Friday, July 31, 2009

My Alumni-ness

Last night I was up again
until after the sun decided to join this hemisphere, which really doesn't make me giggle. Insomnia has decided to come in and be that clingy friend in 8th grade homeroom, that you just want to leave you alone but she won't catch the hint. Annoying right?
While I love having A BUNCH of extra time to read, play around with a blog and whatever else I decide to do; weeks on end of all nighters isn't all that great and wonderful.

As July comes to a close and August rolls on in, I'm feeling...... well.. not much...
August to me was supposed to be a big month... The month the fam moves, Marco turns 18, gets my truck, takes over this house with the band, I get a new car, go to the alumni event, come back for Marco's bday, then make the permanent move back to the Wasatch. August is here... and not all of the above is going down this month. and I can say that I am really sad, or disappointed about it all.. which I sorta-kinda am; but really I just let it all keep rolling along.
I've been thinking a lot about the Alumni shindig happening in a couple weeks. I wanted to go, I have a spot reserved, but do I actually need to go?
I would love to;
have a reunion with my sisters,
get a Timmy hug and maybe even a repeat of last years butt kicking contest on the lawn,
get my revamp by mixing 3 tbs of loving pos. affirmations with copious "sprinkles" of honesty....

Flip side being that I don't think I'll have a car by then, and spending money on the trip doesn't seem like the most practical/convenient choice. I know those things are important, but I think my fear gets in the way of this trip more than the "money" issue...

I want to see all those people, but I don't necessarily want all them to see me. While everyone is invited to come celebrate their alumni-ness, I don't want to be one of those girls that gets put on the list like the one before Life Strategies... The one that says "while we would love to have you, coming to the event may not be the best move for the other girls or for you.."

...and if any single person would be able to see behind my smile filled show as "The Amazingly Functioning Addict," it would be any one of these women. We can't fool each other with the games we all play like pros. This is signing myself up to be surrounded by dozens of my fellow Hall of Famers.

Or, maybe even more scary, that I'll see Timmy and she'll tell me that she wouldn't be able to work with me when I returned. that I am not doing enough to carry my share of the work involved. I know her rules, expectations and conditions for being one of her outpatients. And, I wouldn't blame her for not signing herself up to watch me constantly balance on the fence. That's not to say that I can't or won't do the work (because I think I truly can), but I haven't proven that to her.. I just don't think I'm ready to handle hearing that.
...not from her

Maybe I truely shouldn't go and just stop thinking about it. Maybe it wouldn't be healthy for me, nor fair for those I am with.
But, maybe the reasons I don't want to go...are exactly the reasons I should... that it is worth the lost gas money, the potential looks or comments.
That being able to recognize myself as an alumni, which must count for something, would be worth the 'inconvenience' .. Who knows... maybe you do.... share the wealth!

Its after 4 so I'm off to my nightly race with the sun. If I don't win, maybe I'll just sneak to the other side of the world. Its sleepy time somewhere!