Tuesday, July 26, 2016

My Little Loves

I love lots of things... So I made this page in my art journal... 

•Lists, Lists, Lists• Thunder and lightning• Game of Thrones• Smell of rain• salsa verde• deer poo ice• tortillas• Reading Dates• Netflix• Volleyball bruises• porch swings• Piano• Betsy• Pillows• Scalding hot showers• Target• Dun Nation• Libraries• General Conference• Gilmore Girls• Kelson• The Olympics• Alex and Ani• Cafe Rio• Handwritten letters• painting my toes• Purell• puddle jumping• heart to hearts• My cardigan family• a fresh shave• My Timmy blanket• The Walking Dead• Pentatonix• Russian Literature• popcorn• Marc Alan• The Oxford Comma• Song lyrics• Sunsets• Days Off• Bookcases• gel pens• My mini-mission to Slovakia• Maxwell• "My Drink"= 1/2 Diet Cole and 1/2 Dr. Pepper•  Criminal Minds• Ice cold milk• Jack Stephen• Milk Duds• Jigsaw puzzles• Hope• Goodbye Books• Fairy tales• Architecture• Coral colored anything• Oatmeal cookies• Celestial Rooms• Carmela Alejandra• Kelime Cheesecake• Balloons to Heaven• new pens• Spotify• Crooked pinkies• Summer storms• ECards• Blogging• Jewel Ann• Colored Skinnies• Football season• Castles• Inside Jokes• Psychology• So you Think You Can Dance• Bonge Watching• Traditions• Oreos• Nicknames (for EVERYTHING)• Clarissa• Laying out to tan• Volleyball• Bookclub• Journals• Golden State Warriors• Silent laughter• Ashley Oink• Mint green• Deadliest Catch• Doing the dishes• My mom• collages• Fall fashion• Cookie dough• Sheet music• Sherlock Holmes• New Restaurant Openings (NROs)• Temple Hopping• Office supplies• Timmy and Teffie• Sleeping in• Gymnastics• People Watching• Memoirs• Washi Tape• Snail mail• All things Harry Potter• Polka dots• Maxwell snuggles• Fonts• We 💜 it• Duani• MAC makeup• hugs• iTunes• Scarves• 49ers• French fries• Tumblr• Mich Grassi• Neuroscience• Momma Shelli• Packing• Ellipses• Movie night• Rapping (trying to)• Dr. Drew Pinksy• Amazon Prime• Swig cookies• Bare Minerals• ER• Balloons for my Daddy• Oatmeal• House M.D.• Pinterest• Eminem• Goodreads• Stephen Curry• Reading by flashlight• Superfruit• Dry shampoo• Survivor• Amazing Race• Chunky sweaters• Post Its and tabbities• Jenny Lawson• Cheesecake Factory pins• Movie quotes• Finishing the last page of a journal• Jack Bauer• "My Quarter" from Kim• Wordsearches• Good hair days• Lara Love• Autumn leaves• Waterfalls• PINK sweats and hoodies• Starfish• IMDB• My kindle library• Shellby• #KenandKendallDancing• Smelly Stan• "Butterfly Kisses"• Frooties• Shemar Moore• What's Up Doc and Clue movie nights• Instagram• The perfect song for that moment• Emily Elizabeth Roe• Vacuuming• Reading through old journals (mostly to laugh at myself)• Pam (my Sis)• Splash Brothers• Art journals• Crape Myrtle Trees• Chelsea "Chip"• Marathon chats with Pam• hoodies• blogging• Reading• All things Chelsea Handlet• Singing in the car• Organizing• Kneaders Pumpkin Bread• Clocking out at work• Wandering through bookstores• Fun and Warm socks• C.S. Lewis• iPod• Scömìche• Cleaning• Time with my sibs• My Patriarchal Blessing• My Quote Book• Brenè Brown• Sound of the ocean• Stickers• New garments• Aqua• JCW dollar cones and shakes• laughing with Marc• Space heaters• Freshly laundered sheets• Purple• salt• Giggle fits• Swear words• Cards Against Humanity• Brie "Twin"• reading in the sun• helping others• Butterflies• Being completely covered with blankets• Modge Podge• Baseball tees• Double Rainbows• Dr. Ellis• Big Bang Theory• Espra• Pretending I can dance• Ticket stubs• Music Therapy with Lynette• Floral Prints• Frashly mowed grass• Guardian angels• Journal tryouts• charcoal gray• Listening• Movies• Accents

Obviously I love lots of things and I am sure there are many more than I can't think of. But this have me the chance to back back and remember all the things I care about in life. Hopefully you'll learn something new about me. 


Saturday, September 13, 2014

Hell Days.

Another attempt at a fresh start on this blog. Maybe it is because I so desperately need one. Maybe I am running scared to my Blogger because I can't seem to get myself to use my actual words... I guess that it doesn't really matter.
I am here...

Welcome to September!!!
September is my beast of burden... I know that it sounds childish, or melodramatic, or uncessary to hate an entire month... But, I'm feeling like an unecessary, dramatic child.

I wish that I was able to take these 30 days in stride. Have a couple days here and there, but still be able to maintain my head above high water. But, year after year I am proving myself wrong.

I myself am almost ALLERGIC to acknowledging my feelings and then actually ALLOWING myself to express those difficult emotions... I feel like I have tried to crawl my way through these 30 days for the last several years. I don't think I have been very successful in that goal so far.
And this may come off as whiny, or attention seeking, or like I am looking to the couple people who read this to "feel bad" for me... And I assure you that that's not the case.

I started just typing this list for me. In order to hopfully validate my own experience. So that by getting all of these down, I would be able to sit back and look at the cluster fuck mess that is September, that I would be able to allow myself 10 minutes to not try to "be better, be more effective, be more present, be more helpful... be MORE..."

I also know that there are things on this list that are not negative things. I GET THAT... But, for anyone who deals whose has or does deal with depression, axiety, or grief, YOU know that even Big Important Days (for positive reasons) can be just as overwhelming.

So, Here it goes...

6th- Best Friend's Birthday... Born pretty close to each other at home in CA. Only 8 Days my senior... Old Hag ;) 
11th- Patriots Day. Another Birthday of a close friend.... and just 2 days ago THIS YEAR, was the day we put our family dog of 15 years down. Unexpected just how DEVASTATED I took this.
12th- Another new date this year... My mom's birth father passed away. We haven't been super close to that part of our family for so many years, but he's still my grandpa.My mom was scheduled to fly out here today (13th) for the weekend to be here with me for my birthday and to help support me through a couple of the harder days of the month for me coming up. She isn't coming. Rightfully so. She said that it would be smarter to be around A LOT more people from home right now. But I can't help but feel disappointed... I'm a selfish child. I know.
14th- Birthday Girl. Made it to my late 20's... SCARY!!! Finally old enough to not have my health insurace covered by my family. Oi Vey!
15th- (slightly removed.) But the anniversary of my stepdad's dad's death. He died the year that S came into our family, but it is still another big date to weigh on the hearts of our family.
16th- 6th anniversary date of my daddy passing away. Always too hard to get excited and enjoy my birthday knowing that just hours away was the day I lost my hero. Still 6 yrs later, but not much easier. 
23rd- 3rd anniversary date of the day I lost one of my closest friends to suicide. Cheesy I know, (But Em and I made A Pinkie Promise together the last time we saw each other, promising one another that we would NEVER give up fighting for recovery and for our lives. 
25th- 2 Year anniversary of a sexual assault. Enough said on that really.

I started drawing a calendar into my Art Journal.... And rather than numbering each day of the calendar, they are just 30 circles across one page each one filled with a drawing/ color representation of the day. Not the most colorful month for me...

