I finally left Timmy's office with a HUGE QUESTION....

Is working together still in my/our best interest???

At any other time in my life, this question would have been "the end of the world," the biggest drama, worst-case-scenario level of catastrophe. If you were to try and tell me that Timmy and Teffie aren't the "best team EVER," I probably wouldn't just laugh in your face, I'd throw some freshly made, secret recipe, Cheesecake Factory whip cream at you too..
But, shockingly... I am not feeling as "Apocalypse Now!" as I thought I would. If the decision is to have me switch T's and see someone new... yes... I will be sad... devastated and have to spend some time working through that transition... AND... I will be extremely relieved that we aren't ending with one of us "firing" the other, angry, resentful, confused and without closure. It will happen because, I am trying, for maybe the first time ever, to TRULY decide how I actually am going to heal (for GOOD), what I need to in order to get there, and how I'm actually going to get those things taken care of.

This may not make sense to any of you.... But, somewhere inside, it makes sense to me... and I'm sure if I can push past this Lame Update Cycle I've been in, more goodies are forthcoming....

So, hello again blogging world....

Monday, July 5, 2010

Still afraid of Fireworks




Dear America,
Just a little note to say Happy Independence Day!!!
Love, Me!

I am unfortunately not the best person when it comes to celebrating this holiday... I blame it on the scar I wear on my stomach from the bottle rocket disaster from several years ago. But, I really don't have beef with the Fourth. 

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been thinking A LOT. Thinking about my past, where I am at right now, and where I am and am NOT going from here. I realized that it has been almost 1 YEAR since I made my desperate move from Cali back to Utah. I knew that I needed to get here and make BIG changes, and I guess I have found myself feeling less than ecstatic about the results of my time here. 
I've been beating myself up a bit, saying that I have accomplished weight restoration, but not much else. I have been craving and working towards having independence in my life for a long time now, and just don't feel like I am that much closer....
The few people I have mentioned this to have tried to get me to see the importance of the changes that I am supposedly  "minimizing," without much success... until today.

Thank goodness I didn't have to work, so while I was cleaning up my room a bit, I pulled out the journal I was writing in last summer and read the entry from 1 year ago today, It wasn't until that moment that I really saw the difference. That girl was exhausted, terrified, sicker than heck, lonely... To say I was miserable almost seems too nice a sentiment. I haven't forgotten the way I felt living at home, but seeing it this way got the point across. 
Loud and clear
I was dying. Sure, physically I wasn't in my best place, but more that I was suffocating in a life I didn't want, killing off the personality that I had worked so hard to let free...
Thinking forward to where I am now... Sure, I am still exhausted, but for much different reasons. Exhaustion from full days at work, spending all night reading my latest page turner, and working on figuring out my life... I still spend moments with Mr. Lonely and Ms. Miserable, but nothing like before. And while I still am looking for something and somewhere to help me continue to grow, I'm pretty far from suffocating. 

I am learning. Learning that in order to achieve this "independence" I so desperately want, that I actually have to depend on other people... For their insight, concern, laughter... 
I still have so much that I want to keep changing and working on... and I tend to want results now, but I'm grateful for today... for 1 year ago today... to prove my own point...

I have changed. 
I am changing... 
I am healing...


Thursday, July 1, 2010

Ok... Just one more.. For now!

So, of course.. As last night was Wednesday.. I spent 2 fab hours watching So You Think You Can Dance. The show ended with THIS PIECE OF BRILLIANCE!!! Thank you for the gift of DVR so I could watch it over and over... So flipping cool. A professional ballet dancer killin' it with hip hop! I just love how Nappy Tabs react at the end...
Well, You Tube has taken embedding rights away, so I can't post it here anymore, but it is still there to watch; under "Alex and Twitch Hip Hop.." Its worth it!
I promise my next post will be about me and not a dance show... I just love them!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Mia Magic!

Well.. Hello, friends.. I have been missing from the "world of blogging" for quite some time now. I have been wanting to get myself back here, but every time that I try to start one, I feel rusty and almost something like stage fright...
So, I'll start out small, by tributing my favorite show for the summer... So You Think You Can Dance! The show never fails to give me chills, makes me want to sign up for a beginner's dance class with a bunch of talented 3 year olds and keeps me up dancing around my bedroom critiquing my "lines" or my "buck-ness"

This is STILL my fave of ALL time.. Choreographed, of course, by the amazing Mia Michaels... Daddy Daughter Dance.




