Sunday, December 20, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
I left 1 hour and 20 minutes to get there...
but it wasn't enough...
So, therapy was approximately 20 minutes long.. Awesome.
I actually wanted to go to therapy today. Too much craziness in da brain for only 15 minutes.
DEXA scan in less than an hour and Lena in like 2. Not sure how much that I am going to like this.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
- I'm terrified that I'll get left again
- I shared my secrets. Now someone knows. This is the first time that anyone has that many pieces of the true "Me" puzzle. I'm scared to face her, or to trust her
- Still invalidating myself with my relationship and "sex related" secrets. Feeling that they are stupid and not a big deal... or that CB will think that
- Testing myself to see if I can do what I need to for recovery even without a team telling me what to do. Seeing if I was motivated enough to do it for myself
- All-or-nothing thinking. If I can't do recovery perfectly forever, then quit now
- Giving myself a reason to fail
- Upcoming anniversaries in the next week. No wanting to face or deal with remembering
- I'm actually starting to like going to see CB. I've noticed that I am taking actual risks to trust her.. so... I ran
- Belief that I will fail or disappoint CB eventually. Better to piss her off now
- "Fire" before getting "fired"
- (reason to quit group). Not wanting to meet and be part of group with B (woman who just miscarried her baby in the 3rd trimester). To me she is personified grief; the thing I have been running from...
- I don't want to grow dependent on therapy
- Feeling defeated with recovery as a realistic permanent possibility.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
One is outpatient like me
One currently doing Daypatient
One who is Inpatient (and out on pass with us)
and lil' ol Me...
We had a lot of fun together and it was good to catch up.
It was cool though to watch and get a glimpse at my progress.
It was while I was watching and talking with the girl currently IP that I was better able to see what I looked like when I was in her shoes. Full of anger at the world, confused, irrational at times and still speaking through the voice of addiction.
I am still guilty of being in that place at times but it really helped me to be aware of the changes that I have made and find more clarity.
It made me grateful that I went through the Mansion, came out the other side a different person and am able to continue growing now. and while there are definate moments when the safety of the Mansion makes living there more desireable, I am grateful that I am not back there now... That, as Sammy says, I am 'fighting the fight' in the real world.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
guess who I saw?
She came up the stairs and saw us sitting there and started to keep walking, did a double take, and got a big ol' smile.
she gasped out "Dora!" and came over giving me a hug...
AHHH.. she doesn't hate me.
Huge sigh of relief.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Saw Lena today, which went well. If things are still consistent on Friday I am going down to once a week with her.. woot woot..
However, on my way out Care Bear's door was open and when she saw me said, "Ready for your weekly torture tomorrow?"
"You better get your reading voice on.. I have a feeling you are going to do some list reading..."
Mental Curse Words....
Now I am semi regretting giving that list to her. I don't know what is going to be happening tomorrow and I don't really know that I am ready... ugggg
Saturday, November 7, 2009
This includes all things that I managed to keep quiet throughout my ENTIRE stay at Le Mansion and my entire time working with Timmy.
Am I proud that I still have those?
No, but I never thought that I would be giving them to Care Bear. It is basically
in an envelope.
We didn't talk about them in session, as I agreed it would be easier for me to just give them to her, and let her decide whether to read them or if the act of handing them over was sufficient.
The problem now is that I keep wondering whether she has read them and what in the heck she could be thinking.
Hopefully not that she took on too much and is reconsidering stuff... OR...
That she now knows exactly what I need/should be dealing with and can call me that much faster on my games...
NOR do I want her to be sad.
I know that doing this assignment was "a big step," and what was going to need to do. I just don't know what's a comin' on Tuesday in sesh and whatever it is,
I hope I'm ready.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
It bugs me... Not the angry "Im going to break your face" kind of bugging...
It's more the "I can't believe we're surrounded by lights and trees already kind of way.
I tend to procrastinate and not start doing my prep until AFTER Thanksgiving and seeing people full throttle their way towards Christmas while their Halloween candy is still fresh... completely baffles me.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I swear, I used to be the best at hide and seek...
- Remember to listen when you feel the need to reach out to a specific person. The feeling is always there for a reason. It's amazing how it works every time.
- They are trying to help. Don't sabotage a great thing because you want to do the leaving.
- Keep laughing
- Calling it 'tiptoeing' doesn't make it any more justifiable with le dietician. dork.
- Needing OR asking for more is okay. It is okay and not a step back. It is okay
- Just Write.
- Even when you don't want to... Just Follow the Plan.. Stop fighting it.. be like Nike.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Before today, Care Bear won't start session or really speak until I do. She always starts with, "So, what are we talking about today?"
and then will wait...
who knows for what... ;)
But today she put the foot down.
Her: "You have to start going to group. No other way to deal with this relationship thing."
Me: "But I have work on Thursdays..."
Her: "Well then un-work.."