I told my family at the beggining of this month... Partially joking- mostly serious: That they had 30 days in order to do WHATEVER  they needed to do, so that we could make it through this month with only those said days that eat at my heart relentlessly... I jinxed myself... Because we have been torn wide open with 2 deaths in 2 days...

I don't know what to do!
I know that things are harder than maybe they could or should be because I don't actually have a treatment team at the moment... and given that, I think that I have done a pretty damn good job managing to not do anything drastic or stupid. And that truly is an acommplishment. But I would give almost anything to be able to curl up and cry with Timmy, or to have Reese sit across from me and lovingly tell me that I can do this. I need that. But, as of now, it's not an option...

So, I wrote these things down, hoping seeing them all in a list, I could cut myself some slack for not feeling like I am managing myself well. Not sure if it worked...

But, There is no hiding my hatred for this month. Some people celebrate an entire "Birthday Month." I call September, "The Beast," and "Hell Days."

so, in closing.

You know that you are the hardest month of the year for me. I already asked if we could have no new/extra shitty situations to face... and that didn't happen...
But, if you could PLEASE knock it off... 7 soul crushers in 7 days is growing unbearable.
My calandar already has too many Fun Sparkly Stickers on it. Cause I couldn't find any depressing stickers to collage over the top at the scrapbook store. It's looking a little bit tacky.

Monday, June 30, 2014

I'm Goin' on a Camping Trip

I was presented with an interesting opportunity yesterday while perusing my News Feed on Facebook. Twin posted that she was excited about starting at Camp NaNoWriMo on Tuesday. That Camp will serve as a sort of catalyst for her to continue working to get her novel completed.
What is this? I'm intriuged! Trurns out that in the months of July and November (november being National Novel Writing Month) this site opens up to thousands of budding novelists, so that they can give themselves the chance to put themselves on a month long spree to write like crazy... Giving them the chance to put their words out there, get feedback and encouragement throughout the month. Virtual Writing Camping... I was hooked. What could possibly go wrong?
Now I find that I am not so sure. I "technically" have a blog, (this blog) that I have never been able to string longer than a couple of consequtive months of posting on. Becoming a published writer has been on my Bucket List for years; that I want to write my own book, tell MY story... That goal has sat there, a dream floating in my mind for a long time... I have spent more of my free time reading and writing for most of my life... But I have found myself stuck teetering back and forth.... There's the short-lived, intense spark of fire and confidence telling me, "Why not? You absolutely could do that! There has to be someone, somewhere who would be able to surf on that crazy brainwave that I live on" Then to, "Nobody would want to read what you have to say. It's not that exciting, not smart enough, clever enough, original or important enough to have any one but yourself to take the time and enjoy reading through." And that's when my dream balloon would slowly deflate back down into hiding until the next gust comes through.
But I jumped on the idea and told Twin that I wanted to join in. That I wanted to write my own book, that I could do it too. Even though the start of this Write-a-Thon was less than 2 days away and I had NO concrete idea as to what I wanted my marathon story to be. Will I tell "My Story" as a memoir, as a fictional story with a character plot that mirrors my own experience, or some other random story coming together that has absolutely nothing to do with me? Perhaps I have inflated my balloon a bit too early to last through this party.
But, tomorrow Camp NaNoWriMo opens and I have a goal of 50,000 words to hit by the end of the month. I am in a Private Camp Cabin, with I believe 5 other aspiring writers, who know each other through some degree of association. So, I guess these 5 are going to have front row seats to my potentially disappointing circus act. Which is the cause of a bunch of my anxiety. But, I suppose that in the chance that my Writing Act is not as hard on the eyes as I fear- Hey! At least 5 people were there to see it! 

I have only been camping three times in my entire life, and I have never found it enjoyable. I have woken up panicked and disoriented with vertigo, bug bitten, burned by a ember from our campfire, and stuck painfully holding my bladder and bowels for 3 days until I could get back to a civilized and sanitary bathroom.
I am pretty far from being a Priss, but apparently involunatry constipation in the wilderness is where I draw the line.
Hopefully, I come back from Camp in one piece.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Sunday Funnies (Week 48)

Haven't posted in several months... 
Decided to come out of the woodwork and post something... 
Something profound... 

Also, spending all 100% of that time turning around in circles making sure the hot water is distributing and dreading the moment I need to step out into the cold.

About as profound as it gets...

And with that, I have a concert and a world saving debate I am now late for.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Living... Breathing... Thinking...

I am sorry that I haven't really been posting recently. Things here have been a bit hectic and so blogging kind of fell to the wayside. Not that I didn't go through day to day things and trying to catalog them away to try and blog about them later that evening... Which then would never happen. Mostly because I have been completely exhausted.

I have spent most of June in and out of ER's and admitted to try and get my medication and my heart and kidney functions to normalize. They have been all over the place for a while. And each day things just got more difficult to fake away, more in the forefront of everything that I tried to do.

So, unfortunately, mostly, I have been trying to keep my panic level under control, keep my body from flipping the bird at me. All without a ton of success.

While I was admitted in the hospital last week, I was pulled aside to talk to my medical doctor whom I see outside of the hospital. His office is like 2 blocks away, and he walked over in order to chat with me... He took me outside to the otherwise Off-Limits Courtyard.
We ended up talking for over an hour. I NEVER cry around doctors, never tell them I am in pain, never give them much of anything really. But, I CRIED with him.
I have been feeling so hopeless... so lost... almost too exhausted to give even a half an ounce from my "Resiliency Reserve Tank."
I knew that I would receive an A for effort, but I was still weakly treading water. And this straight A student could care less about throwing her perfect little crown in the nearest dumpster.

He started broadly talking about spirituality (these conversations can end semi okay or VERY badly with me), so I am sure that there was a lot of flinching and fidgeting while I sat there.
He told me that he had just finished reading "Mere Christianity" By C.S. Lewis (one of my FAVES)... and that the main concept that he kept hearing throughout the book centered on hope. He said that he knew that from where I was sitting... Giving up was not a crazy idea. That the work I have been doing would induce that in anyone.

He said, slowly, pausing trying to wait for my shallow breaths to subside for a sec...
"Stephanie, As long as you are Living, Breathing, and Thinking... It's not over... It isn't too late."

I sat for a second and tried to process that in, while simultaneously working on bringing oxygen into my body... Then I looked a little confused.... And CP picked up on that immediately... There are people who are alive, but are unable to breathe on their own... There are people alive who have no grasp on logical reality. Their thinking is incorrect. (He then went off on a disclaimer that people who suffer in those ways are not lost causes... )
More... He wanted to show me that by bowing out of the fight now, was "stupid," because "You aren't done. It may feel that way... But, it's not over for you... You still have all three. You can still do it."
This is the words that greet me every time I go to see CP
"Respect is earned
Honesty is appreciated
Trust is gained
Loyalty is returned"

Of course that brought forth small scale water works.

I can hear what he is saying... and logically I know that he is right. I have SO many people who are fighting along side me right now. So many people on CP's mantra for the day. And even if my depression pushes his well intended motivation away for a bit... it has stuck. And I am still here.

Living... Breathing... Thinking...

And to add to that... Fighting; even if only by lifting my head up each morning when I feel sick, exhausted, hopeless.

That and we spend time each session reading the quote on his wall.

I kind of LOVE working with him. His compassion matched with the fact that he is a world class listener (unlike many professionals)... I know that I have landed myself a gem..

