Sunday, August 2, 2009

The one holding the balloons

I have a bunch of little things that I want to post... I started a couple last night, trying to stick with one and finish... but, the brain was everywhere and it didn't end up happening..
Tonight though, I need to do it..I just finished an hour+ of Facebook chatting with an eating disorder... The girl I wanted to talk to decided not to show up at the keyboard today, and let her negative mind do all the typing. And while talking about specific behaviors, numbers, etc really doesn't trigger me; I had a hard time not getting a bit pumped up. I felt like all I was doing was playing devil's advocate, being that person that contradicts everything you say in the hopes that you can see even the slightest ounce of irrationality of your statements. I hate doing that though because, as the true person was not listening, this only would get frustrating to her....
or, I wouldn't say anything.. These were times when no words (at least in the language I know) could be organized into a statement that could ever be interpreted as helpful. I could have said the deepest, truest, most perfect thing to ever be said at that moment, but it wouldn't even register... so I chose silence...
I want her to get it SO badly that I could never even think to give up on her. I don't think there is a point in time when it is appropriate for me to give up on anyone. But I get that, at least for right now, I'm not helping... that what she needs, I can't give her. So maybe that frustration I found at her comments was more at myself.

Point being... I HAVE to start doing "assignments" again... For a couple weeks now I have been passively trying to think of things that I would probably be given IF therapy was part of my weekly schedule... It made me feel that I was doing work... mind you, I never started any of them... I can see now that just making the list, while a step, is not really an example of progression. I also can see that I can't seem to find enough motivation to do something "hard" without having accountability in place. While only a handful of people can read this, at least I wrote it somewhere... Showing that JUST NOW I committed to doing these.
Here is the proof
So feel free to lovingly shove it in my face should I try to deny it... Ask me questions about one you're curious about, call my bluff, help me dig further, or just help to remind me that getting through them is worth the pain of honesty.
I'm also challenging myself to post them here. I can't stay afraid of what I am doing, who I am and what I think....
Letting Go of the Strings
  • Fears toward "Full Recovery"
  • Therapy with Timmy? At all? (process)
  • Holy Memory
  • Secrets List- stuff I couldn't find the courage to say in the Center... not even to Timmy
  • Permission to Grieve
  • Relapse- what got me there, the thoughts and behaviors that keep me here
  • "That word"
  • Hitting a wall... Anger... Why I snapped? (Process)
  • Letter of Hope

Without finding a way to challenge myself...
Somewhere down the line,
someone will be writing a post for their blog,
venting about the fruitless conversation they just finished having with
a brick wall.
A wall who at one point
resembled their once very real human friend...
The wall that now stands in the way;
too tall for me to hear them
even while standing right behind it.