Me: le sigh (and probably a very uncharacteristic eyeroll) ha..
I think they are using this 100% compliance threat to their complete advantage... grrrrrr
But, I guess that mean I am going to group?
Oh Process Groups (esp those run by Care Bear),
how I haven't missed you!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I Dora, on this Tuesday the 27th of October clearly state that there shall never, no not ever, be any plastic going into ANY of my orifices...
I told Lena today.... there is only CO2 going into my nose and only snot coming out... end of story
Not my fault that my metabolism isn't cooperating with my crazy meal plan.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Picture this... me.. tonight... work... food running..
(got the picture yet?)...
good... you may now continue..
So there I was, minding my own business, taking some plates to a table, and as I was getting close...
then my mature side kicked in and met up with my sick twisted sense of humor, and I thought...
She definately recognized me and her smile more than communicated the "Hey-I-know-you-can't-say-that-I-do-trying-to-remain-normal" point.... I just set her food down and smiled back; asked if she or her husband needed anything else and twirled back to the line...
I don't really like this woman... or I don't like how she was the only person to get in my way of Phase 3 and Transitional... She crushed me and now I have a toddler-esque grudge..
I then would randomly walk through that area every so often taking someone elses dinner to them; just to give the yes-you-still-can't-say-we-aren't-strangers-and-here's-another-reminder....
I had been wondering who was going to be the first staff I was going to see at the restaurant...
If this is what its going to be like every time... work is taking on a whole new level of fun...
Friday, October 23, 2009
and Him.... and her some more!!!! And there isn't much I wouldn't do for a "squeeze"
This 3 year old has my heart.. I love you Boo and miss you dearly...
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Like, if Oscar had more room in his trashcan we could be roommates.
So, its a good thing this whole blogging thing is not interactive so that I cannot attack innocent bystanding ears...
I think that part of it was that I spent over 9 hours at work today, which made me tired and therefore grouchy... I think that part of it is that I am being a butthead and sort of doing my therapy assignment and sort of not... Actually, I have pretty much done it, but I have been refusing to actually write it down; because that would mean that I would have to actually turn it in... But I don't think that mental assignments count. meh meh meh....
So, this post was pointless... Peace out.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
As part of the challenge I will be posting what I come up with here for all my lovelies to read,
which doesn't make the warm and fuzzies dance inside me; but... I apparently need to
"actively express my emotions, instead of the passive screw you message" that I was sending. Oh how I have missed the blunt honesty of Miss Care Bear.
However, the insights that she is bringing to the table (or couches) right now are BRILLIANT.
I was always part of her fan club and thought she brought a lot to my Combined Group,
but she is bringing that amazement to a whole new level..
Again, more later.
I think that this post is just a distraction to not have to do my assignment. ha!
oh slacker Stephanie...
I'm just procrastinating this exposure to all the crazy painful work I have left to do.
Unfortunately some crazy cab driver kidnapped me from the corner of Numb and Denial, broke all kinds of speed laws and tossed me out at my new corner of Reality and Choices...
The rude man didn't even slow down... ;)
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I went and met with the Clinical Director at Le Mansion this fine AM...
And while Cole doesn't intimidate me, I am not used to all this honesty and openness; which really is quite exhausting.
New twist in this whole, "Lets find 10000000 ways to overwhelm Stephanie yet still recover" movement... I was offered a shorter stay as an Inpatient, because after Cole talked with me, she could see how I wasn't just some delusional walking-talking eating disorder... that I was at least partially sane and truly motivated to work.
Does this mean that I am going to go??? no... but it does give them a few extra brownie points. (Pun intended and not intended). My biggest problem is that there is still a TON of pride in my way of actually admitting that inpatient is even on my list of options. I honestly like being able to say that I am working hard as an OP and that I am pretty fully functioning and don't need to be kept away from the world in a box in order to move foward.
I guess it was just nice to go today and FINALLY get someone there to validate that I was sterotyped and judged harshly and prematurely before. They unintentionally treated me like a number instead of taking a half hour (like Cole did) and figuring out what my true motives were.
My favorite lines from that convo today...
Me: "I really am not a pain in the butt like I used to be..."
Cole:"I know...I'm actually impressed with you. You have matured a LOT since you left here. Don't take this the wrong way... But you are cooler than I thought you were"
(and later when her phone wouldn't stop ringing)
Cole: "UGH.. why can't I just hang here with you instead of dealing with all this garbage?"
Me: "well.. you could tell them that I was such a danger to myself you had to remove all cords from your office, including the phone..."
Cole: (*big smile*) "That's actually brialliant"
Bottom line: It was nice to be treated like an actual human... thanks Cole.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I don't quite know. He is pretty darned attractive.
While I have gotten to a place of acceptance that I am not made out for marriage;
this face and his character in this movie makes that fact harder...
Not only would I lose my new team; I would be AUTOMATICALLY sent to the hospital for a mandatory admit for wt.