There is my small attempt to get the blog-train a going.
Success? Epic Fail?

Monday, May 24, 2010

Serving Snow

So, no work this morning...

Why, do you ask?
Because you unfortunately can't serve on the Patio when the evil clouds of doom decide to drop SNOW on your tables.
Holy Grrrrrr of anger

Upside for today. I got to see these pictures of the sibs, that I am dying to drive home to see in only 12 days..

This little sweetpea is enjoying her first pedicure with her momma this weekend in preparation to celebrate with.... This fine little stud who GRADUATED from Preschool yesterday! I am so proud of him. For all his smarts and art projects that got him through school... and also proud of how amazingly handsome an almost 5 year old can look in a cap and gown...

I wish I could have been there... soon.. very soon, I shall be getting my J-Bubby squeeze!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Milk Carton

I know that I have gone "Missing" for a while...
Hopefully my picture on the Milk Carton (preferably vanilla soy) reminded you what I looked like.

I don't know if I am actually coming back to the world of blogging fully yet. But, I know that this disappearing act isn't working..

Here is my Mini-update... Things are busy, especially in that marvelous brain of mine. Actually expressing and showing emotions is SO new to me, so I'm still trying to find the ground after a sesh with Timmy these past few weeks. Not that all tears are "bad," or that finding myself distrught is counterproductive...
I am fortunately and unfortunately realising that this is all this drated emotion schtuff is important to do. The small ounces of pain I am "allowing" to come out have rocked the bod physically, proving right all of those people who told me that being the stone cold rock was horrible for me physically.
It seems like a "duh" moment, but No-friggin-woonder-my-body-has-been-refusing-to-work-for-me...
"Duh Stephanie"
They are just sucking me dry.

I also am missing my family... all of them.
Weird! (Esp. to those who actually know me).
That's definately a new one. I am getting more and more excited to take my road trip at the start of June back to Cali to celebrate my JBubby's 5th Birthday with him.
He called to ask me personally to "please come home and squeeze me."
I won't miss it for the world.

This post is random and plotless. I'll jumble more stuff around and come up with something more readable soon.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Sleepovers

I watched the oh-so-hilarious movie 28 Days last night with my besties B and W... Man, I love that movie. I love all the "chanting" and humor that fortunately and unfortunately is life in treatment...
Just wanted to share a few of my favorite quotes.

Betty- "Tonight's Lecture... How many brain cells did I kill last night?"

"Make a wish"
Roshanda- "Custody of my kids.."
Gerhart-"My foreskin back. No one asked me before they took it... They just took it."
Oliver- "Way to share Gerhart... Way to share."

This one kills me.. LOVE LOVE it


Can I say one more time how much I LOVE this movie? Gerhart may be my #2 person of people I wish I had as a friend list... right after Tracy of course. The last quote always kills me. It makes me wonder how many tangents like that Timmy (or any T really) has heard over the course of her time at Le Mansion.
I wish that I could come up with something that brilliant and then be able to keep a straight face through the delivery of lines...
must.. learn... how..

Thursday, April 8, 2010

With a Squeeze

April 6th, 2010
Dear Daddy,
Today was Kendall's memorial. I have been both very excited and very scared for today. The plan was for Brie to read a letter she wrote to her baby girl and then to send off white balloons; pure, whole and angelic in her memory. I am so proud of her for taking that step to face her loss and turn it into something freeing and healing. To stand without her daughter on her due date; cry, smile, laugh and celebrate her baby girl before sending off a present to Kendall in Heaven more than amazes me.
She told me a while ago that I should write a letter to you, for it to also be part of my healing process. I thought a lot about it, tried to think what I would say, but I got to the point where I stopped. I know that I am not quite ready to let the string go yet
and that is okay...
I was nervous that I would get all emotional and look silly there at the park. Well, I did cry in public and I didn't get embarrased... miracle right???
When we went to let the balloons go, I just kept watching Brie. She was silently crying, smiled, gave her balloon one last little kiss and set it free. I held tighter to my string, almost desperately deciding to not let it go... when I imagined you and Kendall, sitting together, smiling and anxiously waiting for our simple gifts to travel all that way to you.
Even if not scientifically possible, I gathered all the good I have left inside me, "squeezed it" into the string for you both with my fist...
and opened.
I loved watching them all fly at different heights and speeds, some moving so quickly out of sight it was as if they were racing because they couldn't wait to get to you.
I know you'll know which one is mine Daddy... it had a few of my rare precious tears on it.
Spoil Kendall today Daddy. Hug her for me. Hug her for Brie and Brandon and Caden.
We have named April 6th "Kendall Day" and we plan on sending little white reminders and lots of smiles each time the date passes. I am beyond grateful that I got to do this today.
I think that I desperately needed to see that there can be good even after tragedy.
Both of your lives were short, taken from those who love you too soon.

