Friday, September 25, 2009

...Honestly

Oh. MY. STARS!!!! longest first week back in UT ever.
The support I thought I was getting by coming here shocked me by turning me away...
The one person who PROMISED they'd always be by my side, help me, fight for and with me... sat in front of me today and broke that promise. You told me I could trust you, cry in front of you and you wouldn't leave... that you weren't my mother.... well.. you just treated me like she does... This heart stab feels the same...
Im way lost.... I thought I was doing the right thing... for the right reasons....
Im truely trying.... hard... not to give up... but honestly... Im kind of checked out...
meh...

ok.. lets try for more honesty..
I honestly expected to get quite a butt kicking when I got back here... FOR SURE...
although.... I honestly was not expecting this...
I am honestly mad, shocked, hurt, confused, lonely (and probably other things) over this whole Timmy situation...
I honestly don't think the ONE OPTION they are giving me is necessary.
or... maybe...
its that I honestly don't want to deal with the reality that I let it get here...
That without using their option, it doesn't look good...

Saturday, September 19, 2009

First trip with Keanu

Tomorrow... Im out... Finally...
It has been a long time coming and a complete emotional drain.
I am very excited to move but am already
completely exhausted.
There has been much tears(not mine.. lol), arguing and anger that as of right now; I'm not really feeeling a lot about the whole thing.
I am going to miss the kids like crazy, it will be hard not to be able to help Marco in his bachelor pad, and I would be lying to say that I'd never miss the parentals or this huge house.
I am also aware that I have given this move a lot of meaning and have a lot of things I want to accomplish in this next piece of my journey.... I just hope I am up for it. That I still have it in me.
The goal is to get some sleep tonight.
I really don't need another accident on I-80... especially in my new car.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Charming Thief

Dear whoever stole my delta waves,

While I know that you are probably off somewhere enjoying yourself, thanks to you, I am stuck here trying to find random, mundane and increasingly useless things to do with my time awake...
Yes it is 6 in the AM and
No, I am not just getting up early...
I couldn't think of anything else, so hence the note.

Can I just say that I think that your little prank has run its course? As I watched my 40th straight awake hour pass by earlier this afternoon, I could only sit and wonder how in the world this is helpful. This is one of those landmark feats when you are a freshman in the dorms; insanely seeing how many simultaneous hours you could stay up; just so that they can brag about it for the next, like, week. Yup, freshmen are stupid (me most definitely included)... its not that cool.

Now I am quite good at "winging it" in front of the world so that they don't EVER catch on that I have some faulty internal clock that never strikes "sleep time." So on days/weeks that Im not snoozing I make sure that I am peppy, not whining about being tired and wearing plenty of concealer. I know that part of my sleep issue right now is all the stress, responsibilities and endless trivial errands that are having to be done as all 6 of us are moving into 3 new places at the same time.... This creates anxiety by excessive To-Do Lists, steering clear of emotional mothers, and lots and lots of moving/box/garbage/goodwill MESS.... (not a fan)...

Whats my point for tonight??? Im not entirely sure, only that it seems like my departure isn't coming any sooner. Everytime I feel like I have stepped closer to getting completely ready, there is a fellow moving sufferer in crisis closeby. Its constant waves of that weighty feeling that says, 'I know I am leaving, but it feels like I am never getting out of here...'

and while I can't solely blame my insomnia; all this shhtuff that we're trying to accomplish, is just rockin' me physically... and I mean hardcore..
All my lovely "symptoms" can just knock it off now (ie...compression socks never have been in style. Honestly...)

Moving also isn't an automatic cure;
but for now,
its what I'm looking foward to.
So while I'd prefer to get some z's in the next few days as the "BIG MOVE" for the parents is on Saturday, all I have to say to you is...
I will be getting those brain waves back before I pack up my new car. Vacation or not...
Got it?

-Me