When this threat was given on Friday, my roommate and I decided to endearingly call today
"No Tube Tuesday"
It seemed fitting and was humorous enough to keep me from crying about this reality.
Even though I did everything that Lena told me I was nervous that it wasn't going to be enough. That despite my valliant efforts I was going to be sporting a paper gown for my fall fashion.
When I got there this morning Care Bear decided to weigh me first to determine what we were to process through in therapy.
Heart was doing some kind of quick step until she said, "You're good. You made it..."
I already knew that I liked my new therapist; but she continues to amaze me at how gentle she can be. This is a complete 180 from the loud, blunt, almost crude woman who was constantly pushing my buttons as an inpatient....
I liked that crazy therapist; but I don't mind this side either.
It is a feeling that I can't explain when she looked in my eyes and was able to validate my almost year long silent struggle. In that moment she dropped her previos belief that I was just being an attention-seeking brat (who still has her appearances) and realized what was really up. All the while, keeping calm and comforting.
I no longer feel that strong hurt from Le Mansion; as I removed their title as
"The only people who can help me"
While they are still lifesavers, it was time for me to grow up and figuratively move out.
Phew.... No Tube Tuesday ended up being okay. This was not a holiday I was looking foward to.
Instead of panic and fear; I am feeling very grateful.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I think that I should bottle and sell my golden blood that all these people refuse to take because it is so normal and perfect.
The added bonus? It also allows someone to reverse poor EKG results and magically recovers you from your eating disorder in ONLY TWO WEEKS!!!
Hear that people...
Who needs teams and treatment centers... Just a vile of my platelets is all you need...
I think its a hit....
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I believe that I have had to see some a professional of some kind almost daily since I got here.
SO OVER IT...
Got a call from my last doc (Kelly) writing the order for me to go get another EKG done to see if there was change. As I can't find a time that works for me AND the lab for my new doc, the labs my dietician wanted done like 4 days ago..still aren't done.. I called Kelly asking her to please send the lab order with the other so I could save time and do them together. Her nurse kindly called back to tell me that Kelly was not going to write the order as the labs that I did a week and a half ago were normal so there was "no point.." Awesome... The big red sparkly bow on top of this gift of a day was the copy of my test with the words "normal EKG" near the top. WTF!
The immediate scream in my head was, "I FLIPPIN TOLD YOU I was fine!!!!"
Now, I AM happy and relieved that it improved and not worsening, but why in the world did Le Mansion FREAK OUT at me like they did. Seems a tad dramatic if 2 weeks of basically the same intake would change it back.
Obviously, not as cruicial, severe, scary as they made it out to be.
All of this rollercoaster stress of team-no team-inpatient-crap im screwed-scramble-new team.... was completely unnecessary.
I like the people I am now working with... but at what cost...
I am physically exhausted, emotionally strung out and mentally fried.
I have started to doubt my ability to suceed as an outpatient, "because the professionals said so"
Maybe worst of all....the place and people I was taught I could lean on and trust turned their cheek... telling me I wasn't acceptable "as is"... that putting me back in a box was my only way to freedom. Perhaps I should be happy that I could technically team back up with them...
only now I don't want to...
This doesn't feel like progress...
Friday, September 25, 2009
The support I thought I was getting by coming here shocked me by turning me away...
The one person who PROMISED they'd always be by my side, help me, fight for and with me... sat in front of me today and broke that promise. You told me I could trust you, cry in front of you and you wouldn't leave... that you weren't my mother.... well.. you just treated me like she does... This heart stab feels the same...
Im way lost.... I thought I was doing the right thing... for the right reasons....
Im truely trying.... hard... not to give up... but honestly... Im kind of checked out...
ok.. lets try for more honesty..
I honestly expected to get quite a butt kicking when I got back here... FOR SURE...
although.... I honestly was not expecting this...
I am honestly mad, shocked, hurt, confused, lonely (and probably other things) over this whole Timmy situation...
I honestly don't think the ONE OPTION they are giving me is necessary.
its that I honestly don't want to deal with the reality that I let it get here...
That without using their option, it doesn't look good...
Saturday, September 19, 2009
It has been a long time coming and a complete emotional drain.
I am very excited to move but am already
There has been much tears(not mine.. lol), arguing and anger that as of right now; I'm not really feeeling a lot about the whole thing.
I am going to miss the kids like crazy, it will be hard not to be able to help Marco in his bachelor pad, and I would be lying to say that I'd never miss the parentals or this huge house.
I am also aware that I have given this move a lot of meaning and have a lot of things I want to accomplish in this next piece of my journey.... I just hope I am up for it. That I still have it in me.
The goal is to get some sleep tonight.
I really don't need another accident on I-80... especially in my new car.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
While I know that you are probably off somewhere enjoying yourself, thanks to you, I am stuck here trying to find random, mundane and increasingly useless things to do with my time awake...
