Monday, November 30, 2009

"Quitter"

I promised a few readers that I would post here my assignment for Care Bear (CB) listing my reasons for "quitting" on my team...
Disclaimer: Know that I have since emailed and reconciled with my team and have gone back.
Here is that brainstormed list that I came up with
  • I'm terrified that I'll get left again
  • I shared my secrets. Now someone knows. This is the first time that anyone has that many pieces of the true "Me" puzzle. I'm scared to face her, or to trust her
  • Still invalidating myself with my relationship and "sex related" secrets. Feeling that they are stupid and not a big deal... or that CB will think that
  • Testing myself to see if I can do what I need to for recovery even without a team telling me what to do. Seeing if I was motivated enough to do it for myself
  • All-or-nothing thinking. If I can't do recovery perfectly forever, then quit now
  • Giving myself a reason to fail
  • Upcoming anniversaries in the next week. No wanting to face or deal with remembering
  • I'm actually starting to like going to see CB. I've noticed that I am taking actual risks to trust her.. so... I ran
  • Belief that I will fail or disappoint CB eventually. Better to piss her off now
  • "Fire" before getting "fired"
  • (reason to quit group). Not wanting to meet and be part of group with B (woman who just miscarried her baby in the 3rd trimester). To me she is personified grief; the thing I have been running from...
  • I don't want to grow dependent on therapy
  • Feeling defeated with recovery as a realistic permanent possibility.
These may seem reasonable, stupid, BS-esque or any number of things to you. However, they are the only reasons that I've got..
They are what they are

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Reunion Reflection

So, last night I got the chance to go out to dinner with some of my Mansion friends.
One is outpatient like me
One currently doing Daypatient
One who is Inpatient (and out on pass with us)
and lil' ol Me...

We had a lot of fun together and it was good to catch up.
It was cool though to watch and get a glimpse at my progress.

It was while I was watching and talking with the girl currently IP that I was better able to see what I looked like when I was in her shoes. Full of anger at the world, confused, irrational at times and still speaking through the voice of addiction.
I am still guilty of being in that place at times but it really helped me to be aware of the changes that I have made and find more clarity.
It made me grateful that I went through the Mansion, came out the other side a different person and am able to continue growing now. and while there are definate moments when the safety of the Mansion makes living there more desireable, I am grateful that I am not back there now... That, as Sammy says, I am 'fighting the fight' in the real world.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Dora's Adoption Agency

It seems so cliche to me to talk about gratitude on Thanksgiving,
so for now.... I wont.

It is absolutely amazing to me how talented I am at seeming social without actually interacting or truly "being" with other people.
I have been at work and with others for most of the day but I haven't really said anything or been involved.

I have come to know that together or apart, this week is about family
(both blood relatives and those that we've chosen to adopt into our lives)
It has proven to be more difficult than I thought it would be by not being around my siblings on this Gobble Day.
Joy is the only word that comes to mind when thinking about the people that I have "adopted." So often I catch myself feeling alone or like my "real family" is missing.
But through this adoption, I have family everywhere.
In CA, AZ, CT, WA, TX, UT, Mexico, Spain, Heaven... and even though I don't see them much, nor am I with them today for Thanksgiving,
just knowing that I have them, keeps Ms. Lonely away.

This makes me grateful.
and therefore cliche,
which I guess I am okay with now.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Breakup Makeup

In response to all of my unbelievable brat behavior of the last week and all of my freaking out;
I have the verdict...
Da Care Bear and I are together again.
Today's sesh was ah-maze-ing!
I have notes from our hour that are going to be my next post to help continue catching y'all up.
But, it is all good.
At least for today... ;)

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Errrrm

Just
D.O.N.E.
Don't know what to do.....

Table 86

Who would be the person that I would least want to see come into the restaurant tonight?
Can you guess?
Think about it..
Figured it out yet????
Yup... Care Bear...
SO AWKWARD...

Thursday, November 19, 2009

F-f-finally

I went in to Le Mansion today with the roomie as she wanted "moral support" while going in to see her dietician. While we were sitting in the upstairs waiting room,

guess who I saw?

Timmy!

She came up the stairs and saw us sitting there and started to keep walking, did a double take, and got a big ol' smile.
she gasped out "Dora!" and came over giving me a hug...