What do you all think about these 2 quotes? The quote he shared with me in the courtyard... Or the one painted on his office wall? There may been some flaws in the first quote... But, I can't seem to stop saying it on repeat through my mind. And I go so far as to squint my eyes open each morning making sure that I can check off all 3 from the List... Still alive, breathing by a yawning attach, and still having 339485039485 thoughts starting their daily sprint. Then mentally saying to myself... "Well I guess that's not it for me today..."
Has anyone ever said anything to you in a Beyond Low moment that you were able to use to push you forward?

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Sunday Funnies (Week 26)

Happy 2013 Half Birthday Sunday!

Oh... Isn't this the truth!

It bugs me every time I open this stupid game that I ever opened this game's Can O' Worms.

But, I can't help it... Those darned chocolates. 

Happy Birthday Ems

I miss her everyday. I wish that she was here for me to call or leave her a cheesy voice mail with my sing song Birthday jingle in it... But, I can't... Acceptance is a heartless and horrible Bitch that I would love to kick around a bit...

But all I can say tonight... Is Happy 25th Birthday my Beautiful Friend. 

In the group dedicated to remembering Emily... Her dad posted this today...

June 23, 1988 ~ September 23, 2011

One of Emily's favorite passages:

"Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? ... No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below--indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35, 37-39

In the margin she wrote, "i am loved. always. forever."
I love this... I immediately grabbed my set of scriptures and highlighted this... Writing "I am loved. always. forever" in my own margin, along with today's date and your name. 
Ems... I can't say enough how much I miss you... How much I wish that you were here. But I know that you are resting with the angels... Right where you belong if you can't be here with us. You have such a good and pure heart. I know that you are celebrating with the angels today. 

I will continue to fight in your honor.

I know you are with me...
Always.... Forever....

Saturday, June 22, 2013

SYTYCD Never Disappoints.

What this show brings to my life
1. Gives me something to look forward to EVERY week. 
2. It gives me chills
3. Makes me yell at my TV in excitement, saying "WOW," "AHH... Did you see that?!?"
4. Induces the need to dance around my house, blast music, and look up dance classes to take!
5. I kill my stupid muscles trying to stretch... (Because no way can I be a professional dancer ;) if I can't stick my long legs straight up in the air)
6. Makes me smile and brings joy to my life
7. Inspires me to find something that I am as passionate about as these dancers and Just Do It!

This dance is PHENOMENAL! I think that Barney and I have watched it like 10 times already. So damn cool. I can't get this song and this choreo out of my head

 And nobody can deny how friggin cool this dance is.

I don't think that it would matter how long I trained... I could NEVER do this. They are truly amazing! Both times that they animate the sound of cocking a pistol are my favorite.

Sunday, June 16, 2013


Happy Father's Day Daddy!

You are good. 
I am your Teffie 
And I love you. 

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

It's A Comin'

For the small smattering of people who read this blog...
I wanted to stop in really quickly and let you know that new posts are ON THE WAY... I have pictures of my most adorable little sibs... Stories of lots of laughing and random small unexpected, intangible gifts that we all gave to each other over the week that I was home. I can't wait to finally have some time to sit down and start sharing it all.
Once I am done unpacking and doing some much needed laundry and getting back into the swing of things before I head back to the Land Of The Cheese tomorrow.

But they are coming pronto.

Pinky Promise 

Tuesday, June 4, 2013



I know that my Here I Sit blog from this past week was the true definition of Vague... And, these few lines won't really help another either. But, I am too big a chicken to say anything more.
But, when I tried to go through with my little plan as part of my drive here to Cali;

She wasn't home.

That... Or, she is just as good at hiding her whereabouts and the goings on in her house as she used to be.
Either of which is possible, even though...

Neither of which helps me all that much.  

Stop on my way back to UT then?

Monday, June 3, 2013

Road Trip Game

Oi Vey! 

This has been quite the long drive... I am stopped for a quick jaunt around a gas station parking lot while I refuel the my home-on-wheels for today... And I guess I decided to write a quick and quite pointless post. 

Mostly to just brag about my new little gem I found today... I was getting worried about my ability to stay awake driving solo for my trip today... Especially as I was leaving in the early afternoon instead of my usual 4:30 AM departure... So, I decided to listen to an audiobook, and have CD's for any and every possible genre that my mood during that stint of my trip called for... And, I wanted to find a way to play the license plate game (without having my notebook and pen handy to write down the name of the next new plate that I just spotted down... all while trying to maintain my 88mph speed and trying not to send "Stupefy" spells at every semi truck that I got stuck behind.

When I decided to check the ever wonderful App Store. And, lo and behold... There she was... "US Pl8S" (I would insert the link if my App Store would cooperate with me.) It's quick and easy and all you have to do is tap verifying the state that you just saw and it hides it from the list, whittling down the Out-Of-State'ers one by one...

Yet another list for me to keep track of...
And I LOVE it! 

I played this game with Barney while making this same trip a few summers ago and we were able to spot all but 4 while driving here and back. I wanted to see how close I could get to that or if I could get 1 or 2 more...
And, By awkwardly slowing down, pulling my sunglasses up to try and squint my eyes to see the plate of the vehicle in front of me did a marvelous job in keeping me alert and awake through all 5 hours of the Dead Zone of Nevada...

It is beyond dark and it's nothing but one lane roads for almost all of the last 45 minutes of my 12.5 hour drive. So, I am guessing that I am done Plate Spotting for now....

I have checked off 32 states today... Super happy to get Alaska out of the way (as well as adding Alberta, British Columbia, Ontario, and Quebec) to the list. Canada is EVERYWHERE today! 

Okay... This last stretch of road won't drive itself, no matter how much I wish it to or avoid it by typing a blog post in the dark.

Buckle Up! 
You're almost there.

I Wish Mapquest Had More Epic Looking Maps

Well, I have sat, and brooded, worked a TON, cleaned, packed and did all sorts of random things..

And now...

I drive.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Sunday Funnies (Week 22)

I love the rules of grammar and language... 

Keeps things nice and predictable. Structured. Easy to remember. Easy to follow...

... unless you speak English.

Here I Sit

Here I Sit.... Completely in the dark... At almost 3 AM... Less than 6 hours away from when I start working again with a 35 minute commute not factored in... Not to mention that I have worked almost 30 hours in the last 2 days and am in desperate need of a hair washing (but have yet to move.)

One more work day. One more long shift... Then my drive to Cali.
A vacation...
Super exciting stuff right? 
The break I have been basically salivating for over the last 6 weeks! JBubby's Birthday!!! Snuggle time with my doggie! Time away from here!!!

Yet, Here I Sit... 
Alone... Torn... More down than I have been in many, many, months...

Maybe I just need to get through the next 36 hours and I'll feel better?
Maybe I need to get more than 3ish hours of sleep every day?
Maybe I should just open my damn mouth and just start talking.
Maybe I need to punch my Psych in the groin for messing with my meds and therefore pushing my already deviant neurotransmitters to go on strike; yelling, waving huge cardboard signs covered with their demands in lots of capital letters... maybe they will burn a bra... just to make things interesting. 


Maybe I need to relinquish my "Miss Maybe 2013" title, and get honest about what's gnawing all my insides.

Question: Why don't I seem to care about the fun I could be having in mere hours; care about caring for my needs (reaching out to my supports, demanding more sleep, less work... Hell, just mustering up the energy to wash my damn hair would be nice); care about anything other than how crappy I feel?