I miss you so much.
I promise that I will never let you go forgotten. I see your loss and life all around me more and more each day.
I'm finishing this letter almost blind from tears and with a smile on my face because I can see Ken and Kendall dancing; free, happy and in a room full of white balloons.
I love you Kendall Penny and Kenneth Lawrence.
Happy Kendall Day Daddy!

You are good
I am your Teffie and
I love you.

My Lucky Penny

April 5th, 2010
Darling Kendall,
This is just a little note I've been wanting to write you.
Tomorrow we celebrate your day. A day we all thought would be spent together crying. We'd gather around you and your mommy to marvel that this new tiny life we'd been waiting for is finally here.
It has been so painful ro know that we all will miss out on that blessing.
There is so much to tell you Kendall, and I'm sure that more little notes from me are to come. So, today I just want to say Thank You.
It's overwhelming for me to see how much I have learned from you. More good has been done in your extremly short life than some people ever dream of accomplishing. It is heartbreaking to have you gone, but I truly believe that your sacrifice has shown your mommy that your love for each other would be enough to save her.
I thank you for bringing me my best friend. I'm sure we would have clicked either way; but I know that we were placed in each other's lives to help the other find hope.
I was lost Kendall; lost and looking for someone to cry with, someone to stumble through my grief next to; and through you we have both found a piece of our hearts that was taken.
I never got the privledge of meeting you beautiful girl;
but I know that you are forever part of my family.
You are dancing with my Daddy.
Thank you for being there so he'll never have to spend another day without a princess nearby.
I find peace in knowing that you both have company.
Even though we are not gathering tomorrow to meet you sweet Kendall, so many people who love and care for each other will still be gathering tomorrow and will still be crying. Crying tears of pain that we won't ever know whether you had blue eyes or curly hair along with tears of joy that even though we can't hug you, we still have the amazing woman that is your mother, to hug and have with is as a blessing.
You have shown your mommy that she is strong, that she is loved and that her life will better the lives of countless others. She had forgotten that.
Thank you sweetheart for reminding her.
Tomorrow will forever be your day.
None of us will meet you in this life, but I promise that we won't ever forget you.
It is impossible to lose an Angel.
Thank You Kendall Penny
Watch out for us
You're in my heart.
Forever.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Happy Kendall Day

I will write more later about my experience today.
All I can say is that it was absolutely amazing.
I will post my letter to Kendall as well tomorrow, and perhaps (if we're lucky) will also post the letter I wrote tonight to my Daddy.
but I just want to say thank you to both Brie and Kendall. I love both of you so much. Not that I would have missed it,
I am so glad that I was able to be there today to see how beautiful the sky was
(because I was cursing it earlier today for snowing on me)..
How beautiful that it looked with the balloon dance.
I miss you Kendall. I miss you Daddy.
I hope you liked our presents.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Brown Truck, Brown Box, Big Smiles...

I waited anxiously all morning for the man in shorts to grace my doorstep and now I am here, writing on my couch from my new beatiful little netbook.
The jury is still out on what in the world I shall name my lovely yellow wonder; any suggestions?

I found this little home for my new baby to live in . I am very excited for it to get here. My cute little netbook family is growing even more complete.
Momma's happy!
Hopefully the snow that has decided to come visit us these last 24 hours was the sky's idea of an April Fool's prank, so if that can be over by tomorrow, that would be greatly appreciated!
Netbook case found at Beeyourselfdesigns...

