Monday, August 31, 2009

Hope They Allow Pillows

So, I haven't written in a long time.... You'd think that was because I was just being uber busy (which is basically true); though not entirely. I have signed in a bunch of times, wanting to get something down and posted but then deciding on something less productive to do with my time.
I have nothing poetic to say tonight either; just wanted to leave a lil' update for any who want one.
My last day at work is one week from Tues. I am excited, nervous, ready and sad all at the same time. I have found family at The Cheese and there are a few I am going to have a hard time parting with. (I'll also miss being able to write my own schedule...)
I will hopefully be all moved and settled quite soon after that so that I can spend my birthday with people my own age... the big two-one... Milestone here people... milestone. Then, as long as Max stops procrastinating, I will be transferred and meeting my "Cheese family #2" a week after that.. Fingers crossed...
I have been spending most of my time at work, or not being at the new house, or not caring enough to argue about my car/move/money/choices...etc... Explanation.. I work a TON to keep me distracted from my "stressors".... The new house (which is truly beautiful and HUGE) makes me surprisingly angry; so I avoid it there... and arguing is just not my forte so, I'm really trying to steer clear of the parentals right now.
Also, I think there was both a verbal and non-verbal decision as well to restart working through my craziness upon my return to the Wasatch. I have been sporadically emailing and updating Timmy and when I told her about the move... it seems as though we will not be working together again....
Do I blame her? no... as much as we get along and love each other, I totally understand that I am not the easiest client; (thank you to my lovely sarcasm and complete disregard of emotion.....) I also haven't seen her or talked to her to show my level of commitment; which would explain some hesitation on her end...
I get it... I know that... "On paper".... I suck. No doubt about that.. But, spend 5 minutes talking to me... and there's no doubt that I'm ready and willing to really go at it... Its no bueno to get denied by one who promised they'd never leave.... What does that tell ya???
so again...
Do I blame her? no... she's probably right in steering clear...
Am I bummed? unbelievably so.
But I am still moving, and I still made the committment to try therapy again.
It's been almost 11 months since I've sat on a couch.
And even though it wont be Timmy's, I can't back out of that choice now.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Emerald Bay

The grass and rest of landscaping is coming tomorrow but...
This is home for the fam starting next week.

It is absolutely HUGE....

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Pillow Propped

What do you do when you know it is almost over?

And what do you do when you don't really care?

Monday, August 17, 2009

Like a Bunny

This morning, the Madre and I argued for the umpteenth time about my "lack of communication." The conversation went in circles until it ended in frustration like this...

Me: "I've always been quiet!! I don't get it and don't know what you want from me. "
Her: "Nothing!!! I'm DONE! I can't have what's not there. Once again I have to learn that what I want, you can't give me."

aww... warm and fuzzy....thanks mom..

Usual Manifestations

I am not sure what it is about my house that leads to the development of this condition where my lips are immediately connected and then never part ways with each other... making me a mute and very annoying in the eyes of my madre.
All that positive planning and "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" shtuff that I had going on my plane rides today; gone down with the buildup of unused saliva.
night one of silence.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

A Book Is...

A Book is...

A whole in your pocket,
a hitchhiker's guide,
a road to time travel,
a ticket to ride.

A bundle of wonder,
a mystery unsolved,
(in which you will soon
be directly involved).

A windfall in lap-land,
a bedside surprise,
a serving of sun,
under rain speckled skies.

Rarely a lemon,
but lemon meringue,
the kit and caboodle,
the entire shebang.

The big enchilada,
the whole ball of wax,
what makes for such happy

Written By: J. Patrick Lewis

Friday, August 14, 2009

Over and Out

I came..
I alum'ed...
She wasn't here.
and Im really sorry girls.. But I'm done.
There is only so much rah-rah that I can handle.
I am not in process/testimony meeting/cry till you drop mode.
I've spent 10 months without a treatment team for a reason.
I don't want to go back to Cali,
but being here is rough.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

In Sunday Best

I woke the kids up today after their nap (for whatever reason, Sunday School poops them out and they'll sleep forever if you don't step in..)
I picked Boo up and sat in the chair with her letting her wake up slow.
She gave me a big squeeze, put her groggy, sweaty little cheek next to mine and whispered,
"stephie.... are we best friends forever?"
melt. sigh. smile. love!
"yes Boo.. forever."