Yes it is 6 in the AM and
No, I am not just getting up early...
I couldn't think of anything else, so hence the note.
Can I just say that I think that your little prank has run its course? As I watched my 40th straight awake hour pass by earlier this afternoon, I could only sit and wonder how in the world this is helpful. This is one of those landmark feats when you are a freshman in the dorms; insanely seeing how many simultaneous hours you could stay up; just so that they can brag about it for the next, like, week. Yup, freshmen are stupid (me most definitely included)... its not that cool.
Now I am quite good at "winging it" in front of the world so that they don't EVER catch on that I have some faulty internal clock that never strikes "sleep time." So on days/weeks that Im not snoozing I make sure that I am peppy, not whining about being tired and wearing plenty of concealer. I know that part of my sleep issue right now is all the stress, responsibilities and endless trivial errands that are having to be done as all 6 of us are moving into 3 new places at the same time.... This creates anxiety by excessive To-Do Lists, steering clear of emotional mothers, and lots and lots of moving/box/garbage/goodwill MESS.... (not a fan)...
Whats my point for tonight??? Im not entirely sure, only that it seems like my departure isn't coming any sooner. Everytime I feel like I have stepped closer to getting completely ready, there is a fellow moving sufferer in crisis closeby. Its constant waves of that weighty feeling that says, 'I know I am leaving, but it feels like I am never getting out of here...'
and while I can't solely blame my insomnia; all this shhtuff that we're trying to accomplish, is just rockin' me physically... and I mean hardcore..
All my lovely "symptoms" can just knock it off now (ie...compression socks never have been in style. Honestly...)
Moving also isn't an automatic cure;
but for now,
its what I'm looking foward to.
So while I'd prefer to get some z's in the next few days as the "BIG MOVE" for the parents is on Saturday, all I have to say to you is...
I will be getting those brain waves back before I pack up my new car. Vacation or not...
Monday, August 31, 2009
I have nothing poetic to say tonight either; just wanted to leave a lil' update for any who want one.
My last day at work is one week from Tues. I am excited, nervous, ready and sad all at the same time. I have found family at The Cheese and there are a few I am going to have a hard time parting with. (I'll also miss being able to write my own schedule...)
I will hopefully be all moved and settled quite soon after that so that I can spend my birthday with people my own age... the big two-one... Milestone here people... milestone. Then, as long as Max stops procrastinating, I will be transferred and meeting my "Cheese family #2" a week after that.. Fingers crossed...
I have been spending most of my time at work, or not being at the new house, or not caring enough to argue about my car/move/money/choices...etc... Explanation.. I work a TON to keep me distracted from my "stressors".... The new house (which is truly beautiful and HUGE) makes me surprisingly angry; so I avoid it there... and arguing is just not my forte so, I'm really trying to steer clear of the parentals right now.
Also, I think there was both a verbal and non-verbal decision as well to restart working through my craziness upon my return to the Wasatch. I have been sporadically emailing and updating Timmy and when I told her about the move... it seems as though we will not be working together again....
Do I blame her? no... as much as we get along and love each other, I totally understand that I am not the easiest client; (thank you to my lovely sarcasm and complete disregard of emotion.....) I also haven't seen her or talked to her to show my level of commitment; which would explain some hesitation on her end...
I get it... I know that... "On paper".... I suck. No doubt about that.. But, spend 5 minutes talking to me... and there's no doubt that I'm ready and willing to really go at it... Its no bueno to get denied by one who promised they'd never leave.... What does that tell ya???
Do I blame her? no... she's probably right in steering clear...
Am I bummed? unbelievably so.
But I am still moving, and I still made the committment to try therapy again.
It's been almost 11 months since I've sat on a couch.
And even though it wont be Timmy's, I can't back out of that choice now.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Me: "I've always been quiet!! I don't get it and don't know what you want from me. "
Her: "Nothing!!! I'm DONE! I can't have what's not there. Once again I have to learn that what I want, you can't give me."
aww... warm and fuzzy....thanks mom..
All that positive planning and "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" shtuff that I had going on my plane rides today; gone down with the buildup of unused saliva.
night one of silence.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
A Book is...
a hitchhiker's guide,
a road to time travel,
a ticket to ride.
a mystery unsolved,
(in which you will soon
be directly involved).
A windfall in lap-land,
a bedside surprise,
a serving of sun,
under rain speckled skies.
but lemon meringue,
the kit and caboodle,
The big enchilada,
the whole ball of wax,
what makes for such happy
Written By: J. Patrick Lewis
Friday, August 14, 2009
She wasn't here.
and Im really sorry girls.. But I'm done.
There is only so much rah-rah that I can handle.
I am not in process/testimony meeting/cry till you drop mode.
I've spent 10 months without a treatment team for a reason.
I don't want to go back to Cali,
but being here is rough.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
I woke the kids up today after their nap (for whatever reason, Sunday School poops them out and they'll sleep forever if you don't step in..)
