Today was no different.
We had a great sacrament talk about Pioneers. Most of the ward was emotional as Allison read excerpts from personal accounts (like little autobiographies or diary entries) from a few of her ancestors; some from the 1800's. They had so much to say, so much strength and did amazing things for the Church and their families. They were forerunners, pioneers, still inspiring people long after they had passed. She talked from memories she had and ended her talk with ways that we all could work towards being pioneers in our own lives.
Ehhhh. I have a bit of changing to do. If future generations were to look back at what I've done in my lifespan or at what I write about... I doubt it would be considered Spirit bringing-inspirational-sacrament talk material; and nor did I give up all security travel across the country in a wagon... Her talk sparked a couple different things for me. It really bothers me that I seem to be losing more and more of my memory. I really don't remember much at all from growing up, even things I did last month. How am I supposed to be a pioneer for the future if can't even remember what it is that I did? I don't know if it is something biological that is in the way; or if some lovely psychological fog maker has decided to have a hay-day in my brain... If my behaviors were gone, would that bring some back? Also, if CA is going to be my home for a bit longer than I thought, I still absolutely REFUSE to do therapy here.
what is the flippin' deal? why?
Later in the meeting, as I said my mini-prayer (like I do whenever a talk starts to lose me). I wanted help with those questions; What do I do with my memory, if anything? Is it my fault? and What's my freakout with therapy?
The quiet, prompting response I got....
'Breathe... memories will come back in pieces. WRITE THEM DOWN, they wont keep.... and therapy; the answer is in the work you have already done with the one you trust. Remember Stephanie, you will be a forerunner and an example to the lives of many.'This wont be as spiritually earth shaking to you as it was to me... but that's the whole point isn't it? The last line (in bold) is a line from my patriarchal blessing. One I haven't given much focus to. One telling me of my already existing purpose to be a pioneer. *le sigh of relief* Its already in me.
As for the other answers I got.. I am going to start 2 new types of blog posts here..
1. will be any memory pieces I get. However small, scattered, stupid, seemingly significant or insignificant. Most will probably be incomplete or based on a photograph, but maybe if I write the little pieces down, I can pluck bigger ones out of my hazed over brain. All of these will be labeled with "memory string" as a category.
2. things I did/felt/learned in my sessions with Timmy. The category will be "Timmy and Teffie" Some of my treatment sisters that read this will have heard some of them, as I probably came back to the unit laughing, complaining or crying about them. Others, I know nobody has heard about.
If my answers are there, I need to be diligent and figure it out. I feel crazy being this confused. So, until someone gives me a better option than you can Heavenly Father, I'm going to try it this way. Thank you for the blessing of getting my sorry, doubting, hesitant bum to church this morning.