Disclaimer: Know that I have since emailed and reconciled with my team and have gone back.
Here is that brainstormed list that I came up with
- I'm terrified that I'll get left again
- I shared my secrets. Now someone knows. This is the first time that anyone has that many pieces of the true "Me" puzzle. I'm scared to face her, or to trust her
- Still invalidating myself with my relationship and "sex related" secrets. Feeling that they are stupid and not a big deal... or that CB will think that
- Testing myself to see if I can do what I need to for recovery even without a team telling me what to do. Seeing if I was motivated enough to do it for myself
- All-or-nothing thinking. If I can't do recovery perfectly forever, then quit now
- Giving myself a reason to fail
- Upcoming anniversaries in the next week. No wanting to face or deal with remembering
- I'm actually starting to like going to see CB. I've noticed that I am taking actual risks to trust her.. so... I ran
- Belief that I will fail or disappoint CB eventually. Better to piss her off now
- "Fire" before getting "fired"
- (reason to quit group). Not wanting to meet and be part of group with B (woman who just miscarried her baby in the 3rd trimester). To me she is personified grief; the thing I have been running from...
- I don't want to grow dependent on therapy
- Feeling defeated with recovery as a realistic permanent possibility.
These may seem reasonable, stupid, BS-esque or any number of things to you. However, they are the only reasons that I've got..
They are what they are