Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I Dora, on this Tuesday the 27th of October clearly state that there shall never, no not ever, be any plastic going into ANY of my orifices...
I told Lena today.... there is only CO2 going into my nose and only snot coming out... end of story
Not my fault that my metabolism isn't cooperating with my crazy meal plan.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Picture this... me.. tonight... work... food running..
(got the picture yet?)...
good... you may now continue..
So there I was, minding my own business, taking some plates to a table, and as I was getting close...
then my mature side kicked in and met up with my sick twisted sense of humor, and I thought...
She definately recognized me and her smile more than communicated the "Hey-I-know-you-can't-say-that-I-do-trying-to-remain-normal" point.... I just set her food down and smiled back; asked if she or her husband needed anything else and twirled back to the line...
I don't really like this woman... or I don't like how she was the only person to get in my way of Phase 3 and Transitional... She crushed me and now I have a toddler-esque grudge..
I then would randomly walk through that area every so often taking someone elses dinner to them; just to give the yes-you-still-can't-say-we-aren't-strangers-and-here's-another-reminder....
I had been wondering who was going to be the first staff I was going to see at the restaurant...
If this is what its going to be like every time... work is taking on a whole new level of fun...
Friday, October 23, 2009
and Him.... and her some more!!!! And there isn't much I wouldn't do for a "squeeze"
This 3 year old has my heart.. I love you Boo and miss you dearly...
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Like, if Oscar had more room in his trashcan we could be roommates.
So, its a good thing this whole blogging thing is not interactive so that I cannot attack innocent bystanding ears...
I think that part of it was that I spent over 9 hours at work today, which made me tired and therefore grouchy... I think that part of it is that I am being a butthead and sort of doing my therapy assignment and sort of not... Actually, I have pretty much done it, but I have been refusing to actually write it down; because that would mean that I would have to actually turn it in... But I don't think that mental assignments count. meh meh meh....
So, this post was pointless... Peace out.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
As part of the challenge I will be posting what I come up with here for all my lovelies to read,
which doesn't make the warm and fuzzies dance inside me; but... I apparently need to
"actively express my emotions, instead of the passive screw you message" that I was sending. Oh how I have missed the blunt honesty of Miss Care Bear.
However, the insights that she is bringing to the table (or couches) right now are BRILLIANT.
I was always part of her fan club and thought she brought a lot to my Combined Group,
but she is bringing that amazement to a whole new level..
Again, more later.
I think that this post is just a distraction to not have to do my assignment. ha!
oh slacker Stephanie...
I'm just procrastinating this exposure to all the crazy painful work I have left to do.
Unfortunately some crazy cab driver kidnapped me from the corner of Numb and Denial, broke all kinds of speed laws and tossed me out at my new corner of Reality and Choices...
The rude man didn't even slow down... ;)
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I went and met with the Clinical Director at Le Mansion this fine AM...
And while Cole doesn't intimidate me, I am not used to all this honesty and openness; which really is quite exhausting.
New twist in this whole, "Lets find 10000000 ways to overwhelm Stephanie yet still recover" movement... I was offered a shorter stay as an Inpatient, because after Cole talked with me, she could see how I wasn't just some delusional walking-talking eating disorder... that I was at least partially sane and truly motivated to work.
Does this mean that I am going to go??? no... but it does give them a few extra brownie points. (Pun intended and not intended). My biggest problem is that there is still a TON of pride in my way of actually admitting that inpatient is even on my list of options. I honestly like being able to say that I am working hard as an OP and that I am pretty fully functioning and don't need to be kept away from the world in a box in order to move foward.
I guess it was just nice to go today and FINALLY get someone there to validate that I was sterotyped and judged harshly and prematurely before. They unintentionally treated me like a number instead of taking a half hour (like Cole did) and figuring out what my true motives were.
My favorite lines from that convo today...
Me: "I really am not a pain in the butt like I used to be..."