Saturday, August 8, 2009

More Like a Triple

This time the lack of sleep is not my fault.
Fiddling on the comp, Max (GM at work) deleted next weeks schedule that took Stace and I over 2 hours to finish the first time.
It HAS to be posted before the managers leave after the Fri. shift; Stacey is out of town; so after I closed my section at 12:45am,
I wrote the schedule... again.
It is admittedly harder to be sympathetic to the needs of 154 servers at 3 AM...
I always want to be fair, so I hope there isn't too much whining.
anywho... I have to be awake again in less than 2 hours as I am running the New Hire Server Orientation class-er-roonie at 8.
Hope those kids weren't wanting to learn anything today...
just kidding...
kind of.

School bell will ring around 2 and my 2nd shift starts at 4:30.Sat.night server...
and again I'm closing..
Its going to be interesting...
I would already be in bed if my darned uniform was safely in the dryer so
all I have to do is iron in the morning.
24 minutes and counting.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Hot Tamale Train

Finale Night!!!!
Part 1...
I have my excited face on!

(Show is over...)

Dick Clark Productions has pulled rank over YouTube and removed like ALL the videos from this season. So... I can't post more video love... Lamate.

Decision: Even though I am scared, I am going on my trip.
...After all, I am an Alum.

Socks Only Please

Do I want to be thinking about what I am thinking about right now? No...
But, there lies the joy of conscious thinking I guess. With our gift of thoughts; you sometimes get the ones you wouldn't care if they'd ever graced your porch with their shoes and those that bring you surprise smiles; like when a great song comes on the radio...
This is not a poem... This... is finding muddy shoes on your perfectly swept porch.

I am not thinking about the actual phone call...
I'm thinking that I woke up that morning feeling more lonely than usual.
Thinking that I did not want to help drop off the kids.
That I was bummed that mom was needing to go into the office today;
leaving me home with myself.
Doesn't she know that I can't keep my brain at bay when I'm alone
with nothing to do ALL DAY?!?
It shames me to say that I spent that whole morning in behaviors,
the whole... flippin... morning...
trying to run from the lame feeling that told me
over and over
that I was being "left."
I thought it was about mom going to work.
I swished water as the phone rang...
shock. clarity. system crash. blank.
Now I know why the "left" feeling would not quiet.
I was wrong to guess it was about mom.
You left.
and I wasn't there.
Not physically near you, to hear or help
and all of my energy went to try and still my obnoxious heart
as it fought to rip out and be there too...
it knew before I did.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

When Won Two Oh is Gone...

I'm kind of sick of being awake.
My poor pillow is unemployed
There are only so many words you can read,
blogs you can type,
BS distractions you can try
before you just can't.
and me, eyes open
with only thoughts to mark time
leads to this said "fall apart" place.

Sidenote: I finished reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower today. really good. kind of sad. way more powerful than I expected... but, more on that later.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Finale Week

As my obsession with So You Think You Can Dance this season comes to an end this week, I wanted to post another tribute to those lovelies I can't stop watching....

I am so sad Janette is not in the finale.
My predictions....
If a boy wins: Brandon
If a girl: Jeanine

The Same Fourteen.

As part of this whole
task where I try writing down memories before they permanently vacation without me; I keep looking at different things, places I've been, and around the house just to see what I can stir up...
and as soon as I tapped into one today; I have a bunch of little lovelies that have to do with the staircase in my house.
so... lets play with a few..

*I am 9ish and I played a new game today. Mom got Marco a new big-boy bed that looks like a race car, so we need Daddy to get home to take the old mattress away. Marco asked me to play "pretend" with him and turn the mattress into a "SUPER COOL SLED" so we can ride it down the stairs (I mean....the crazy tall hill of snow.. duh...).
We did this for hours, getting more and more daring at how to sit or ride to the bottom before Mom finally stomped out our game... We weren't thrilled at the time, but she probably saved some brain cells.