Answer: Because the ONE human being on this entire planet whom I have NEEDED to keep improving at validating my experiences (past, present, positive, and not-so-much) being someone that I can retrain myself to lean on and  trust,
did and said the ONE THING that lead me to run away from my home and into the arms of the only person I could find to want me around,
the only one there to hug me back...
No Matter how tragic the consequences of doing that turned out to be, 
No Matter how many years it has taken me to even begin to break the surface of my Trauma Ocean and to start believing that "I am more."
All of that seems of No Matter to me.

Here I Sit... knowing that in less than 2 days I will be back in the same home, with that same devastating feeling that pushed me to start running before I even started 2nd Grade.
Here I Sit... unable to stop thinking over and over that I need to just run away now, to drive away from here and head to those same hugging arms. 

You may call this a horrible idea... The worst possible of risks...

And to that, I simply say...

Why not?

It's what I know best. 

Friday, May 31, 2013

"Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep...

..I like this more than counting sheep. 
If I should die before I wake
Make sure D's ass in Hell shall bake..."

Yup. I just made that poem up... I blame this past week's Sunday Funnies post for any and all of my inspiration.
Yup. I know that it might be slightly sacrilegious to swear and damn someone in what is supposed to be a prayer. 
Yup. I may never be able to say the original prayer without finishing it off with this little snarky snack at the end. 
No. I don't need a spiritual intervention.
No.Your offended opinion won't change my proud little moment of creative snark.  
No. The contrasting content of the two parts doesn't make it any less true... or any less awesome (at least to me).  

Sweet Dreams

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Sunday Funnies (Week 21)

I have to hurry. There are only 3 minutes left of Sunday... 

I just stop thinking about how absolutely AMAZING it would be to have this be the final lines of Dr. Seuss' memoir. 

Hell. It might have to find it's way as the last lines of mine. 
... To Be Determined ...

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Sunday Funnies (Week 20)

"It's Baaaaaaaaack."

(I know that spelling makes it look more like a sheep language than the sing-song voice I was going for.. but I can't figure out how else to spell it... SO, I'm going with it)

Anyways... As I am yet again trying to stay more current with my blogging, I will attempt to restart my weekly post of "Funnies," that usually is inappropriate enough to make it seem as though I don't acknowledge that it's the Sabbath. But, there is nothing like breaking up a mundane Sunday than a glorious Ecard, or whatever else tickles me. Today's is not vulgar, but still enjoyable all the same...
Especially, for anyone who would be standing at the gas pump right there with me chewing on their fingernails, twirling their hair, tapping each foot only in increments of three.

Which number would you want to stick with? 
(or does your OCD make it too difficult for you to even make a choice?)

Friday, May 17, 2013

...Only As Cool...

Needed a good thought to kick start your Friday???

You're welcome!

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Work It Out

This week has literally kicked my butt. Mother's Day weekend for most people is a time to relax, a time to enjoy time with the one who was surprised at the news of your arrival, the one who got fat for you, and the one who was ripped or cut open or god knows what else in order to hold you and cry and celebrate that the wait and the days of swollen ankles were finally over...
Such a touching visual isn't it?

Well... not for the people working in the restaurant world. Mother's Day weekend is the busiest time of the year... Falling short only by a smidgen to Valentines Day... But, I have found that working Mother's Day is far more challenging; because instead of the overwhelming amounts of couples coming in to stare googly eyes at one another, clogging my tables forever, we are "blessed" on this holiday with large group after large group wanting to sit and enjoy their day with their nine hundred hungry, crying, screaming children who apparently think that a restaurant also doubles as a race track and a jungle gym...

It had already been a long couple of days prior to the start of the weekend as we were trying to figure out where we had taken too many reservations, where we could tell guests that we still had spots, but only for X amount of people and dealing with relentless amounts of frustrated and grouchy families for me not being able to make their mother's day less stressful... I did, unprofessionally tell one woman on the phone who seemed so put out that we would make an exception for HER special day that "Mam, you do understand that it is also EVERYONE else's Mother's Day and they have no more or less "special-ness" than you do.
Phone call OVER... 1 Point for Stephanie.

This may not really have been a responsibility that I should have been asked to take on... But, I was in charge of taking and organizing all things Mother's Day at the Desk. I called every reservation we took personally to confirm their spot, getting their seating preferences, etc etc... I was then also asked to take a map of the restaurant to practically puzzle piece out where all of these parties will be going and then to see how many spots we had left over for those who walked in the door without a reservation...

So.. Here are a couple of the stand out stories of the weekend. If this all seems boring to you.. Feel free to stop reading now.. Because there is a definite possibility that it will only get less interesting from here.

Gem #1- I was asked to seat a family of 5 at their table as they had been waiting longer than I originally quoted them. It was a dad and his 4 children. I was seating them at a table that was comprised of half booth and half table... and immediately the boys all wanted the booth side so that they could watch the Jazz game that was on the TVs in our bar... The dad grumpily stated, " We are here to celebrate Mother's Day and you want to watch a basketball game?" I then thought.. oh crap... did I miss count them and they were actually waiting for their mother to show up... "Oh, I'm so sorry... Are we still waiting on the 6th person?" The father stood up, gave me a look of sheer rage, "NO!! She's in Heaven..."
errr... ummm... okay... I mean, what in the hell do you say to that? 'I'm so sorry sir... I hope you enjoy your meal...Happy Mother's Day' None of those options seemed to fit, so I said nothing, handed them their menus and told them that their server would be right over... I felt awful. I felt like I should have been more sensitive... Then shortly following that I got peeved... I mean, how awkward was that? How in the world was I supposed to know that she had passed away. Maybe he shouldn't have said that they were celebrating this holiday in front of a stranger... Or maybe, if the subject is that sensitive for him, then Stay the hell at home.
I personally request Father's Day off from work and don't really do anything in public regarding my dad as I know that it would be really hard for me to be a work and to try and serve and watch other kids and families get to experience that day with their dads... But, as a result of this lovely individual... I have decided that this year I AM going to go out to eat on Father's Day, make some obvious remark suggesting that I am here for my dad, only to tell the poor, innocent waiter,
"NO! He is in Heaven, Asshole!"   

Gem #2- Mother's Day Morning- We opened an hour early so that more people could come in and enjoy our BEYOND amazing brunch food. I swear... I hate working Sunday's, but every so often I pick a shift for the sole purpose of being able to delight in our Lemon Ricotta Pancakes. UGH.. I'm salivating right now.
Anyway... At about 10 to 9, I looked outside to see the mob of people forming a line that was out the door, and around the patio just waiting to walk in and eat. That baffles me. We are not the Premiere of the final Harry Potter movie. We are a restaurant. How hungry do you have to be to be willing to stand in a line around the building? Oui!
Doors open, the first couple people check in.. Bing Bang Boom... Smoother than smooth. Then this lady comes up to be greeted and tells me that she is part of the ____ Family with a reservation of 19... oh crap... I put the nicest face on that I could muster and told her that I had personally called them and talked to a gentleman that said that he was just getting ready to call us to cancel their reservation. I apologized and made sure that they couldn't make it... and then I took my pen and gladly took them off my list because we were overbooked anyway... And here they stood... All 19, ready to get immediately sat to eat. The woman went to ask the men in the party if they had taken that call... And then, the Evil Troll who lives inside her came storming up saying, "well then YOU GUYS Fucked UP MY RESERVATION!!!" I pulled her away from the greet screen and tried to tell her again that I called them and was told that you were not going to be here. I pulled out the paper that I had been writing all the reservations down for with all of my detailed notes of who had confirmed, who I left messages for, and showed her the marked cancellations. "So YOU are the one who Fucked this up. You are RUINING MY MOTHER'S DAY! YOU are the Fucking IDIOT! I tried and tried to apologize and to get her to stop yelling for 2 minutes so that I could tell her that even though I took her off my list that I could move some things around and actually get her sat in time... But, she was apparently not done embarrassing me, insulting me, my intelligence, my incompetence in front of this mob of people jammed into the lobby. I got her sat with the help of another manager and moved on....