Cole:"I know...I'm actually impressed with you. You have matured a LOT since you left here. Don't take this the wrong way... But you are cooler than I thought you were"
(and later when her phone wouldn't stop ringing)
Cole: "UGH.. why can't I just hang here with you instead of dealing with all this garbage?"
Me: "well.. you could tell them that I was such a danger to myself you had to remove all cords from your office, including the phone..."
Cole: (*big smile*) "That's actually brialliant"
Bottom line: It was nice to be treated like an actual human... thanks Cole.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I don't quite know. He is pretty darned attractive.
While I have gotten to a place of acceptance that I am not made out for marriage;
this face and his character in this movie makes that fact harder...
Not only would I lose my new team; I would be AUTOMATICALLY sent to the hospital for a mandatory admit for wt.
When this threat was given on Friday, my roommate and I decided to endearingly call today
"No Tube Tuesday"
It seemed fitting and was humorous enough to keep me from crying about this reality.
Even though I did everything that Lena told me I was nervous that it wasn't going to be enough. That despite my valliant efforts I was going to be sporting a paper gown for my fall fashion.
When I got there this morning Care Bear decided to weigh me first to determine what we were to process through in therapy.
Heart was doing some kind of quick step until she said, "You're good. You made it..."
I already knew that I liked my new therapist; but she continues to amaze me at how gentle she can be. This is a complete 180 from the loud, blunt, almost crude woman who was constantly pushing my buttons as an inpatient....
I liked that crazy therapist; but I don't mind this side either.
It is a feeling that I can't explain when she looked in my eyes and was able to validate my almost year long silent struggle. In that moment she dropped her previos belief that I was just being an attention-seeking brat (who still has her appearances) and realized what was really up. All the while, keeping calm and comforting.
I no longer feel that strong hurt from Le Mansion; as I removed their title as
"The only people who can help me"
While they are still lifesavers, it was time for me to grow up and figuratively move out.
Phew.... No Tube Tuesday ended up being okay. This was not a holiday I was looking foward to.
Instead of panic and fear; I am feeling very grateful.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I think that I should bottle and sell my golden blood that all these people refuse to take because it is so normal and perfect.
The added bonus? It also allows someone to reverse poor EKG results and magically recovers you from your eating disorder in ONLY TWO WEEKS!!!
Hear that people...
Who needs teams and treatment centers... Just a vile of my platelets is all you need...
I think its a hit....
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I believe that I have had to see some a professional of some kind almost daily since I got here.
SO OVER IT...
Got a call from my last doc (Kelly) writing the order for me to go get another EKG done to see if there was change. As I can't find a time that works for me AND the lab for my new doc, the labs my dietician wanted done like 4 days ago..still aren't done.. I called Kelly asking her to please send the lab order with the other so I could save time and do them together. Her nurse kindly called back to tell me that Kelly was not going to write the order as the labs that I did a week and a half ago were normal so there was "no point.." Awesome... The big red sparkly bow on top of this gift of a day was the copy of my test with the words "normal EKG" near the top. WTF!
The immediate scream in my head was, "I FLIPPIN TOLD YOU I was fine!!!!"
Now, I AM happy and relieved that it improved and not worsening, but why in the world did Le Mansion FREAK OUT at me like they did. Seems a tad dramatic if 2 weeks of basically the same intake would change it back.
Obviously, not as cruicial, severe, scary as they made it out to be.
All of this rollercoaster stress of team-no team-inpatient-crap im screwed-scramble-new team.... was completely unnecessary.
I like the people I am now working with... but at what cost...
I am physically exhausted, emotionally strung out and mentally fried.
I have started to doubt my ability to suceed as an outpatient, "because the professionals said so"
Maybe worst of all....the place and people I was taught I could lean on and trust turned their cheek... telling me I wasn't acceptable "as is"... that putting me back in a box was my only way to freedom. Perhaps I should be happy that I could technically team back up with them...
only now I don't want to...
This doesn't feel like progress...