I picked Boo up and sat in the chair with her letting her wake up slow.
She gave me a big squeeze, put her groggy, sweaty little cheek next to mine and whispered,
"stephie.... are we best friends forever?"
melt. sigh. smile. love!
"yes Boo.. forever."
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Fiddling on the comp, Max (GM at work) deleted next weeks schedule that took Stace and I over 2 hours to finish the first time.
It HAS to be posted before the managers leave after the Fri. shift; Stacey is out of town; so after I closed my section at 12:45am,
I wrote the schedule... again.
It is admittedly harder to be sympathetic to the needs of 154 servers at 3 AM...
I always want to be fair, so I hope there isn't too much whining.
anywho... I have to be awake again in less than 2 hours as I am running the New Hire Server Orientation class-er-roonie at 8.
Hope those kids weren't wanting to learn anything today...
School bell will ring around 2 and my 2nd shift starts at 4:30.Sat.night server...
and again I'm closing..
Its going to be interesting...
I would already be in bed if my darned uniform was safely in the dryer so
all I have to do is iron in the morning.
24 minutes and counting.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Dick Clark Productions has pulled rank over YouTube and removed like ALL the videos from this season. So... I can't post more video love... Lamate.
Decision: Even though I am scared, I am going on my trip.
...After all, I am an Alum.
This is not a poem... This... is finding muddy shoes on your perfectly swept porch.
I'm thinking that I woke up that morning feeling more lonely than usual.
Thinking that I did not want to help drop off the kids.
That I was bummed that mom was needing to go into the office today;
leaving me home with myself.
Doesn't she know that I can't keep my brain at bay when I'm alone
with nothing to do ALL DAY?!?
It shames me to say that I spent that whole morning in behaviors,
the whole... flippin... morning...
trying to run from the lame feeling that told me
over and over
that I was being "left."
I thought it was about mom going to work.
I swished water as the phone rang...
shock. clarity. system crash. blank.
Now I know why the "left" feeling would not quiet.
I was wrong to guess it was about mom.
and I wasn't there.
Not physically near you, to hear or help
and all of my energy went to try and still my obnoxious heart
as it fought to rip out and be there too...
it knew before I did.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
My poor pillow is unemployed
There are only so many words you can read,
blogs you can type,
BS distractions you can try
before you just can't.
and me, eyes open
with only thoughts to mark time
leads to this said "fall apart" place.
Monday, August 3, 2009
I am so sad Janette is not in the finale.
If a boy wins: Brandon
If a girl: Jeanine
As part of this whole task where I try writing down memories before they permanently vacation without me; I keep looking at different things, places I've been, and around the house just to see what I can stir up...
and as soon as I tapped into one today; I have a bunch of little lovelies that have to do with the staircase in my house.
so... lets play with a few..
*I am 9ish and I played a new game today. Mom got Marco a new big-boy bed that looks like a race car, so we need Daddy to get home to take the old mattress away. Marco asked me to play "pretend" with him and turn the mattress into a "SUPER COOL SLED" so we can ride it down the stairs (I mean....the crazy tall hill of snow.. duh...).
We did this for hours, getting more and more daring at how to sit or ride to the bottom before Mom finally stomped out our game... We weren't thrilled at the time, but she probably saved some brain cells.
*I am 6. Today is my birthday party!!! And I get to have a sleepover with more than one friend. We played with my Polly Pockets and everything was fine until we started chasing each other and Katie slipped on the way down the stairs. She was still wearing her socks, even when I told her not to...She did not flip over, but she is crying and scared and I hope she wont decide not to sleep over anymore. I shouldn't have let them chase her... She definitely got spooked, had the wind knocked out of her and was mellow the rest of the night. But we had been friends since kindergarden and she is still my sister in my 20's. So, she stuck around to make the trip up and down those same stairs countless times since then. She still likes to say that she "almost died" at my house. I've also gotten my head stuck between 2 rails, both Mom and Marco have tripped on the stairs; as did I at about some young tot age. At the bottom, my eyes had rolled to the back of my head, and I didn't cry until after my mom called my doctor for the emergency. Marco fell from near the top and grabbed the stair rail hoping to break his fall, but ended up bringing it with him as a souvenir. We had the holes from that side rail there for years before fixing it.
*I am 19 and visiting the family for a short break. I miss Utah but I am glad to see the babies and they are getting way too big. JBubby tonight was walking down the stairs trying to hold onto his toys, lost his grip on them and watched them tumble the rest of the way down.
Mom: Jack! you can't say things like that.....
J: "What Mommy?, I didn't say damnit."
Yup... I wish I could have a picture of her face.
*.. I am a young student and working on my goal to become the "best counter EVER".... I wanted to show everyone how high I could count, that I could get to the "big numbers." So on my way to bed I would HAVE to count all 14 stairs on the way up as I walked them. If I hesitated or messed up and somehow got to 15 at the top, I had to go back to the bottom and start all over.