Gem #3- Later on that morning, when we were on a wait, I had a family that never returned to the restaurant when I paged them to be seated. 27 Minutes later, the man walks in, beyond pissed at how long he had been waiting. Again, I calmly tried to explain that we did in fact try to page them on time and that they didn't answer.. that I even sent someone outside to try and locate them... To which he replied that they had been at the opposite end of the mall... "um. Sir, these pager don't reach through the mall." "Well then you need to tell us that? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You are the GD Cheesecake Factory, you would think that you would have pagers that actually work... I mean, EVERYWHERE ELSE IN AMERICA has pagers that work better!"  (*Big sigh*) "Really sir? Everywhere in America? You mean to tell me that the Denny's in Podunk, Kansas has pager that can reach your front porch all the way across the plains..." Probably shouldn't have said that.. I did now have TWO manager trying to help me with this situation, trying to get him to talk to them instead of me so that I could keep doing my job and filling the restaurant smoothly... But he wanted no part in talking to someone else. His entire focus was on me and his constant berating of how awful I am at service, that I am stupid, how I should be fired, and that I am a piece of shit human being... Yet again I did have a table that was just leaving and that I could completely remedy his annoying ass in 2 minutes if he could just hold on for 120 seconds... But that wasn't fast enough... I put my back to him and kept working, but he didn't stop yelling behind me until he was safely in a booth across the restaurant from me. 

Gem #4- (Last one I promise)- I sat these two women at one of our two person tables, half booth, half table as one of the women was quite large. When I sat them down, the woman sighed and shoved the table away from her to give herself some room... looked at me and said, "You would THINK that being at the Cheesecake Factory, with the portions being as big as they are and as unhealthy as the dessert that you promote that you would have tables to accommodate Fat People!!!"   Um... These are the tables that would accommodate "Fat People" The tables MOVE... I don't know how much more accommodating  you can get. "It's just RUDE and RIDICULOUS that you people ignore that when you are trying to serve different sized people. I mean, I KNOW that your SKINNY ASS wouldn't understand, so you might as well just go away!" I handed her menus and left. Thinking back on it... I mean, what in the hell is she talking about? What restaurant does she eat at that has Fat Tables??? Then some server comes into work and checks in to work in the Fat Section??? And how rude and potentially EXTREMELY offensive would it be to have some tables pushed way out to seat someone who is larger and they are forced to sit in one of those designated tables, being singled out and demeaned by having to sit there. I almost wish that I could have told her that if having that accommodation was so important to her, then she could take her Fat Ass home and sit on her ever so accommodating couch... I, of course would never say that, but it never ceases to amaze me at the infinite ways that people can find to yell about.

The rest of the day went pretty well. We stayed full and everything seemed to go smooth. But I was spent.
I would really like to know WHO raised these people... I mean, I have more than a bit of a smart ass in me, and if somebody did indeed make a mistake about my reservation, I would be angry, maybe even bordering on pissed... But I would NEVER yell in public the things that these people did. I honestly just don't understand where that seems like the appropriate and justified response.
You know who I am not here to celebrate today????
Your mother...
Because I will bet my lotto money I won't like her either...

There were a couple times that I wanted to turn on our restaurant intercom system and scream those opinions that I felt would benefit those childish snots who seemed to all want to come rub sandpaper all over my fairy tale Cheesecake Mother's Day...



That may have been the pinnacle of my awesomeness at work... If only we actually had an intercom system... Perhaps Craigslist can help...

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Spring, Crazy Cells, and Other Such Nonsense

I'm feeling completely unmoved, uninspired, uninteresting. I find myself every couple days or so logging in to Blogger, fiddling with a post draft for 15 minutes, writing maybe a handful of jumbled thoughts, then logging out as I can't figure a way to put anything together.

I often find myself completely baffled as to why My Brain; the 24-7, obnoxiously relentless beast of burden that it usually is... decides to shrivel like a freshly salted snail the moment I try to put that hyperactive mob of cells to good use. My lack of creative output is not for lack of effort. I try ALL DAY LONG to ask why this Olympic Overthinker, can't slop together an interesting reading snack for anyone who happens onto my blog...
I probably should try to ask that question less.
Because when I do... you could pluck ANY random cell from my body, put it under a microscope, and watch the same snotty, gum-smacking teenager jut her hip out, roll both eyes, proudly flip you off with one hand while the other holds a cardboard sign with,
"Nice Try! Still too stubborn to cooperate with you, Dumbass!"

...man, I hate that little bitch...

Today has been a gloomy, overcast and slightly rainy disgrace of a good Spring day... We have yet to have a couple consecutive good weather days this season. It is supposedly going to rapidly improve this week, but that weather report doesn't seem to make me any less grouchy. And what else are grouchy, gloomy days for other than sweats, useless TV watching, and good quality List writing.

Reasons I am excited for Actual Spring

-To start my rapidly induced Sun Overdose
-Tulips at Temple Square
-Hours and Hours contributing to the crazy mess that is The Lazy River pool at 7 Peaks
-The fact that many, many books will finally move off my "To Read" list
-Frozen lemonades, watermelon lime Slurpees, JCW dollar cones, cherry limeade, pomegranate froyo with raspberries, and apparently anything else that is cold and delicious   
-Grass volleyball
-Hiking up to the top of Bridal Veil Falls to journal with Barney
-Road Trip reunion to Cali with Barney to celebrate JBubby's birthday. To refill my Family Crazy Cup
-The chance to sport my new coral polka dot bikini bum
- And Mainly....so that I will stop hearing this girl I know constantly complain about the awfulness of winter, about how friggin cold she still is in 60 degree weather, whining about the fact that it isn't warmer yet, and on and on and on.... She's SO DAMN annoying!!!
But, unfortunately, that Cranky Connie and I are the same person....
I am still on the hunt for someone who could kick her punk ass once and for all without damaging mine... (Any capable applicants can please contact me immediately)

I guess I will give today's post a break and just hit publish now, otherwise you would never have even known my computer was on today.

That and apparently I have lots of issues with little miscreants living in my cells that need some dealing with... Must consult the experts...
Web MD here I come!!!! :)

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Death by Drowning

I didn't realize how long it had been since I had posted until I logged on today. Things have been all discombobulated and each day is its own type of beast.
I suppose that I will list a couple of updates for those of you who may want one. This post was originally going to be a "Reasons Why Catheters are From Satan" list... but it got a bit too serious and then a bit too sarcastic for my liking.  I am sorry if any of this doesn't make sense or is some ongoing tangent. It's how my brain is firing at the moment.