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Flight


Next Tuesday, April 6th, my bestie Brie is going to have a gathering of friends and loved ones in order to honor the life and loss of her baby girl Kendall. We are going to release white balloons; pure, whole, angelic in her memory. It is amazing to see how many people are there to rally around her, letting her know how much we all love her and Kendall.
I am so proud of her for taking that step to face the pain of her loss and turn it into something freeing and healing. For those of you who have walked my journey with me over the last year and a half, you know that I have struggled to find a way to tribute and memorialize my daddy. I have spent more time trying to accept and deal with the injustice and cruelty surrounding his death that I have neglected to celebrate his life. I hope one day to be able to have my own "official goodbye," but I am feeling so grateful that I get to take a small step in that direction by holding the hand of a friend I have pretty much adopted as a sister while she bears her pain, takes a deep breath and lets the string fly.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

New Momma

She's Mine!!!

Well... not until some indeterminate time on Thursday.
Some nice person is going to put her in a box, then in a vehicle of transportation (car, truck, train, plane), make its fine way to Utah...
Then she will meet my very very sweet mailman, short shorts and all and
find her way home.
Here... With me.. Where we shall share stories and pictures and lullabies.......

I cannot wait to meet her...
But I won't put mangos on her.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Restaurant Rules


I just thought that today would be the PERFECT day to give you some insider tips.. (that is sooo sweet of me right?)...
It was while I was working the Front Desk tonight that I realized that people don't really know the rules of how to behave when going to a popular restaurant on a Saturday night.
So, I'm feeling up to sharing.
By the way, all of these have made this list because of some guest I encountered tonight who unfortunately didn't know these secrets.... Don't fall to the same tragedy.


1. As we don't EVER take reservations, don't bring 28 people for your party and then expect to sit together in the next 45 minutes. Would you be able to do that ANYWHERE???
2. When you see the little peeps in white sprinting back and forth between the building and CurbsideToGo parking spots, don't call inside the restaurant swearing because you don't have your food yet, wondering "where in the world it could possibly be." Our employees are NOT Olympic sprinters, and YOU CHOSE not to get out of your car to come inside to pick it up.
3. The Cheesecake Factory is, in fact, a restaurant... NOT a bar.. So while we highly encourage embarrassingly noisy Happy Birthday songs, we do not need 4 minutes of "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow", "Hip-Hip-Hurray's" and other pub renditions sung by 20+ drunken friends. (party size is unfortunately no exaggeration)
4. Bringing 14 of your girlfriends to a bridal shower dinner is a GREAT idea. However, waiting almost 3 hours to sit down to then just order WATER... is more than a tad weird. "Dinner" did seem to be the key word... but...
Apparently you need to be adequately hydrated to open gifts... So confusing.
5. If we make accommodations for your party in order to get you seated faster (even if that means sitting in back to back booths or adding a chair at the end of a table) please bow and give endless praise to your Front Deskers. They probably just saved your hungry ass over an hour. Name-calling is slightly ungrateful.
6. Hovering over families sitting at our Bar High Tops, anxiously waiting for them to get up so you can sit next, is to be expected. Standing so close that you can basically smell the man's sweaty cologne and asking how every bite of his dessert is will probably make them eat slower... Thereby extending the time before you can sit.
7. We are the only Cheesecake in the state and one of the only restaurants that stays open late on weekends, so please don't be surprised that we still have a wait at 10:15pm. Everyone needs food. So, please put your angry eyes away, pick your jaw up off the floor, grab the pager we give you and enjoy your company in our lobby for a few minutes before the feasting begins.

Most likely there were more unfortunate offenders; but my tired little brain is having a hard time remembering the hilarity you brought to my life today.
Consider yourself saved.

Friday, March 26, 2010

741.69 Miles Apart

Last night I went to bed happy, curled up warm with a great book after a decent day,
and a juicy episode of Sober House with Dr. Drew! Love
I remember thinking that "THIS is the best way to end a Thursday"...
until I saw this.
This morning I woke up to the sun (that soon turned into DUMPING snow) and my smiled while sipping my amazing coffee on my way to work.
I was more than pretty pleased with the way it was looking.
I worked a double today and got home and saw what I actually missed this morning.

This precious Sleeping Princess
and this handsome Snoozing Prince

Who both greatly needed their Royal Sleep as they got to play on their new swing set today.