*I am 20, watching mom follow Boo and Bubby up to bed. She gets them to giggle as she tries to bop or pinch their cute "apple-ettes (aka..their bum)." I smile as I love how they laugh... then I chuckle to myself as I realize that these kids will be able to walk normally up the stairs as adults. People will actually get to check out Boo Bear's jean pockets on the way to class.. When they get to the new house, there are no stairs, so no more bottoms for mom to bug on the way up... The cycle ends here.
I still can't have people behind me on the stairs, and I don't EVER go slow. I always trot or skip steps to get to the top faster or Ill go practically sideways my bum facing the wall. I'll catch myself in a busy public place, walking with one hand shielding my bum without even realizing it. Then Im caught giggling TO MYSELF in that same public place at how it amuses me that this has become so automatic.
Either way... Me on stairs... looks silly.
*I am 6,8,9,11,13,16... (heck use them all. I probably even did it this last week.) I am sitting on the stairs, where others can't see, just to listen.
Either to Mom and Dad arguing in their room (right at the top of the stairs),
in Dad's room (later on...under the stairs),
Mom and Dad arguing downstairs (they really must think our walls are magic),
Marco and Mom going at it over some undone chore,
Mom crying on the phone, on the floor, in the bathroom, or to any combination of people about gosh knows what.
I also sit listening to Mom singing to the kids,
Dad brushing his teeth,
JBubby reading to Boo or making up songs in the bath,
Stan-o flipping through all 6 million ESPNs and Marco writing new lyrics with his guitar.
From my stairs, I can watch the world...
While here... I am never left out.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Tonight though, I need to do it..I just finished an hour+ of Facebook chatting with an eating disorder... The girl I wanted to talk to decided not to show up at the keyboard today, and let her negative mind do all the typing. And while talking about specific behaviors, numbers, etc really doesn't trigger me; I had a hard time not getting a bit pumped up. I felt like all I was doing was playing devil's advocate, being that person that contradicts everything you say in the hopes that you can see even the slightest ounce of irrationality of your statements. I hate doing that though because, as the true person was not listening, this only would get frustrating to her....
or, I wouldn't say anything.. These were times when no words (at least in the language I know) could be organized into a statement that could ever be interpreted as helpful. I could have said the deepest, truest, most perfect thing to ever be said at that moment, but it wouldn't even register... so I chose silence...
I want her to get it SO badly that I could never even think to give up on her. I don't think there is a point in time when it is appropriate for me to give up on anyone. But I get that, at least for right now, I'm not helping... that what she needs, I can't give her. So maybe that frustration I found at her comments was more at myself.
Point being... I HAVE to start doing "assignments" again... For a couple weeks now I have been passively trying to think of things that I would probably be given IF therapy was part of my weekly schedule... It made me feel that I was doing work... mind you, I never started any of them... I can see now that just making the list, while a step, is not really an example of progression. I also can see that I can't seem to find enough motivation to do something "hard" without having accountability in place. While only a handful of people can read this, at least I wrote it somewhere... Showing that JUST NOW I committed to doing these.
I'm also challenging myself to post them here. I can't stay afraid of what I am doing, who I am and what I think....
Letting Go of the Strings
- Fears toward "Full Recovery"
- Therapy with Timmy? At all? (process)
- Holy Memory
- Secrets List- stuff I couldn't find the courage to say in the Center... not even to Timmy
- Permission to Grieve
- Relapse- what got me there, the thoughts and behaviors that keep me here
- "That word"
- Hitting a wall... Anger... Why I snapped? (Process)
- Letter of Hope
Somewhere down the line,
someone will be writing a post for their blog,
venting about the fruitless conversation they just finished having with
a brick wall.
A wall who at one point
resembled their once very real human friend...
The wall that now stands in the way;
too tall for me to hear them
even while standing right behind it.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
To me, the best feeling in the world is getting a Boo or JBubby squeeze.
Which may seem weird, as I'm not big on hugging...
What I love most about nights when I don't have work, is the ability to hear the kids say their nighttime prayers. They pray for the smallest, most otherwise forgotten things, that they can cherish just as much as their favorite toy. I learn so much from them on where to look for my blessings.
A while back, I started to write down the ones they said that really stuck out to me. The list started the night I sat at the table and heard J say this...
"Thank you for this food, for Daddy's Birthday and Thank you God for pepper."
Tonight I was watching the kids as the parentals went out to a party; which means I got to do the bedtime rituals with them alone.
I can't even describe the peace that settles in that room.
Where darkness usually terrifies me, and quiet never equals calm, I was able to sit in it, close my eyes and hear Boo be thankful for her princess panties and listen to my little man pray,
As I sat between their two beds, rubbing both their backs while they fell asleep, I felt more still than I've been able to in weeks, maybe the most still since moving back here. I looked at them both and couldn't believe that I was allowed to be a piece of something so wonderful.