  • I did have to have Foley Catheter Numero Dos placed last Tuesday. I would tell you the story, as it truly doesn't seem possible that this last visit could be any MORE stressful than any of the others... But it was. And the story could be my proof, only there is only so much that I could allow myself to say before my blog becomes some strange form of Medical Pornography (okay. that's a bit harsh and exaggerated... but close enough that it isn't some bold faced lie)... I did manage the anxiety and the situation way, WAY better than I can believe. So, Gold Star for me... or something... There are still a couple of theories being loosely bounced around about why this is all happening, but nothing is really actively or aggressively being done about it. All I know is active, jittery, obsessive 24 year old females are not made to live with tubes and tape and bags attached to them. (unless they are scrap booking at some water park themed mall. don't steal this foolproof business idea. copyrighted as of now!) 
  • I have decided that I am going to tackle the above situation exactly as explained. There will be no hospital stays or trips back to The Mansion or moving back with my family in Cali. I am going to make it work, for however long I have to, with the highest level of sanity and self direction as the universe allots for me that day. It won't be perfect, but I have fought too hard up to this point to fall back now. So, I guess forward is what I've got. 
  • Mi Madre will be flying in to spend some time with me this weekend. I am excited to have some home grown company and an over abundance of homemade Mexican food. AHH! I can already smell the cilantro and tortillas! It's okay... be jealous. If anyone who lives near me wants any salsa verde, I sure I will have vats of it to spare. 
  • I slowly but surely have eased my way back to work. It sucks and is painful and there are some moments that I want to just cry, it has been good for me to get out of the house and out of my mandatory sweats dress code and communicate with people. This next work week (starting with a double on our 2nd busiest day of the year) will be back to my normal full time schedule. Hopefully my patience will hang in for me. I'm sure, as I have the last few years that I will post my favorite and most ridiculous Le Cheese Valentine's stories tomorrow-ish... 
  • Therapy has been a bit scattered for me this past month. I have seen Reese WAY more than usual as she has been bringing me in for Emergency Scrape-Stephanie-Off-the-Ground sessions after most of my doctors mishaps. She has done a phenomenal job  at keeping me going and being my biggest advocate with all kinds of providers that I have been dealing with along with my family and close friends when I can't seem to see straight and do it myself. I can't help though, but to want therapy to go back to "normal," which usually consists of my three ring circus hour of Sarcasm, Seriousness and Super Sarcasm. I miss the comic relief and slightly irreverent commentary that usually rules the office. 
  • I didn't register this until after talking about it with J yesterday, but I have reached the 5 year mark from my first day at The Mansion. I cannot believe how different I have turned out to be. If you can imagine, I spent over 72 hours without speaking when I arrived (other than timidly squeaking out "I'm Stephanie, 19, from CA") I was terrified of breaking ANY rules, even by accident and was dead set on doing everything perfectly and making sure that every other person was okay before I would even think about my own mess... Oh, How times have changed, how much more vocal I have become, how all of my missing spunk and smartassed-ness has come back to me full force and then some and how I opposite this "perfect patient" was than the one who was there for my final few days of my last Mansion stay... Me trying to break as many stupid little rules as I could, just to see what would fly... It's quite the impressive list, if I do say so myself. While I remember and feel slightly sorry for that scared silent version of me, I do not miss her in the slightest. 
  • This being the latest obnoxious thing to enter my world... I apparently thought that my life was not interesting and challenging enough, I accidentally dropped my phone in the sink while trying to do my dishes... Stupid shallow hoodie pockets! So, it is currently sitting in a sealed container of uncooked rice in the hopes that this phone Death by Drowning will turn into some resurrected miracle. It doesn't hit you how much you rely on all of your technology until you can't text the completely unnecessary eulogy of your beloved cell phone Marge to your friends and family so you can mourn together  (Yes, I  named my phone and basically everything else I feel needs one.)
  • I am currently trying to get through all 8 seasons of 24 at an un-human pace, by watching several episodes each night with Barney as sleep continues to allude me. I can't help but hope and wish that there are many Jack Bauer's out there saving us all by running around for 24 hours at a time kicking more ass than a Kardashian would know what to do with. 
Alright. I feel like continuing to list my thoughts will just digress further into nonsense, so I'll stop. That, AND, I have dinner and memoir reading and 24 to prep for. Let the night begin!

Friday, February 1, 2013

Bye Bye Brain

Let me just start out with a sentence of sheer honesty..

This week has been beyond shitty. 

I have been to the doctor more times and had more strangers examining and placing things in my urethra than I feel like are legally necessary. I also understand that I have to take even the smallest victories and celebrate them, otherwise my life looks quite sad... So I feel over the moon levels of excitement to say that the Golden Purse (my foley catheter) is GONE! I went to the urologist yesterday and after not much chatting or examination that the "ONLY logical explanation" to my problem was that all of my medication is causing retention. Almost as quickly, he decided that it would be best if I placed my own catheters 5 times a day! Let me just say that I was not a fan of this option, and when I said something about it, the nurse told me that I could do it that way or I could put the "Purse" back in. Well... Then... Fuh...
I silently started to cry as the nurse and her assistant (I'm guessing) came in to TEACH me the Art that is self catheterization. She told me to completely rid myself of my bottoms and my less than helpful paper drape as "you can't hold a drape and put one of these in. so, you might as well just get used to it." More tears came down as I obeyed... and not to get totally graphic about it... But she then had me put one leg up on the exam table and then KNEELED on the ground underneath me and got beyond personal while trying to teach me how I was to do this multiple times every day. I was given a couple other instructions and told to keep up this until I saw the doc again in a MONTH! 
By the end of my appointment, I was openly crying... and while I didn't want to talk, share, explain or do anything other than get as far away from this horrible experience as I possibly could... I do remember feeling so surprised that no one had asked me if I was okay, or asked what was upsetting me or even if they wanted to be rude about it and say, "What in the hell is your problem?" At least at that point they have been acknowledging that what was happening was not okay with me... But, they didn't.

I left the appointment with J in toe (who has seen more of my madness than I'm sure she was ever ready for this week), got into my car, where I immediately text Reese and told her that I was coming in for a session. She had blocked off a bit of time for me as a last-resort-just-in-case scenario after my urology appointment, but I didn't hesitate taking my 3rd session this week for even a second.

I sat in Reese's office, bawled, came unglued and managed to try and tape the pieces back in place long enough for me to walk out of there. I can't remember everything that we discussed in there... But, we did talk about how having a short 7-14 day stay at The Mansion may be helpful to me as I tried to figure out what in the frig is going on with me medically, and if I did actually need to cath myself or have one placed again that I would be around a beyond loving staff who knows far more about my trauma and my potty problems than I care to admit. I also think that somewhere in there that I told Reese that she could call my mom and give her a more detailed explanation as to what is going on and see if her coming here, or me spending some time at home in Cali would do me some good.

I don't know if any of this is a good idea. I don't know if this is a bad idea. I don't really know if I am in Utah or on Mars at this point. All I know is that yesterday morning I didn't know how to pull urine out of my own bladder and tonight, unfortunately I am able to successfully cath myself (yes. I just said "cath" Apparently Catheter and I are bosom buddies now so using its full name just seems unfriendly). I was like 3 hours into my work shift this morning when all of this treatment"planning" hit me and I starting sending texts and emails to my providers trying to slow this train down. I don't think that I know what I need right now... All I know is that I am beyond exhausted, and I am pretty sure that my brain is still trying to catch up with itself.

So basically,

Get back to me in a week. 
Also, I hold myself completely NOT responsible for ANY stupid thing that I may say, fleetingly think or even dream until my mental faculties are back in business.
And I promise to stop talking about urinary systems, just as soon as they stop invading every facet of my life.
Because, I just think its icky.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Sunday Funnies (Week 3)

So... This is going to be yet another example of my extremely inappropriate humor.. But, I'll just roll with it.
This past Christmas, my lovely friend C, gave me this as part of my present. 

What is it???

I'll tell you! It is this spiral bound booklet with 2 sets of pages that you randomly turn to create new "curse words." Some of them come out better than others. However, for whatever reason my picks end up being the most disgusting combinations. No lie. Other people have given it a whirl and they come out mediocre...

I told myself that no matter what came up for me when I was taking these pictures I would post... But, even I have limits apparently of what I will post publicly as attached to my name. The first of the 2 words that came up I don't even say aloud. So, I had to go back on my initial deal and post option 2. 