*I am 6. Today is my birthday party!!! And I get to have a sleepover with more than one friend. We played with my Polly Pockets and everything was fine until we started chasing each other and Katie slipped on the way down the stairs. She was still wearing her socks, even when I told her not to...She did not flip over, but she is crying and scared and I hope she wont decide not to sleep over anymore. I shouldn't have let them chase her... She definitely got spooked, had the wind knocked out of her and was mellow the rest of the night. But we had been friends since kindergarden and she is still my sister in my 20's. So, she stuck around to make the trip up and down those same stairs countless times since then. She still likes to say that she "almost died" at my house. I've also gotten my head stuck between 2 rails, both Mom and Marco have tripped on the stairs; as did I at about some young tot age. At the bottom, my eyes had rolled to the back of my head, and I didn't cry until after my mom called my doctor for the emergency. Marco fell from near the top and grabbed the stair rail hoping to break his fall, but ended up bringing it with him as a souvenir. We had the holes from that side rail there for years before fixing it.

*I am 19 and visiting the family for a short break. I miss Utah but I am glad to see the babies and they are getting way too big. JBubby tonight was walking down the stairs trying to hold onto his toys, lost his grip on them and watched them tumble the rest of the way down.
J: "JACKIT!!!!"
Mom: Jack! you can't say things like that.....
J: "What Mommy?, I didn't say damnit."
Yup... I wish I could have a picture of her face.
The whole family had no breath, as Mr. Laughter scooped it all up.

*.. I am a young student and working on my goal to become the "best counter EVER".... I wanted to show everyone how high I could count, that I could get to the "big numbers." So on my way to bed I would HAVE to count all 14 stairs on the way up as I walked them. If I hesitated or messed up and somehow got to 15 at the top, I had to go back to the bottom and start all over.

*I am 20, watching mom follow Boo and Bubby up to bed. She gets them to giggle as she tries to bop or pinch their cute "apple-ettes (aka..their bum)." I smile as I love how they laugh... then I chuckle to myself as I realize that these kids will be able to walk normally up the stairs as adults. People will actually get to check out Boo Bear's jean pockets on the way to class.. When they get to the new house, there are no stairs, so no more bottoms for mom to bug on the way up... The cycle ends here.
I still can't have people behind me on the stairs, and I don't EVER go slow. I always trot or skip steps to get to the top faster or Ill go practically sideways my bum facing the wall. I'll catch myself in a busy public place, walking with one hand shielding my bum without even realizing it. Then Im caught giggling TO MYSELF in that same public place at how it amuses me that this has become so automatic.
Either way... Me on stairs... looks silly.

*I am 6,8,9,11,13,16... (heck use them all. I probably even did it this last week.) I am sitting on the stairs, where others can't see, just to listen.
Either to Mom and Dad arguing in their room (right at the top of the stairs),
in Dad's room (later on...under the stairs),
Mom and Dad arguing downstairs (they really must think our walls are magic),
Marco and Mom going at it over some undone chore,

Mom crying on the phone, on the floor, in the bathroom, or to any combination of people about gosh knows what.
I also sit listening to Mom singing to the kids,
Dad brushing his teeth,
JBubby reading to Boo or making up songs in the bath,
Stan-o flipping through all 6 million ESPNs and Marco writing new lyrics with his guitar.

Those steps are the place to be.
From my stairs, I can watch the world...
While here... I am never left out.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

A Bath a Day....

"People often say that motivation doesn't last.
Well, neither does bathing- that's why we recommend it daily." -Zig Zigler

The one holding the balloons

I have a bunch of little things that I want to post... I started a couple last night, trying to stick with one and finish... but, the brain was everywhere and it didn't end up happening..
Tonight though, I need to do it..I just finished an hour+ of Facebook chatting with an eating disorder... The girl I wanted to talk to decided not to show up at the keyboard today, and let her negative mind do all the typing. And while talking about specific behaviors, numbers, etc really doesn't trigger me; I had a hard time not getting a bit pumped up. I felt like all I was doing was playing devil's advocate, being that person that contradicts everything you say in the hopes that you can see even the slightest ounce of irrationality of your statements. I hate doing that though because, as the true person was not listening, this only would get frustrating to her....
or, I wouldn't say anything.. These were times when no words (at least in the language I know) could be organized into a statement that could ever be interpreted as helpful. I could have said the deepest, truest, most perfect thing to ever be said at that moment, but it wouldn't even register... so I chose silence...
I want her to get it SO badly that I could never even think to give up on her. I don't think there is a point in time when it is appropriate for me to give up on anyone. But I get that, at least for right now, I'm not helping... that what she needs, I can't give her. So maybe that frustration I found at her comments was more at myself.