I asked Heavenly Father to help them always be able to recognize the seemingly small blessings in their lives; as this gift could help them through so much hurt in the future. I know that they will have trials, so I asked for His help so they won't doubt their worth or purpose, as I did. I asked that they will always be provided for nor will they be abandoned... I didn't ask for their lives to be perfect; because I know that isn't possible... But for as much as I love them,
please keep them safe and constantly reminded of the love they can already feel...
like a hand on their back as they drift to sleep.
So, Thank you God for J and Boo and chalk for hopscotch making. Thank you for flashlights and bedtime stories...
Friday, July 31, 2009
I am 6 or 7 years old. I am the child that likes to play alone or just sit and read. I have spent close to a WHOLE HOUR building a dreamy log cabin mansion from my Lincoln Logs. I even had a full roof and some form of a chimney going on... I was so proud of my perfect little masterpiece. It looked pretty sweet.
I ran out of the playroom to find Marco (who is 4ish) and basically drag him back to come marvel at my feat.
Tells me that it looks cool
Then kicks the cabin like the soccer ball he's not supposed to be playing with in the house. Mom said.
My mouth dropped open in shock.
I didn't tattle, I just cried while organizing the pieces back in the box.
This is a favorite Marco Moment. While I definitely didn't find it funny at the time, we both die laughing every time it comes up now; because he is still the exact same pain in the butt little brother. He didn't do it to be menacing or cruel. He did it because at that moment, he thought it would be funny and that it would introduce some mess (literally) into my world and basically he just felt like it. This is the same motivation behind every butt-head thing he does now. Bud, you are still the only one who can put that mouth drop look on my face as fast as you can; a prize you wear proudly. How do I know?
You still get that smirk...
Last night I was up again until after the sun decided to join this hemisphere, which really doesn't make me giggle. Insomnia has decided to come in and be that clingy friend in 8th grade homeroom, that you just want to leave you alone but she won't catch the hint. Annoying right?
While I love having A BUNCH of extra time to read, play around with a blog and whatever else I decide to do; weeks on end of all nighters isn't all that great and wonderful.
As July comes to a close and August rolls on in, I'm feeling...... well.. not much...
August to me was supposed to be a big month... The month the fam moves, Marco turns 18, gets my truck, takes over this house with the band, I get a new car, go to the alumni event, come back for Marco's bday, then make the permanent move back to the Wasatch. August is here... and not all of the above is going down this month. and I can say that I am really sad, or disappointed about it all.. which I sorta-kinda am; but really I just let it all keep rolling along.
I've been thinking a lot about the Alumni shindig happening in a couple weeks. I wanted to go, I have a spot reserved, but do I actually need to go?
I would love to;
have a reunion with my sisters,
get a Timmy hug and maybe even a repeat of last years butt kicking contest on the lawn,
get my revamp by mixing 3 tbs of loving pos. affirmations with copious "sprinkles" of honesty....
Flip side being that I don't think I'll have a car by then, and spending money on the trip doesn't seem like the most practical/convenient choice. I know those things are important, but I think my fear gets in the way of this trip more than the "money" issue...
I want to see all those people, but I don't necessarily want all them to see me. While everyone is invited to come celebrate their alumni-ness, I don't want to be one of those girls that gets put on the list like the one before Life Strategies... The one that says "while we would love to have you, coming to the event may not be the best move for the other girls or for you.."
...and if any single person would be able to see behind my smile filled show as "The Amazingly Functioning Addict," it would be any one of these women. We can't fool each other with the games we all play like pros. This is signing myself up to be surrounded by dozens of my fellow Hall of Famers.
Or, maybe even more scary, that I'll see Timmy and she'll tell me that she wouldn't be able to work with me when I returned. that I am not doing enough to carry my share of the work involved. I know her rules, expectations and conditions for being one of her outpatients. And, I wouldn't blame her for not signing herself up to watch me constantly balance on the fence. That's not to say that I can't or won't do the work (because I think I truly can), but I haven't proven that to her.. I just don't think I'm ready to handle hearing that.
...not from her
Maybe I truely shouldn't go and just stop thinking about it. Maybe it wouldn't be healthy for me, nor fair for those I am with.
But, maybe the reasons I don't want to go...are exactly the reasons I should... that it is worth the lost gas money, the potential looks or comments.
That being able to recognize myself as an alumni, which must count for something, would be worth the 'inconvenience' .. Who knows... maybe you do.... share the wealth!
Its after 4 so I'm off to my nightly race with the sun. If I don't win, maybe I'll just sneak to the other side of the world. Its sleepy time somewhere!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
eyes never took their break
too heavy to lift
to sore to shut
My talk with C yesterday really had me thinking... I actually think she and I can get each other to cut the BS faster than any other friendship can. I got her to dig under her apathetic exterior and pinpoint the truly intense fear she was running from. And she was able put words to my previously unexplainable anguish of trying to be a part of my family here and simulatenously wanting to sprint away from them.
