Sunday, December 20, 2009

Foggy Driving

I have a "new friend" and I cannot really wrap my head around all that I think about it.
I don't know that I have ever been able to click that quickly with anyone else. I am very private so it usually takes some time to figure out whether we'd actually get along. But we just met, chatted a teeny bit and however possible, just absolutely GET each other.
It is strange to simultaneously want to spend a bunch of time talking, getting to know each other AND want to run miles away at the same time.

I'm nervous that I am just going to be this shiny new toy; fun to get to know, and then easy to forget once that process is over. I'm afraid to put myself out there with her just in case she hears about what's going on with me and my craziness and then decides that befriending me was the wrong choice.

I hope not. Because hanging out tonight just felt right and like we really could be a true support for each other. I guess that as we have similar humor, she can at least be entertained by the sheer randomness I exude.
But, should I happen to be the Tickle Me Elmo for her;
giggle it up because my red fuzzy belly wont be in stores forever.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Not helping

Me...In group... silence

the second I got out... hand numbing, breath stealing, full on panic attack.

I sat around the corner, so the whole group (including Care Bear) left.. I followed almost 40 minutes later. I'm so done... uggg

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Mailman Mailman

My latest assignment from the Care Bear...
Writing a letter to mi padre about some of my Christmas memories with him;
kind of like some "Wish you were here" postcard... which is great in theory, but I'm not on some tropical beach getting tan and oogling some hot man down yonder....

Wanna see what I've written so far...
Ready.. here it goes.

Dear Dad,

Like that??? I smell progress...


5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

I'm finally able to count on one hand the days until I get to squeeze and smooch these faces...

Oh so happy

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

We meet again

I am getting ready to head out to work, so this won't be long.... but I HAVE to update later..

Saw Care Bear this morning... twas good. a tad humorous watching her try to be both my therapist and dietician while Lena is away...

Saw Timmy this afternoon. We got SO MUCH cleared up. I don't know if I have EVER, in my 2+ years in therapy with her have been that honest in that room. I was worried that by meeting with her today that I was going to have to deal with wanting to leave therapy with Care Bear to go back to her.
Oddly enough, I didn't. Sign of maturity? Growth?
I left feeling so glad that I finally got to tell her that the way everything went down with Le Mansion was not okay and incredibly hard, that I felt that she left me.
It was nice to see a more serious side of her too. She leveled right back with me, was just as honest (with both her words and emotions)... I got my Timmy back

Still so much stirring in da brain... more later... but.. surprisingly good feeling.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Epic Fail

So... I didn't reach my trifecta goal today.
Osteoporosis at 21...

Snow Fallin' In Utah

I was SUPER late to therapy today as I sat in almost 2 hours of traffic trying to get from my house to Care Bear's. The drive that normally takes me like 35 minutes.
I left 1 hour and 20 minutes to get there...
but it wasn't enough...
So, therapy was approximately 20 minutes long.. Awesome.
I actually wanted to go to therapy today. Too much craziness in da brain for only 15 minutes.

DEXA scan in less than an hour and Lena in like 2. Not sure how much that I am going to like this.

Monday, December 7, 2009


Tomorrow I go for it... The trifecta of perfection..
Normal EKG, labs and (thanks to tomorrow's appt) a normal DEXA bone scan..
I am "normal"...
watch me ROAR!!!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Start

The E word.
The completely avoided. The dreaded emotions
But why do I have such a stigma against them?

Because I grew up hiding from my own while being drowned by my mothers?
Or maybe just because I find emotions to be messy, messy, messy.

Dealing with death and grief=emotions=messy
which does not = happiness for Stephanie

Hence, avoiding the loss of my father.

Sesh today was basically a Stephanie history lesson in regards to Dad's health issues and my relationships with the rest of my family.
Did I make a "mess" through extravagant crying in session?
Not in the slightest.
But did I do emotional work today?

I once again told the story of how the spoiled, happy child I was got lost due to nature's sad forces. I re-exposed the layered timeline of the pain my family went through (of both the self imposed nature and not).... admittedly not a child's story.
It's no wonder I have a hard time getting my feelings straight about it all. It was all quite muddled.
I didn't connect much with my own tale;
but I was surprised at how much sorrow I felt for the life my dad had.
I always knew that he'd had a rough go due to the card's God dealt him... but today I got the full visual of what was taken from him.
His business, mobility, wife, role as a father, home, most of his hearing and speech, dignity and self respect were gone before he finally lost his life...
all the while not being shown much love and support by those around him.
No surprise that he didn't fight more for himself.
We all left him, angry and blaming him for leaving us.
I know that I didn't do that intentionally, but..
I'm sorry Dad that I wasn't acknowledging how lonely you must have felt.
Daddy's girl left you.

Care Bear pointed out to me for the first time that I, like my father, I have lost just about everything over the course of my life.
All of my identities were established and then gone.
The nerdy, hardcore, passionate student
The athlete (the loss of my talent/scholarship)
The daughter and child
The mother role (as I always taken care of someone)
My parents (both physically and emotionally)
My youth

I truly am faced with the task of recreating myself ALL over again. A true fresh start
Talk about "identity crisis!"

My goals for the next week
-Going to group on Thursday
-Working on being aware when, I'm judging or putting rules on my grieving... in the hopes to allow for true feelings.

Sesh was hard today...
Maybe emotions don't always have to = mess
I trusted, got scared, sad and even though its not easy;
its a world better than walking around emotionally dead.

From the bottom of my heart,
Thank you Care Bear.