Saturday, July 25, 2009

Memo for Today

Many of the connections I make to my surroundings has to do with some kind of quote. I mean, I am the Quote book founder (at least for our Le Mansion group)... and I have now collected so many great quotes; both from famous people in the world's eyes and from people I find just as famous in my own life. Wherever I find them from, a quote I love or one I have never seen before always surfaces in random places right as I need to read them. Whether this sounds silly or not, I really believe that it is one of the ways that Heavenly Father tries to get through my thick skull.
and oh has it gotten thick.
On days that I think I "don't deserve" revelation or scripture reading blessings, its like He says, "Okay Stephanie... if you aren't going to look where I obviously can give you help/love/guidance, HERE is a quote... maybe you'll listen to that."

This morning I logged on and the first post that I saw was from a blog that I find inspiring, so funny and extremely well written. The author, is someone I don't know but is trying to find herself after recently graduating from Julliard... It is her journey, its raw, and I love reading her steps.
Her posts are normally on the long side... Today's however, was one line, one quote, one "HERE-is-the point-you're-avoiding-Stephanie-hope-you-get-my-memo"...
I most likely miss a bunch of those...
but Heavenly Father, today... I got it...

If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything is ready, we shall never begin.
Ivan Turgenev

oh. my. hell.. if that isn't talking about me at this moment then I don't know what else would... The majority of my thoughts these days go toward my current living predicament. Mom, Stan and little ones are moving.. soon. Marco will be staying here, renting this house with his band... and I will be...????
yeah... problem... Nobody really knows what Stephanie will be doing. What does Stephanie want to do? Well that's Easy....
Move to Utah. Get away out of California. Regain my independence. Be in an environment where all the emotional work that I need to do can be done while being safe, feeling supported...

And yet, here I sit, less than 6 weeks until my parents move and I still haven't made any "official" decisions or proclamations about what is coming up for me next. I am being vague about it (gasp... shocking right???)... I have been waiting for that moment Ivan was referring to... That "perfect time" to move on. A time when I have plenty of money to buy the car I am now responsible for getting and have enough money to move and pay rent and other necessary expenses. A perfect time to tell my job that "hey, even though you have basically made me a Junior Manager in less than 6 months, spent good money to get all of my extra training and treat me like a lifelong colleague; I want to leave... and oh, can you call up the branch in Salt Lake and try to get me a transfer so I can have a secured job when I get there... and oh.. I'm sorry." LAME... There will be no perfect time to tell Max that I feel like I have to go. That even though I do nothing but work my ass off for him and this company, and that I seem to be doing amazing there, that I'm actually falling fast by staying here in CA.
No matter how I twist that one, he's going to be disappointed, sad, maybe even a bit angry.... and I guess I am not to a place where I have accepted that is what's coming.
So, I wait, and I work and I look for that "perfect moment" to tell them... then I feel bad that it hasn't come...
so, as of now, Im not going anywhere... which makes me feel suffocating anxiety, which gets me to act out behaviors, which makes me want out of here even more, which gets me thinking about what I'd have to do get there, which makes me think of what Max might say, which... catch my drift... The cycle gets old.

Like I said, Today, Heavenly Father... I got it... I know that while I may want to move, that I haven't actually done my part to get there, that I haven't done that whole "begin" piece. Today I know that even if some people get a tad upset or even a lot upset, that I still need to do something different. Today I know that...
But tomorrow when I get in to work (early of course), Max will see me, smile, say Hi and give me the rundown of what he wants me to do during my next "Star Server" shift (the Junior Manager bit I was talking about)...
Some form of rare sudden amnesia will kick in and I most likely will not know what I did anymore, I'll smile back at him, tell him I absolutely will do it,
and just keep on walking...


P.S. Thank you to whatever possessed me to decide on taking such a random elective like Russian Literature (I speak NO Russian by the way), putting me in a classroom with a bunch of Russian speaking Returned Missionaries, so that I could even know who Ivan Turgenev is, and to have personally debated about Nihilism thanks to his amazing novel Fathers and Sons.