All in all, today was a pretty good day,
but I got to have an unexpected glimpse of even more joy that I am missing out on.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Holy Osmond

After the death of Michael Bryan, the Hollywood world has been watching his mom Marie Osmond; wondering and admiring her strength, her courage to continue on with her daily life and job. I can't imagine the pain that she has been going through, but I can't help but marvel at her ability to trust in the Gospel and the Lord's ability to take care of His children.
This was an article written by People Magazine. I am so glad that Marie and her family have been able to find love and gratitude in the middle of their loss. I still struggle to find that same gratitude, even after all this time. It strangely gives me motivation and hope that I can find my own definition of peace and closure.

Oh and the Hymn they sang, is one of my favorites... even when taken out of context of a funeral.

Marie Osmond Joins in Solemn Final Hymn for Her Son
By Elizabeth Leonard
Monday March 08, 2010
Marie Osmond Joins in Solemn Final Hymn for Her Son | Marie Osmond

MIchael Bryan's funeral

INF


Marie Osmond had not planned to speak at her son Michael Bryan's funeral.

But as the service drew near an end Monday afternoon, she stood and addressed hundreds of mourners at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Chapel in Provo, Utah, who included her show business brothers, seven surviving children, and one unexpected invited guest: the biological mother of Michael, who was adopted.

"I'd just like to say thank you to everybody," she said. "As you see I have amazing support from great men, my family, my brothers. God was very wise when he put me into a family with honorable men because they have served as examples for my children."

And so, Osmond, 50, said she wanted to use this occasion of horrible grief to "honor my children."

"I'm so proud of each and every one of you," she said. "I'm proud of my son and I honor his birthmother who's here today, who gave me the greatest gift. Thank you for those beautiful 18 years."

Marie then joined all of her brothers in singing the closing hymn, "God Be with You Till We Meet Again."

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Tracy's Twin

I found her...


I am NO racist, but I do greatly appreciate watching these videos of hilarity. I first fell in love with Tracy (New Coping Skill post), but finding this video made my day. I honestly doubt that me as a ghetto whitey could get the same reaction as this girl.
jealous.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

From the Point of the Mountain

Dear Coffee,

I love you.
You make my mornings shine brighter.
My grouchy face disappears in your presence.
With you in my life; I laugh louder, skip higher, sing sweeter and smile my life away.
Thank you for all you do.
You bring great joy to my life.
I'll see you again tomorrow morning.
Forever Yours,

Me

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Caught Me

I saw this today on this week's Post Secret,

and the only thing my oh-so-intellectual brain could think was "wow... wow..."
I don't often go all preachy-spiritual, but looking at it again now, I can't help but say that there is NO way that Heavenly Father didn't have a hand in crossing these two strangers in order to bring them comfort and relief.

I guess it blew me away because I have had this "oh-my-gosh-you-too?" feeling before.
I also can give the name of more than one person that I know without a doubt that I was supposed to meet and connect at that exact time so we could share that leg of our "life race" on the same team. And I cannot give enough gratitude in the world for them. Not surprising that most of those people are the few on the planet I let read these private blog posts of mine.
So maybe this is a shoutout to you all.

Perhaps its because of where I am in my life, and I'm not making any one person more important... but I want my dearest "D-twin" to know and hear that I know this to be true of us. I cannot fathom a way for me to ever open up about my sadness, madness and all that lies in the middle when it comes to grief, had I not connected with you. We were meant to fight on the same team of the race at the same time.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Cha Cha Cha

Most of the time I spend my time running around convinced that
yes, I have an eating disorder
yes, it has had major consequences on my life but
no, I am not a fragile weakling as a result and CAN still be normal.

Thats most of the time..

Tonight,
I am reminded that
yes, I have an eating disorder
yes, I am working my tush tush off in recovery but
no, I can not run around a dance room for extended periods of time and expect to do it like a nutritionally healthy and stable human being...

Point being,
Zumba is fun and hard and has taught me that my body DOES INDEED have limits.

Class Dismissed

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

And then... You're done.


Im in shock..
Completely.

I went into therapy today knowing that I was working on "other options" in regards to my team.
I went into therapy knowing that I was going to wait until I got the okay before I switched.
I went into therapy calm.
I walked out of therapy in tears.
Care Bear and I are a team no longer.
Its over.
WAY sooner than I thought.
I don't regret my decision...
But Im sad.

Even though things were rough between Care Bear and I; Im definitely going to miss her.


I also just realized that 2 years ago yesterday, I gave my life a chance and admitted to Le Mansion. I can only hope that this "firing" of teams almost exactly 2 years later is not slapping that chance in the face.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Crossed

"Quit therapy...Take a short break...Find a new team...Quit therapy...It will all be okay...I can do it better this time.."

