Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Start

The E word.
The completely avoided. The dreaded emotions
But why do I have such a stigma against them?

Because I grew up hiding from my own while being drowned by my mothers?
Or maybe just because I find emotions to be messy, messy, messy.

Dealing with death and grief=emotions=messy
which does not = happiness for Stephanie

Hence, avoiding the loss of my father.

Sesh today was basically a Stephanie history lesson in regards to Dad's health issues and my relationships with the rest of my family.
Did I make a "mess" through extravagant crying in session?
Not in the slightest.
But did I do emotional work today?

I once again told the story of how the spoiled, happy child I was got lost due to nature's sad forces. I re-exposed the layered timeline of the pain my family went through (of both the self imposed nature and not).... admittedly not a child's story.
It's no wonder I have a hard time getting my feelings straight about it all. It was all quite muddled.
I didn't connect much with my own tale;
but I was surprised at how much sorrow I felt for the life my dad had.
I always knew that he'd had a rough go due to the card's God dealt him... but today I got the full visual of what was taken from him.
His business, mobility, wife, role as a father, home, most of his hearing and speech, dignity and self respect were gone before he finally lost his life...
all the while not being shown much love and support by those around him.
No surprise that he didn't fight more for himself.
We all left him, angry and blaming him for leaving us.
I know that I didn't do that intentionally, but..
I'm sorry Dad that I wasn't acknowledging how lonely you must have felt.
Daddy's girl left you.

Care Bear pointed out to me for the first time that I, like my father, I have lost just about everything over the course of my life.
All of my identities were established and then gone.
The nerdy, hardcore, passionate student
The athlete (the loss of my talent/scholarship)
The daughter and child
The mother role (as I always taken care of someone)
My parents (both physically and emotionally)
My youth

I truly am faced with the task of recreating myself ALL over again. A true fresh start
Talk about "identity crisis!"

My goals for the next week
-Going to group on Thursday
-Working on being aware when, I'm judging or putting rules on my grieving... in the hopes to allow for true feelings.

Sesh was hard today...
Maybe emotions don't always have to = mess
I trusted, got scared, sad and even though its not easy;
its a world better than walking around emotionally dead.

From the bottom of my heart,
Thank you Care Bear.