If you can use it in a sentence this week.... I donno what I'll do, but you'll get some kind of prize from me :)
This gift has more than paid for itself in personal entertainment value


Disclaimer: This post does talk about PTSD and about certain aspects of my personal trauma. And, while it's not graphic, if you don't feel that reading about such things would be good for you, I would recommend not reading this post

This has been a really stressful last couple of days. I have been going back and forth mentally trying to decide whether or not to write anything more about the catheter situation here on my blog... I feel embarrassed and a plethora of other not-so-fun emotions and I wouldn't be me if I wasn't trying to deny the existence of such emotional pain.
But, I decided this morning to put on my Big Girl Panties and share.

At times it still seems completely surreal that I have a catheter. I mean, it constantly hurts and it's not that I forget that it is there, but more that I my brain can't quite process that I actually went through with getting one. I have now had it placed for just shy of 3 days and I can't express enough how much I hate it. Physically I don't think that it is helping me; and instead I believe that it is making things worse. I have majorly increased my fluid intake, but I am still producing such small amounts of urine... Based on my intake, I am falling majorly short in the output end. I have been talking with Barney's sister (who is a nurse) and am more convinced now that placing the catheter was probably not what actually needed to happen as it may not be that I "can't pee" but more that my kidneys aren't producing enough urine, which no catheter can help.

I am still spinning mentally about how everything went down at the hospital on Thursday. I tried to muster whatever courage that I could when talking to the doctor about why this fairly routine procedure was going to be so hard for me based on my trauma history. I NEVER want to tell people that I have "weaknesses" or limitations because of my past. And while I couldn't guarantee that disclosing any of that information would make it easier, but I had to at least try.
I could feel the mammoth-sized lump in my throat and the shake in my voice as I told the doctor that I was feeling so hesitant to have this done and wondered if I could have something for anxiety through the procedure as I have severe PTSD. The response, "Were you assaulted or something?"     Yeah... Something like that.
He said that he could give me a small dose of Ativan pushed through my IV. I agreed, feeling dejected as I already take that dose of Ativan for general anxiety management every day. After a few minutes with medication in my system, the nurse came back and was shocked that I couldn't feel any difference. She left and came back with another small dose. I was so terrified of having this procedure done that the 2nd dose didn't help me either. Genevieve (RN) said that I wouldn't be allowed another dose for a while so "we might as well just get it done." I hesitated and agreed.
I tried to look at my friend J who was sitting with me as a distraction and as a source of strength in order to ground myself. Genevieve asked me to remove my undergarments and open my legs. I froze, and felt myself rushing out of that room mentally. I vaguely heard her repeat the instruction and then felt her force me to do it for me, as I  wasn't "cooperating" with her. Next moment the tube was placed. I felt a few silent tears leave my eyes as the nurse quickly left me in the room. I was crushed that even with all my "bravery" and raw honesty, that these medical professionals didn't treat me with more gentleness and sensitivity.

Since Thursday, this lovely catheter has been my shadow, my toilet, and my constantly painful reminder of my abuse. I have slept less than 4 hours total in the 3 nights that I have had it... I can't shut my brain down before bed. I can't manage laying in bed, in the dark, trying to sleep with something that isn't "supposed" to be there.
I can't help but feel so discouraged that this experience is turning into such a setback. I have spent several months and almost an entire Inpatient stay at The Mansion working specifically through my trauma as it relates to the restroom (being in that room and the goings-on in there as well). Timmy and I tirelessly and excruciatingly processed the events of my past, doing increasingly difficult Exposure therapy and slowly but surely moving away from my fears. And while, it wasn't "cured," I had come so far in that aspect, that most of the time I don't think twice about needing to plan skills and giving myself pep talks before I try to pee.

But, even with all that Exposure-ing, I finally admitted yesterday to my Sis P, that this experience ended up becoming the Worst Case Scenario... That this procedure was close enough to some of my abuse that having the catheter placed re-traumatized me..that term just looks and feels so pathetic... but I guess a spade is a spade, no matter how stupid the spade looks. I have almost completely reverted to dissociation and deadening myself in order to survive each moment... I have closed myself off from all emotion. Flying between terror and panic to La-La-Land and back again.

I don't know how all of this medical stuff is going to play out. I have no idea how long I will be carting around my Golden Purse, or what it is going to take in order to get me up and runnin' again. And if I think about how long this process is likely to take, I will be so overwhelmed and want to just curl up and give in. So, no future-tripping allowed!

I feel like this post is an extreme case of Oversharing... So, I think I shall stop while I'm behind. I do feel so much gratitude for the people who have been calling to check in or sending a text just to say I love you. Grateful to J for making the journey to make sure that I didn't sit in that hospital room alone, even though I can only imagine how awkward that would be to witness. To my Sis for listening to all of my madness, for worrying enough to help me brainstorm how to proceed and then to get me laughing when my brain hits overload. I don't know what I would do without my friends. J posted a blog talking about how lonely PTSD gets... (Her Wisdom Here) And, as per usual, J is completely right. Trauma leaves everyone to feel completely alienated from people, from love, from hope. And I know that without the people in my life who hold my hand and lovingly urge me forward I likely would have drowned in my trauma ocean a long time ago.
Together is the only way forward.

Thursday, January 24, 2013


(Disclaimer: There is a picture at the bottom of this post of a urine sample.... Don't read this if that would weird you out)

Back in October 2009, when I was in a really rough patch medically, I was being threatened constantly by my Treatment Team (Care Bear and Lena at the time) that if I had a week with even the smallest of setbacks that I would be facing dire consequences... I had pushed and pushed that limit and finally one Friday, Care Bear told me that if my weight wasn't up by the time I saw her on Tuesday I would be forced to get the NG Feeding Tube. Me, being me, was not about to have that happen. I kicked and pissed and moaned and tried every angle possible to get out it...So I got onto Blogger and made a Declaration against said feeding tube (I am currently aware that writing a blog post saying that you are not going to be doing something, doesn't actually mean that...).

No Tube Tuesday (The link to this lovely decree)

 I cleverly called the day "No Tube Tuesday" and was so proud of my ability to stave off from having that night mare come true. I never got the tube while part of that team...
However, here I sit 3 years and 3 months later, having to add an amendment, a caveat to my declaration.
Earlier this week, I made a depressing little check list about all the things that I was unhappy with in my life currently..The biggest pain being the fact that my kidneys are spontaneously deciding to stop working. I mean, I am the Queen of holding my urine for almost inhumane lengths of time, but never have I faced the problem of needing to pee and not being able to.
I used to get threatened all the time that if I was going to continue to not use the restroom that they would put in a catheter and call it a day. I would push that all the way to the edge and would usually end up going while the nurse was bringing the kit down the hall...
My team currently has been trying to get me to go the doctor and get this all looked at. But, I waited and waited and waited... and then I was done waiting . So, unfortunately, I had to suck up my pride today... and get a catheter this evening. Hurts like a mo' fo....
You know what else hurts
My Golden Purse....
Except this is no where CLOSE to being Gold in color.
Mayhaps, I did wait a smidgen too long. Especially since this is all
they could get after not being able to go for almost 8 days.
like I mo'fo... Coming home from the ER with a brand new catheter only to majorly eat it on ice outside my place, knocking my head on the asphalt.
- Possible concussion: CHECK

More on this bullshit later.I'm too sore to keep thinking.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Gold Rush!

The Niner's are heading to the Superbowl!!!!