All the lovely things that run around in that mad house of a brain that I've got.
But I'll fight 'em.

Tomorrow I swallow my pride. Tomorrow I make the call so that I can hopefully return to the help that I can actually utilize.
I thought I was brave enough, strong enough, tough enough to prove that I could handle the blow I received from Le Mansion.... But, like it always does, this Superhuman Stephanie gets kicked in the tush.

Therapy with Timmy back in the mix?
Crossing my fingers...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Cracked

Daddy,

I have been meaning to write you for a while.
This is long overdue; but we both know that I do things on my own time clock.
I watched this movie today that had this cute, quirky family in it. The whole time I was thinking about you. The dad helped his son build a tricked out boxcar to race. I remembered building the pinewood derby track and time machine with you; spending time as your little helper.

I miss you

Its been a while since you left. This life was so painful and unfair to you. I'm relieved that you are somewhere you can rest happy and be taken care of.
The holidays weren't the same without you. Seeing lights on the new house looked strange; they don't look as magic as they did when we did them.
I couldn't bring myself to call Grandma for Christmas. I really am sorry if that hurts you. One day I hope can forgive her. I know that the truth will always be missing, but I don't know how to move on from the possibility that she let you leave us. I wish I could understand. You seemed to be feeling better. When we talked on my birthday, you were so excited to start school again.
Did you know you only had 2 days left?
I know that you wouldn't want me spending my time sad that you're not here. Please know that my not crying doesn't mean I don't love you.

I'm completely broken by the fact that we'll never be a whole family again.
There's so much that we missed out on and that I am sorry for.
I love you and think of you often.

I still need you Daddy
I need your help to remember to keep trying to forgive,
to find love for Grandma again,
to find trust and safety in others.
Instead of having the nightly terror of watching you suffer alone that morning,
help me to dream of us dancing together; me on your toes.
You're my daddy
I'm your Teffie
Forever and always.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Regular ol' Tuesdays

Today... the world seems to be rotating in the right direction.
This morning, CB and I did damage control from the horribleness that was Thursday group.
I'm no longer ready to ring her neck before storming from her office swearing and quitting.
And she has stopped calling me an Inpatient Teenager (Guess how happy that one made me?)
She did mention (with a smile), that she wished that she could shake me by the shoulders to get me to feel/trust her/and just let go...
She has coined this new medical problem, Shaken Stephanie Syndrome
Lena came back today for my first appt with her in weeks; and while we set a bunch of new goals, it actually went really well. One said goal is to write down at least one thing that is overwhelming to me that day in recovery and one success I had.
Apparently "recovery is stressful, very hard and is supposed to be overwhelming AND is also possible. Having you come in every week to tell me how well everything is going is nice and all, but it's not realistic nor helpful to you in the long run"
hmm.. never heard that one before. :)
The hope for this assignment is that I can get better at telling others when things are hard for me, instead of having people try to guess or letting my body/behaviors communicate for me.

So, here goes nothing...
Daily Overwhelmer: Having Lena back is good, but my Meal Plan goals for this week are back to being hardcore... which makes me anxious as to whether I can keep them all...
and if I can't/choose not too, I'm scared as to what consequences await me next time...
Va Va Victory: I was completely honest about all the things that I am trying to sqeak by with my Meal Plan in my sesh with Lena. I owned my retardation during her absense which lead to above hardcore goals...

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Like a tongue stuck to a frozen pole

Oh let us see...
Here are a few of the many Care Bear Words of Wisdom for the Day...
(are you sensing the sarcasm already)

"you have ZERO commitment... It makes sense why you have no emotions and how you are slower to change. You have to be committed to something.
Hell, even commit to your eating disorder. I don't recommend it, but you need to pick something."

Sounds like a double dare...

.... don't dare me CB ....

Overreacting

I find it more than a tad embarrassing to have a friend stay over with me and find myself waking up in the middle of the night... SOAKED due to my "non-important" nightmares.

At least my washing machine gets to keep its job...


Sunday, January 3, 2010

New Coping Skill

All I have to do when having a hard time...

.... is take a little drive with my friend... Tracy...

(I'm already giggling for you to watch this!)

Friday, January 1, 2010

Reso-wha?

2010

What does it mean when I absolutely don't want to make goals??