Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Socks Only Please

Do I want to be thinking about what I am thinking about right now? No...
But, there lies the joy of conscious thinking I guess. With our gift of thoughts; you sometimes get the ones you wouldn't care if they'd ever graced your porch with their shoes and those that bring you surprise smiles; like when a great song comes on the radio...
This is not a poem... This... is finding muddy shoes on your perfectly swept porch.

I am not thinking about the actual phone call...
I'm thinking that I woke up that morning feeling more lonely than usual.
Thinking that I did not want to help drop off the kids.
That I was bummed that mom was needing to go into the office today;
leaving me home with myself.
Doesn't she know that I can't keep my brain at bay when I'm alone
with nothing to do ALL DAY?!?
It shames me to say that I spent that whole morning in behaviors,
the whole... flippin... morning...
trying to run from the lame feeling that told me
over and over
that I was being "left."
I thought it was about mom going to work.
I swished water as the phone rang...
shock. clarity. system crash. blank.
Now I know why the "left" feeling would not quiet.
I was wrong to guess it was about mom.
You left.
and I wasn't there.
Not physically near you, to hear or help
and all of my energy went to try and still my obnoxious heart
as it fought to rip out and be there too...
it knew before I did.