She's good at calling my game. If I do not leave here soon, I probably won't leave at all... And if I don't leave, I doubt I will find the drive nor will I trust myself or anyone else enough to get my crazy ass back into therapy. And all this intangible stuff I'm hoarding inside won't get looked at, and self-destructive cycles will continue to make permanent cracks in what is left of my presentably functional life.
"It breaks my heart to say this, but its honest friend; if you don't move, you won't make it. Maybe not this month, or next, or even this year... but it will get you."
She's not trying to make me feel hopeless. She hasn't given up on me, so don't think either.
She's trying to motivate me like Timmy could.
By using the kind of lines that, once said, can only be followed by a longer silence just to try and sop up some of the abundant truth that just spilled out everywhere.
...and if I remove all the BS that I've smeared over my awareness detector, shes probably right. As much as I would like to think that Superhuman Me can somehow get the reality check I've been needing and pull myself out; that's bogus. I floated somewhere above reality for too long, and now in order to make actual strides forward, going back to a team is my only option. This may make it seem like things are out of control behavior-wise for me... They aren't. I'm sure a dietary bum-kicking is needed; but I am referring mostly to the power of those darned emotions I seem to underestimate.
I came home last fall trying to help my family with all the little dramas at home. This quickly turned to being the "oldest and strongest" when we were hit with an even bigger loss, and then with the horrible truth that came out the month after. The whole time I thought that my only motive was to continue being the All-Star-Caretaker that I am; but C pointed to another I'd never seen.
Not only have I stuck around here to help "save" people that probably don't need me to, but I was testing, once again, to see if I could find myself the sense of family I have been missing. If my mom could figure out how to support me this time home, if I could belong. If I could be working towards independence and be a child.
I don't know why the repetitive head beating is unsuccessful at knocking the fact that I cannot go back and somehow magically retrieve my lost childhood and parents into me Whether is was someones fault or not, I missed out on being a kid and having a parent to look to for support. This isn't good or bad or wrong etc.. etc..
But, it is this hurt that C knows will 'get me' if I don't put myself in an environment where I can find peace and acceptance with it soon. I need to stop waiting for something to show up that can't. I need to get lonely, sad, angry and whatever else, and move on. The alternative being that I will keep pretending it doesn't influence me and addiction will continue to run my show... through food, OCD, substances, some new method, or anger that makes you hit walls.. (stupid wall..)
and like C said,
one of those will win.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
It felt most fitting to start with the phone.
(my thoughts at the time are in italics)
Sitting in the driver's seat of the Yukon felt like the best option. No one could hear me, no way mom could be sneakily sitting outside the door to listen. My leg was probably doing some uncontrollable jig as I waited for the inevitable ring....
'Hi, my name is Timmy and I am a therapist here at Le Mansion....'
(Notice the pure shi-shi attitude from moment 1. At least I've been consistent.)
I tried to remain calm while wanting to just die-on-spot trying to imagine all the horrible sorts of questions were next.... Horrible Questions... you know...Name? Address? Best Phone Number to reach you? Age? See?.... all questions of the horrible sort.
I could probably guess at most of what she asked me as I most likely answered the same ones 7 zillion times after I admitted to "Le Mansion" a year and a half later.... but I'm trying to stick to what I remember.
At some point in the call, I said something totally eating disordered, some ridiculous extreme rationalizion, something almost rudely sarcastic... or even more likely....something containing all three; but it was the first time I heard Timmy do her little laugh-scoffsie at me. The sound I will at some point learn to mean "I cant believe you would think or say something like that... (insert laugh scoff)... we're going to have to do some work to do on that one.."
The end of my intake assessment went something like this...
Her: "I really appreciate you talking with me today... I know it wasn't easy... I truly enjoyed getting to know you... I will give this information to our Clinical Director, and give you a call back with a team plan that we feel would be best for you, okay?"
(Ms. Cole, I still want to see these dice & there is nothing but love for you now...)
She called back 2 days later, telling me that the "Director" thought I should see some other therapist, but that she asked to have the chance to work with me herself. "I know you won't believe me now, but I really connected with you and think that we could work really well together. I think we will have more in common than either of us realizes. You may not want to, which I would understand, I just wanted to give the option to you."
If only I knew then that "this person" would become the anchor in my life that she did... that that voice I first heard on the phone would be the only one that could keep me grounded when my spinning world had me blind and paralyzed, that the rooms we gathered in were the safest I would find on the planet. My experience with recovery and the Mansion has been 100% Timmy. I can't even give take the small percentage point from my assessment from her. I thank the forces that got my availability and her only phone assessment time slot to match. If not, I could be writing of my journey as Espra's Grasshopper or as the Hoyt Hater.