Point being... I HAVE to start doing "assignments" again... For a couple weeks now I have been passively trying to think of things that I would probably be given IF therapy was part of my weekly schedule... It made me feel that I was doing work... mind you, I never started any of them... I can see now that just making the list, while a step, is not really an example of progression. I also can see that I can't seem to find enough motivation to do something "hard" without having accountability in place. While only a handful of people can read this, at least I wrote it somewhere... Showing that JUST NOW I committed to doing these.
Here is the proof
So feel free to lovingly shove it in my face should I try to deny it... Ask me questions about one you're curious about, call my bluff, help me dig further, or just help to remind me that getting through them is worth the pain of honesty.
I'm also challenging myself to post them here. I can't stay afraid of what I am doing, who I am and what I think....
Letting Go of the Strings
  • Fears toward "Full Recovery"
  • Therapy with Timmy? At all? (process)
  • Holy Memory
  • Secrets List- stuff I couldn't find the courage to say in the Center... not even to Timmy
  • Permission to Grieve
  • Relapse- what got me there, the thoughts and behaviors that keep me here
  • "That word"
  • Hitting a wall... Anger... Why I snapped? (Process)
  • Letter of Hope

Without finding a way to challenge myself...
Somewhere down the line,
someone will be writing a post for their blog,
venting about the fruitless conversation they just finished having with
a brick wall.
A wall who at one point
resembled their once very real human friend...
The wall that now stands in the way;
too tall for me to hear them
even while standing right behind it.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

As Jack Prays

To me, the best feeling
in the world is getting a Boo or JBubby squeeze.
Which may seem weird, as I'm not big on hugging...
What I love most about nights when I don't have work, is the ability to hear the kids say their nighttime prayers. They pray for the smallest, most otherwise forgotten things, that they can cherish just as much as their favorite toy. I learn so much from them on where to look for my blessings.
A while back, I started to write down the ones they said that really stuck out to me. The list started the night I sat at the table and heard J say this...

"Thank you for this food, for Daddy's Birthday and Thank you God for pepper."

He is able to just think of the things that immediately surround him and see that God is the answer, that He is responsible for his perfectly seasoned meal. Even the most spiritual of adults struggle with this.

Tonight I was watching the kids as the parentals went out to a party; which means I got to do the bedtime rituals with them alone.
I can't even describe the peace that settles in that room.
Where darkness usually terrifies me, and quiet never equals calm, I was able to sit in it, close my eyes and hear Boo be thankful for her princess panties and listen to my little man pray,

"Thank you God for having a stay-at-home-day today. Thank you for mommy and daddy having fun and getting home safe later. Thank you God for my sister. Thank you for turtle stars (their night-light) and Thank you God for hopscotch...."

As I sat between their two beds, rubbing both their backs while they fell asleep, I felt more still than I've been able to in weeks, maybe the most still since moving back here. I looked at them both and couldn't believe that I was allowed to be a piece of something so wonderful.

I asked Heavenly Father to help them always be able to recognize the seemingly small blessings in their lives; as this gift could help them through so much hurt in the future. I know that they will have trials, so I asked for His help so they won't doubt their worth or purpose, as I did. I asked that they will always be provided for nor will they be abandoned... I didn't ask for their lives to be perfect; because I know that isn't possible... But for as much as I love them,
please keep them safe and constantly reminded of the love they can already feel...
like a hand on their back as they drift to sleep.
So, Thank you God for J and Boo and chalk for hopscotch making. Thank you for flashlights and bedtime stories...
and Thank You God for letting me even know what a "turtle star" is...