I must admit... I have honestly LOVED watching more football this season. Normally I watch the "big" games and almost all 49er games, but not much more than that... But this year; in order to get to know more people from work and have new things to talk about that how high my crazy meter currently is, I signed up to be in a weekly football pool. Quite simple... Each week you pick your winner from each game, and the person with the most correct picks, wins the pool and the money. And while I never won the pot, I sure did enjoy watching the faces and sweat off of my coworkers as I was 1 of only 2 females in this pool of almost 30 and I never fell lower than 4th place. In case you can't imagine, that drove their caveman-adrenaline-beer belly-man-selves bonkers. and I love every moment of that.
Anyways. my fantastic team of red and gold came out on top today over Atlanta! Meaning the boys are heading back to the Bowl!!!
All this football makes me think so so so much about my Daddy... Growing up as his daughter, watching him root for this team year after year... Throwing HUGE Superbowl parties at my house back when Steve Young, Jerry Rice and crew were ruling the field. Growing up my parents also had 2 season tickets so we my mom, brother and I would take turns getting to go to the game with Dad. I loved the days that I got to go with my Daddy. We would get all bundled and warm in our red and gold garb, drive to Candlestick Park, maybe do some tailgating. Best part of the tradition for me? Getting my San Fran fresh sourdough bowl full of clam chowder (I have NEVER liked clams, but there is something about the crisp ocean air, the game, the company that made it all taste magically delicious)... My daddy would give me the binoculars to watch the game with...Really I was watching the cheerleaders as I never really understood what in the hell was going on on the field... Anytime the loud boom or noise signifying a Time Out or the end of a Quarter I would grab my Daddy's arm and ask, 'Is it over yet?" I think that 3+ hours was a bit much for me.
During Halftime as the cheerleaders were doing their thing, people were restocking on food and beer, the mascot would be seen dancing around on the field or running through the bleachers giving high-fives and posing for pictures... I would assume that he was a gold miner, wearing a jersey with "Sourdough" on the back. The confusing part about Sourdough Sam for me was the huge sombrero he had on his head.
 "Burrito Man" 
While my dad was still alive, and when it becomes currently relevant, my mom LOVES to tell people that I would scream so loud trying to get him to come over by us "BURRITO MAN!!!! BURRITO MAN!!! OVER HERE!"     and the answer to you potential question is... No, my Mexican-ness knows no bounds. Everything is tortilla related.

Wow. there was an unexpected trip down Reminisce Road... Sorry about that... Anywho, I happened to be at work yesterday while the game was on, and the closer the game came to an end, the less and less productive I got on shift... Celebrating the win with a mini-happiness-hop and high-fives to the strangers that were sitting up at the bar at work. Almost immediately following the time clock reaching 00:00,
I get a text from my mother, "Your daddy is so happy right now!"  I wasn't expecting that (surprisingly)... and I immediately welled with tears, right there on shift. I sat in the office for a few minutes with my fave manager, SS, got recomposed and then went back to it.
The hardest aspect of it being how right my mom was. I could just see his face, could almost feel his excitement. More often than not, I have to look at a picture of him or try comprise up pieces of how I think his voice sounded like when I want to remember him now. Even though the 49ers winning is a great thing and imagining him happy and watching this game from Heaven makes me so glad... but I still miss him so very much. I wish that I could hurry home a week from Sunday and decorate the house, jerseys everywhere, pizza, popcorn, laughing, cheering, screaming at refs. Like everything that surrounded him, I miss his magic. He made everything more fun, more special... The Superbowl is a huge display of athletics, a vie for the best commercial advertising, the end of a long season and there is a chance that if for only just those 4 hours, there's "nothing finer than a 49er!"

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Sunday Funnies (Week 2)

I can't help it.
Just... Too... Awesome...

...even if I am usually of a major Hater of all conversations and jokes and, well, anything regarding menstruation and/or feminine hygiene. 

Friday, January 18, 2013

More Love

I realized about 90 seconds after publishing yesterday's post that it was far too Negative Nancy for me... So, I thought that the best way to remedy that (without removing the post and pretending nothing included in it even exists), was to post something super positive and uplifting.
That doesn't mean that none of those things I listed yesterday aren't happening, because unfortunately they are, but I don't want to be that girl or have that blog that is just one downer post after the other..
So...! I will share something with you that I have been working on recently.
This month will be my 4th month as a subscribing member of the More Love Letters Team in August. I had seen a story about this group online and was immediately drawn to it. At the start of each mouth, I and the all of other subscribers receive an email with a short blurb about the hardships of the person they want to surprise with a bundle of anonymous "love" letters. Usually it is you sending words of encouragement and empathy and hope to someone who needs the reminder.
I seem to not be explaining this very well.. so here is a portion of their explanation
so what is a love letter bundle? Each month, we send out a “call for love letters” for an unsuspecting receiver (or in this case, receivers) in need of a little handwritten goodness. You will then have TWO WEEKS to send over a card or letter to the More Love Letters PO Box. We’ll bundle the letters and mail them all together to a lucky, lucky mailbox with an explanation note from MoreLoveLetters.com on top. It’s simple. It takes 5 minutes. And really, what’s better than a monthly pinning of “heart to page” for someone who truly needs some love and syllables? So gather your friends, your students, your coworkers or church group, and take on the monthly mission together!
Anyways, I just fell in love with this idea immediately... being the journal fiend and still being someone that would much rather receive snail mail than anything else... this project is right up all my alleys. They also encourage people to leave Love Letters in random public places for anyone to pick up... as there really isn't anyone who wouldn't benefit from such an act of kindness. I have left several letters at Barnes and Noble in books and on cafe tables... and have actually had a lot of fun with it...
By no means do I want to push people into doing this... But if this seems like something that you might want to do, you can get all of the information Here on their website.

Phew, this is much happier than yesterday. Don't fret. I'm not going depressing on you all.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Check It

  • 7 shifts at Le Cheese in the next 6 days- CHECK
  • Severe hypotension causing me to need a BP cuff to let me know if and when I am allowed out of bed in the morning (what a lovely flashback to daily life at The Mansion)- CHECK
  • Decreased kidney function with the consequence of having a catheter threatened constantly- CHECK
  • Due to the complications expressed above... Needing to bring a cardiologist andnephrologist onto my treatment team- CHECK
  • Record low temperatures for the last few weeks turning my already cold blooded self into a full blown icicle- CHECK
  • Negative amount of money in my bank account- CHECK
  • The caring, yet completely unwanted suggestion to be admitted for a 2 week medical stabilization, either to The Mansion, Psych Ward or Medical Floor of the hospital- CHECK
  • Having my T go out of town again for the next 12 days- CHECK
  • Having my M.D. out of the office during my most medically compromised week- CHECK
  • Feeling completely frustrated that all of my physical problems have nothing to do with where I am at in my recovery and feeling scared that people won't see that and just assume that my symptoms are due to my eating disorder- CHECK
  • Writing an entire blog post of a checklist of all the annoyingly whiny aspects of my current experience, just to highlight all the reasons why I am the pain in the ass I am currently-

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Sunday Funnies (Week 1)

There is a third way to look at this!

Which glass are you?

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Sunday Funnies

I have decided that, in order to help me meet my goal for the year of "Blogging at least once a week," I would choose a topic, something small and easy that I could post about. I have gotten stuck this last year by not knowing what or how to share personal stuff on my blog.
So, I am nothing without my sarcastic, mildly morbid, crazy crude humor. So, each week I will post a picture, ecard, or whatever else I seem to find amusing. I am aware that there are less than a handful of people in this world that share my weird mixture of humor components, so people may not enjoy what I post as much as I do... But, I suppose that is slightly irrelevant.
It will be like my own take on a Sunday Comics page.