AHHH.. she doesn't hate me.
Huge sigh of relief.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Called It

She was thrilled...
not
I believe the phrase "What in the hell are you doing?" was the first thing out of her mouth.
I know...
I'm really sorry. 
The response from Lena didn't refer to the home of Hades,
but it wasn't any more excited about my choice.
Lovely. 

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Done-zo

I am kindof over therapy right now.. and dietary.. and group...
and I just emailed Care Bear telling her that...
Anyone wanna bet how happy she is going to be about that???

Monday, November 9, 2009

Weekly Torture

Freaking out.
Saw Lena today, which went well. If things are still consistent on Friday I am going down to once a week with her.. woot woot..
However, on my way out Care Bear's door was open and when she saw me said, "Ready for your weekly torture tomorrow?"
uh.... no
"You better get your reading voice on.. I have a feeling you are going to do some list reading..."
Mental Curse Words....
Great.

Now I am semi regretting giving that list to her. I don't know what is going to be happening tomorrow and I don't really know that I am ready... ugggg

Saturday, November 7, 2009

The Envelope

I am slowly realizing the impact of my little seemingly brave and motivated move this week to hand over all, and I mean ALL of my secrets. Literally...

This includes all things that I managed to keep quiet throughout my ENTIRE stay at Le Mansion and my entire time working with Timmy.
Am I proud that I still have those?
No, but I never thought that I would be giving them to Care Bear. It is basically
"the-rest-of-Stephanie"
in an envelope.
We didn't talk about them in session, as I agreed it would be easier for me to just give them to her, and let her decide whether to read them or if the act of handing them over was sufficient.
The problem now is that I keep wondering whether she has read them and what in the heck she could be thinking.
Hopefully not that she took on too much and is reconsidering stuff... OR...
That she now knows exactly what I need/should be dealing with and can call me that much faster on my games...
NOR do I want her to be sad.
I know that doing this assignment was "a big step," and what was going to need to do. I just don't know what's a comin' on Tuesday in sesh and whatever it is,

I hope I'm ready.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I'll Take it!

I know it is a common bandwagon to jump on; but I always join in with those who stand in Target, Costco or basically ANY store on November first looking around, almost flabbergasted, that the red-green-Xmas fairy came and conquered the world overnight.

It bugs me... Not the angry "Im going to break your face" kind of bugging...
It's more the "I can't believe we're surrounded by lights and trees already kind of way.

I tend to procrastinate and not start doing my prep until AFTER Thanksgiving and seeing people full throttle their way towards Christmas while their Halloween candy is still fresh... completely baffles me.

Today I found my exception...















I recieved these gems this morning as today is Christmas Picture Day at school!
These two make my life, and this foreshadow of Christmas is oh-so-warmly welcomed...
And even if its just for today, I've happily leaped off the bandwagon.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Memo to Self

Disclaimer: These are just a few random reminders for myself; written as my darling little brain still likes to cram good and useful information into the worlds best hiding places up there. That, and its probably worth writing positive reminders down while you've got 'em...
I swear, I used to be the best at hide and seek...

Stephanie,
  • Remember to listen when you feel the need to reach out to a specific person. The feeling is always there for a reason. It's amazing how it works every time.
  • They are trying to help. Don't sabotage a great thing because you want to do the leaving.
  • Keep laughing
  • Calling it 'tiptoeing' doesn't make it any more justifiable with le dietician. dork.
  • Needing OR asking for more is okay. It is okay and not a step back. It is okay
  • Just Write.
  • Even when you don't want to... Just Follow the Plan.. Stop fighting it.. be like Nike.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

"Un-working"

What the heckface.?... I thought I was going to be able to call the shots in therapy.
Before today, Care Bear won't start session or really speak until I do. She always starts with, "So, what are we talking about today?"
and then will wait...
who knows for what... ;)

But today she put the foot down.
Her: "You have to start going to group. No other way to deal with this relationship thing."
Me: "But I have work on Thursdays..."
Her: "Well then un-work.."
Me: le sigh (and probably a very uncharacteristic eyeroll) ha..

I think they are using this 100% compliance threat to their complete advantage... grrrrrr

But, I guess that mean I am going to group?

Oh Process Groups (esp those run by Care Bear),
how I haven't missed you!